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Anyone wish their ex would just eff-off, forever?

(21 Posts)
DownTheSwanny Fri 05-Jun-15 02:21:52

I am coming to the conclusion that mine thinks this about me.

We have children together though, and I honestly , truthfully believe that the way I am treated , bullied and mind fucked by my ex, is a tactic to destroy me ,make me kill myself , end up in a psychiatric unit , or disappear for good.

Previously, I would never have thought this person capable of such twisted behaviour, but having witnessed some of the bile first hand, I now think that this could be the modus operandi. The long game so to speak.

IAmAShitHotLawyer Fri 05-Jun-15 02:33:45

Do you have to communicate with him. Can you limit it to emails?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 05-Jun-15 04:21:07

He may indeed be playing a long game, but it's entirely within your power to ensure he's playing with his dick himself.

If you give examples of what he's doing you'll be given numerous strategies which will enable you to detach and disengage from his war of attrition.

The most effective are only communicate by email and arrange your settings so that they are forwarded to a separate box marked 'headfuck' or similar, buy a cheap payg mobile, send him a text implying you're notifying everyone of a change of number, keep the phone where you won't hear it and only check for incoming texts/calls once a day and, where possible, get others (friends/relatives) to do the handovers of the dc.

GoldfishCrackers Fri 05-Jun-15 04:25:38

What is he/she doing? I agree that restricting communication (to written only, with the option of filtering this) can be very helpful.

something2say Fri 05-Jun-15 07:31:03

The others have it spot on.

He may indeed wish to play with you and this may never change. So you wishing he didn't feel this way may be a waste of time.

What is more important is that you wish he would F off. THAT is within your power.

Do you need advice on how to go about that, given your specific situation ie children etc?

Dowser Fri 05-Jun-15 09:54:15

Mine thought he could play games with me.

He had another think coming.

It takes two to play that sort of game.

Make sure you butt out. Good advice re phone, handovers etc

He will probably turn up the volume for a bit before he gets fed up and goes and annoys someone else.

wallypops Fri 05-Jun-15 10:12:00

I empathise. Mines been an x for 7 years, smokes, eats an entirely meat and carb diet and is abusive alcoholic. I live in hope that this will catch up with him sooner rather than later.

Pretty much all his ex's (except me) end up with MH issues, but I think he actually chooses them on that basis.

The only way to deal is to have as little contact as possible. Depending on the age of your kids this is more or less easy. Mine used to telephone nightly, but now we are all no contact with him. Sadly he still has parental authority so he still has one string to pull, and he does whenever he can. The school still sends letters for him to me, but I send them back to the school. It is not my job or the childrens to deal with this. The school know that we are no contact.

I saw a psy when we spit up who gave me strategies to deal with it better. There is one thing he said that I still find hard to get my head around. Learn to recognise if it is YOUR problem or not. If its not walk away. When it affects our kids we assume it is our problem but it isn't necessarily even if it impacts on us. It's a concept that I have trouble with.

DownTheSwanny Fri 05-Jun-15 22:53:21

Thanks to everyone who replied. I should have stated that my ex is a she. I guess as most people have assumed I was talking about a man. It's actually the lack of adult dialogue regarding the kids and moving forward, coupled with a complete inflexibility with regards to contact, added to basically lying to our friends about the reasons that we split, that has got me thinking that she is out to destroy me. She was never like this. Never vindictive. Or at least I thought not. Now when I see the actions , I wonder if she was always like this and I either didn't pick up on it or it kind of lay dormant inside her.

Molly333 Sat 06-Jun-15 00:18:39

When dealing with people like that you need to put firm boundaries in place , you need to take control back . Make a decision , stick to it and be prepared for him to up the anti , he will try and punish you.mimise contact and don't reply to his abuse . That's refuge advice . Good luck x

goddessofsmallthings Sat 06-Jun-15 02:22:55

Regardless of gender, the same advice applies.

Karma can be a vengeful goddess and those who tell lies shouldn't be surprised if they come back to them on the bum.

Rebecca2014 Sat 06-Jun-15 07:21:40

I despise my ex. We communicate through emails, we both blocked each other numbers in our phones. I decided I dont want see him anymore during contact so will just open door, give him child then close the door. I hate that man.

i am afraid in your situation only way get fairness is to go to court. Also you both have your own story of why you split, who cares what she tells people? Maybe time get new friends.

Psipssina Sat 06-Jun-15 07:44:33

I have wished several of my exes would just disappear for ever. Especially the ones I am afraid of. That doesn't mean I would lie or anything like that.

trickyex Sat 06-Jun-15 08:30:00

Is it best to tell your ex why you want to use only written contact instead of speaking?
Mine keeps calling me and leaving messages saying it is easier of we speak on the phone but I wasn't sure how to respond.

mrsdavidbowie Sat 06-Jun-15 08:38:23

My ex sent me loads of selfpitying abusive texts.
There is no verbal communication.
I texted him to say that if I only was ted contact if he had a question. Anything else, I would not read on further but ask my friends to read them instead.

Its been very quiet.......

goddessofsmallthings Sat 06-Jun-15 11:41:29

Tell your ex it may be easier for him, but it's not for you, trickey, and then follow the advice given in my earlier post (above) with regard to emails, buying a cheap payg etc.

RandomMess Sat 06-Jun-15 11:53:25

Are the dc resident with you or your ex?

Happy to try and help if you feel willing to share the biggest issues and see if we can think of a different way of handling them.

trickyex Sun 07-Jun-15 11:25:38

Thanks goddess will do that, wish there was more advice out there for dealing with the fallout of a relationship breakdown when there are kids involved and an abusive ex.

flippinada Sun 07-Jun-15 11:48:54

I have been where you are now OP, and you have my sympathies. Dealing with someone like this is very challenging. The following tactics have worked for me in reducing stress :

- insist on communicating in writing (email or text) , so you have evidence of arrangements in black and white.

- Your ex might prefer a chat (so does mine - no record and its easier to bully someone over the phone ) but, as PP have said, you don't have to.

You need to be assertive about insisting on the writing thing. If you don't feel comfortable doing this because you think it's not fair , remember he wouldn't afford you the same consideration.

- remember also his opinion of you is completely irrelevant and what he thinks isn't actually important (I found this quite freeing).

I hope some of that is helpful for you.

flippinada Sun 07-Jun-15 11:52:29

One other thing - only ever communicate about your DC.

trickyex Sun 07-Jun-15 14:14:53

flippinada that all sounds good.
My ex asked me why I didn't want to speak and wanted to use text/email, any ideas on how to respond?
He is very controlling and has been emotionally abusive but he would deny this strongly.

flippinada Sun 07-Jun-15 14:57:39

tricky I really do understand how hard this is, believe me. Practice is the key. And remember that his opinion or what he wants doesn't override what you want.

I would reply saying something along the lines of "no that doesn't work for me, we'll need to do that over email". repeat if necessary. Don't get drawn in by any insults or goady comments.

PP have suggested getting a cheapo payg phone and use this for his calls/texts and only check it at a set time.

Hope some of that that helps.

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