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Depressed, unhappy marriage, no sex, DC...(40 Posts)
NC - H is a lurker
I'm depressed, was on anti-Ds (but recently come off them) H is depressed also on ADs (trying to cut down). Been together 8 years, married for just under two years.
Today we were shouting at each other in the car - I told him I resented him and he needed a job. He told me I was "a piece of shit inside and out".
We're not happy - we act like friends, I have no sex drive (hence trying to coming off my ADs) and this really upsets/angers H. I'm awful at talking about it and I'd rather just go to sleep/ watch tv. I don't initiate sex (I never have) and since the birth of my DS I sometimes experience pain (lots of internal stitches) and in my mind sometimes it's not worth it. I enjoy sex when I actually bother, but it's my not bothering that is causing problems. But I can't seem to talk about it with H....
Have a 2yo DS, I work full-time (teaching) and H was made redundant this time last year. I was part-time (4 days) and had DS on my day off. Once DH was made redundant, I went back up to full-time to help with fiances until H found a job.
Recently I also started a self-employed businesses (childrens' entertainer) - which I do at weekends. I will often have one booking every weekend, some weekends no bookings.
It's been a year since DH has been made redundant. He started a business as managed to get his previous employer (that made him redundant) to employ him on a freelance basis once a week. Apart from that one day, this is the only stable work he has. He's dabbled in other ventures, but they have not taken off. I feel very resentful that he has delayed finding any kind of stable job. If it were me I would be stacking shelves, but he doesn't want to do that - he says he's worth more than that.
My DM looks after my son during the week and has done since September (H has recently been taking DS one day a week, but only in last 6 weeks). We have to ask my MIL to help pay my DM (DS was in nursery 4 days a week until H's redundancy) as we are so broke.
So H has one day at work, one day with DS and the other 3 days on his ventures and looking for jobs. MIL lends us around £700 a month to pay my DM childcare and to make sure we don't end up in our overdraft every month.
H is also addicted to over the counter painkillers. He gets really angry when trying to come off of them - I've asked him to see a doctor but he hasn't. He recognises he has a problem.
Meanwhile I'm exhausted, depressed, crazy, unhappy, working full-time and working at weekends (sometimes). I'm miserable and horrible to be around. All I do is moan and criticise, but I am unable to explain why I have such a low sex drive to H. I have never been able to talk about sex, I just close up.
After the "piece of shit" comment divorce was mentioned.
I'm not sure why I typed all of this. Maybe I am a piece of shit and I just don't see it and I'm delusional. I most likely am a horrible person to live with - I'm like Jeckle and Hyde.
If we do get divorced, will DS have to live with DH as I am the provider and work full-time?
I am not surprised you resent him. I'm astounded that your MiL pays £700 each month so he can sit on his backside doing nothing!
Damn right he should take any job to support you all. I could understand him if it had been a month or two but a year takes the biscuit.
I doubt he would be classed as the primary carer because he isn't!
Your life sounds miserable. Do you want to leave? Can you stay with your mum?
You are making each other utterly miserable, you poor things. I think you both need to start afresh. Separately.
Thank you for taking the time to reply Quite. Good point about the primary carer
In some respects I am the unhappiest I have ever been. In our good phases we are good friends- we can get along great, similar weird sense of humour, same interests etc. But this normally turns sour when I fall asleep at 7pm or avoid sex. Or when I have a personality flip. I have so many things whizzing through my head that I can go from happy to worried really quickly. Who wants to live with someone like that? Today (after work) in a supermarket my card wasn't working (scratched chip) so went to ask H for his card - but he'd already gone to car with DS. It was a bit of a polava and I was quite upset that I couldn't pay for the shopping. To top it all off I couldn't remember where the car was aprked. I was walking around the car park getting really upset (I'd had an awful day at work - was told an ex colleague and friend of mine killed herself last night) and I was really grumpy with DH for wandering away as I had needed him. He got angry, and said that I'm impossible and crazy for getting angry at him. The piece of shit comment happened as we arrived home from the supermarket.
This job situation is really getting me down. Why has it taken this long to find a job? I went back to work when DS was 4/5 months old because I didn't want us getting into debt - I feel very resentful of that now, especially as H has to ask MIL for money every month.
H has said that I don't need to carry on with my weekend work if I don't want to, but honestly it's good money and I worry about getting into debt. Since H was made redundant credit cards were used to keep our heads above water. This was an awful situation and MIL bailed us out by paying them off. Not proud of that one. I don't have a credit card, I know that H has one - I have no idea if he's spending on it or not.
My mum's house is full (younger sibling and DGM living with DM) my DF has a spare room - but our relationship isn't that great. If I went to stay at DFs, could I take DS with me? Would I get into trouble/make things worse?
You could def take him, and it would do you both so much good x
What's involved in divorcing? Who would DS live with? If DH doesn't get a full-time job then won't DS go to him? If DS lived with me, and was still looked after by my DM, would I have to pay DH maintenance as he's only employed one day a week?
God, sounds so rough.
You are most definitely not a shit person, he is!
I can't get over the fact that your DH has 3 days to do whatever and you have to pay for childcare?
if he was job hunting surely he would have found it in the last year?!
