Hi I'm so totally confused and need some clarity.
I split from my husband over a year ago and have two children aged 13 and 4. I started seeing a man I had known on line for a number of years previously (he was nothing to do with the break up)
He has been living apart from his wife for 6 years now after finding out she had had an affair. He stayed for 5 years after finding out then left as he turned 40 and from what I can gather had a breakdown.
When we met he told me he wasn't sure he would be able to love anyone again but about 3 months on he told me he loved me. However he still pays his wife's mortgage (they have a 20 year old son) as he says he didn't want them having to move to a "hovel" he says he loves her but isn't in love with her, will always care for her and make sure she's ok. But he's never go back to her. I've met all his family including his son (who didn't speak to me) .
He wouldn't tell them (wife and son) about me for 6 months. At which point they both fell out with him - that has blown over now and both talking to him.
My problem is he will not discuss us moving in together in anything but vague terms. He says he is happy with life as it is and wants to do things slowly. He says he sees us moving in together but not this year, next year or possibly even the year after but that it will happen. We only see each other once or twice a week depending what we each have on. He works 12 hour shifts 4 days a week with 4 days off. I'd like to see more of him.
When pressed he states that he worries about providing for his son, he's a firefighter and will get a good lump sum at 50 (5 years time) and he wants to make sure his son gets that. At present if anything were to happen to him everything is paid to his son.
He asked his ex wife to prepare the house to sell just before Xmas last year, they have done a few jobs on it but it's kind of ground to a halt and he says he doesn't mind if it sells next year he's in no rush. He's also said he will not take any money from the sale of the house it will all go to his wife so she can buy another and pay off debts they had together.
I'm at the stage where I've had a year of not knowing where the relationship is going. I've wIted so long to find someone I really love after a 16 year terrible relationship and when I've finally found someone he's stalling and dragging his feet.
My question is. Am I mad to hang on and see if he finally moves forward with us or am I completely stupid. I'm wrapped up in knots. Logically I understand his reasons but a part of me thinks he'll never make the jump.
Calm detached sense needs talking to me!
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Relationships
Should I hang on or give up?
Suzukiconfused · 08/06/2015 17:00
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Give up. 
You don't want the same things and it's a fool's errand (as my DM would say!) to try to plan a life on the hope that something might change in the future.
For whatever reason, his commitment and loyalty lie with his ex. He's ensuring her financial stability. He's committing to long-term plans to support her. In contrast, he won't give you a firm commitment at all. It's not good enough.
You want to see him more. You want commitment. He's not able to give you what you want so don't settle because ultimately you could waste another 3 years waiting whilst he pushes the 'moving in together' deadline back further and further.
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