Are you in the UK or France out of interest, because the rules are totally different.
Pressed send too soon.
No idea re divorce stuff, but I shouldn't think you would have to pay him maintenance if you are the primary carer.
Thanks everyone. Thank you for replying. I have no-one in RL I can talk to.
The whole reason we pay DM to look after DS is so that H was available to set up a business (which has not worked out, bar the one day a week) and apply for other jobs. Sometime I cannot believe that he's at home all day, poterring around. He's openly admitted that he's not the kind of person to be pro-active in "selling" his business eg. he won't make phone calls or make appointments with potential clients. He has sent out some flyers...
So maybe the reason I am angry is that he has admitted that he's not up to being pro-active in setting up meetings etc but still hangs onto the idea that this business will "take off". It's been one day a week since September (he doesn't get paid during school holidays, as it's education based) and he's done very little since then.
Yes of course you would be able to take your son with you. Even if you moved into your dads spare room you can go to the council and ask them to re-home you on the basis of space.
I think you need some space. I bet a lot of your issues are coming from being with him. I would be so angry too that he can't look after your son but he isn't using the time wisely!
Oh god. It's awful. He's a deluded, entitled man. What world does he live in? Poor you, OP. I don't know what to say other than you deserve so much better than this.
He should feel wracked with guilt about the situation.
Flyers? That's it? If that were my H, I'd be kicking his ass out of my house. I'm not surprised you are angry
He is taking the piss.
Allowing your DMIL to stump up 700 QUID (?!!) a month because he is too good to take any job at all is just pathetic.
I'm not surprised you are depressed and not interested in sex with him.
He has had a year to pursue these 'ventures'. He needs to look for work and start taking responsibility asap. Otherwise, I cant see how you can go on like this.
He reminds me how hard it has been for him this year. He reminds me a lot.
You are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Leaving cannot be any worse. A relief it will be.
Bet he tries harder for a job when he realises you aren't going to pay his bills and living costs!
I have tried to be so supportive this last year - his redundancy was a total shock and a kick in the teeth. I know it was hard for him to go back and ask them to employ him on a freelance basis for one day a week - his self esteem took a knock. So I kind of just let him get on with his "ventures" and "job hunting", being supportive etc. But today it just came to a head. Even when I told him I was resentful as he still didn't have a job, he turned it around on me saying "that's not the reason you're a hateful person" etc. I'm not sure that he accepted what I was saying to him.
OP, let me tell you a story.
I suffered a nervous breakdown last year (almost a year ago to the day). I was genuinely depressed and very ill, in hospital for a while etc.
My DH has carried the extra weight for this past year. He has picked up the pieces, somehow managed to make it all work financially, ran the household for the first 3 months after my breakdown when I was very unwell (all housework, ferrying kids to and from school etc).
Its been a year. I have been proactive (key word, here) in getting well again - therapy, mindfulness, exercise etc.
I am now going back to work. I have taken a job that is below what I am qualified to do, because it was a job I could get. A year is enough. I love my Dh and wouldnt let him continue to break his back to keep the whole show on the road.
If your DH is genuinely depressed and addicted to painkillers, he should seek help. If he loves and respects you, and values your relationship, he will do this. He will also start to look for at least some bit of work to ease the burden on you.
There is no excuse.
I'll admit that sometimes I am a horrible moody person to live with, but he cannot understand how stressful my job is and this combined with money worries and a strong willed toddler is driving me to insane.
I just cannot switch off. Ever. Since having my DS I have changed. I was successfully managing my depression before DS, but then found parenting so difficult. And I was back to work within 4/5 months - I feel like my head has been spinning since DS was born, I just haven't been the "old me". Sometimes I feel like I am drowning with parenting and working full-time.
Sounding, your H is a good man. And respect to you. I would do the same, no hesitation. Thank you for sharing.
H is a snob. He comes from a very well off background and MIL is loaded (hence her bailing us out) It upsets me that I would be so willing to take on any job to help our family but he will not. I am disappointed, if I'm totally honest. And probably embarrassed.
He is very talented as what he does, and he is always saying that he doesn't want to do a job "beneath him" or that doesn't make use of his degree or talents. I suggested stacking shelves of a night, and he looked at me as though I had stabbed him. He was so upset with me for suggesting it.
Why does your DM want paying so much money to look after her own grandchild?
DM, H and I all worked at the same school. I still work there.
When H was made redundant, I thought that we would have to sell the house to afford nursery whilst H got another job. We couldn't afford our mortgage and nursery fees on my wage, so we were thinking of selling up and renting somewhere cheaper.
DM then took voluntary redundancy and offered to look after DS for 5 days a week for £400. That was a fraction of our nursery fees. She had given up her job to help us out, and we thought we could afford £400 if H found a job quickly. Turns out we couldn't afford it, and MIL pays my DM the £400.
I think this is showing that the two of you have fundamentally different values when it comes to it.
Am worried for your mental health, OP, if you say you can't 'switch off'.
Can you go away for a cheap break in the summer? See a friend? Leave DH and ds behind??
If I could I would pay my DM more - she has given up her job to help us out.
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