Need to sort myself out!

[NotWorkingOut]

I need to try and sort my muddled head out! I posted last week about how my relationship is basically over and I'm waiting to be able to afford to move out. My head's just in such a pickle and I don't know whether I'm going about anything the right way.

In a nutshell, we've been together about 5 years, in the last 4, we've had sex about 4 times, all initiated by me and usually when he's got to the stage where he feels like he has to to keep me happy. As you can imagine I didn't really enjoy it knowing that! I've changed a lot, we're now very different people, he's also a bloody lazy bastard and does no housework even though I work PT.

So anyway, I was planning on saving money and moving out when I'd saved enough, which will take a long time unfortunately. I feel guilty as fuck though cos I haven't actually mentioned anything to DP, which I'm starting to think I should do? We've grown apart so much that we barely talk now about anything anyway.

We went out on the weekend and it was just the 2 of us for a change which was really nice and for the first time in ages we properly connected and we're having a laugh together and I did say to him how nice it was and we needed to do more like that more often. But then friends of ours turned up and we ended up spending the rest of the night with them despite me saying to him I was enjoying the 1-1 time (it would be rude not to sit with them apparently).

We did have a bit of a semi drunken chat about things after that and I made it quite clear that things really do need to change and he agreed that neither of us was really happy. He then did some eye rolling and said "god not the sex thing again!" He just can't see why it's such a big issue to me.

Since then though he has started making an effort around the house doing things he usually wouldn't and has made an effort to talk to me more, so I am wondering if it would be worth a cards on table type chat? That said though, I don't know if it would make the blindest bit of difference to how I feel even if he did suddenly change. I think we're just 2 very different people now. I've spent the last 4 years thinking is this really it for the rest of my life? So can't see how things could change so drastically.

I don't really want to end up just turning round and announcing that I'm leaving with little warning, but I've asked him to go to couples counselling so many times and been met with a brick wall. We're meant to be saving to buy a house and he keeps talking about when we buy the house and I feel so guilty sitting knowing I'm not planning on that at all. I have dreams most nights that he proposes and I have to find ways to turn him down too :(

Sorry it's so long and rambly, but I just had to get it all out and don't really have anyone I can talk to about it!

[Handywoman]

Poor you I think it it's reached the stage where you are having recurring anxiety dreams, it really is time to be honest with him about where you're at.

[NotWorkingOut]

I just don't know how to go about it, plus I know if it does turn out we've no future, I know he'll want a clean break straight away which I just can't afford atm. Gah such a bloody mess!!

[AcrossthePond55]

It sounds to me as if a talk won't do any good. I think your foot is already out the door. And that he's happy with things as they are.

Frankly, I'd save up the money before I had told him it was over, especially if you think he'll want an immediate 'clean break' AND he has the power to enforce it (as in you're living in his house/flat and he'd ask you to leave) or you think he'd make your life unpleasant if you didn't move right away.

I really don't think you have to worry about blindsiding him if you've asked him to go to couple's counseling multiple times. You've told him you're not satisfied with the relationship, he's just not listening.

Is there a place you can go sooner (parents, friends?) & still be able to save up for your own place?

[NotWorkingOut]

I think there's a foot and my brain already out the door! I've got to that stage where I'm mentally detaching and starting to plan our new lives now.

The tenancy is in both names, but me staying isn't really an option as LLs are looking to sell soon (guess who the intended buyers are?!) So I'm pretty sure they'd just give notice if he left. Going to parents isn't really an option, I've got 2dc. They're not his, in a way it would be easier if they were I think oddly, he does treat them like his own though and they can't remember life without him in it.

I just don't know how I'm going to be able to save enough. Ideally I'd like to be out well within 6 months as we've got some very big things coming up and I want the DC to be settled before that, but can't see it happening. My other thought was the house savings, which are "his", I could possibly ask him to lend me some money from there, but that seems so wrong! Once I tell him it's over, he has zero obligation towards us and I'd rather do it all my self tbh! Fucksake!

[popalot]

Sounds like your relationship has run its course, unfortunately. I wouldn't hang around once you've made your decision to finish because its going to do your head in (and his). Ditto to moving out and staying with parents/friends - maybe rent a room.

[popalot]

Just read the bit about house savings being his - did you pay into that pot?

[PurpleWithRed]

What do you think would happen if you did have the talk and tell him you felt the relationship was over? It sounds like he knows it is and wouldn't be that unhappy about it. Then you can plan something sensible together.

[NotWorkingOut]

There's no chance of moving in with family or friends, all my friends have kids and I've got 2. The house fund, I've not paid into it, I've been trying to claw my way out my overdraft before starting to pay in. It's odd though, it's always been referred to as saving for "our" house, but he's always said unless I could contribute a similar amount to him, I wouldn't be on the mortgage. I earn about 1/3 of what he does though so that's practically impossible!

Purple - I'm petrified that if I do that, he'll decide to just call time on it there and then and I'll be left high and dry. He's not a bad person, and I doubt he would leave us without, but I can't risk putting my babies in that situation!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He's not a bad person, and I doubt he would leave us without"

There is much evidence to the contrary, he is a bad person and he would certainly leave you without. He does not care about you or your children at all and has no obligation to any of you. Look at what he has said to you also re your name being added onto the mortgage; its clear he does not want you ever on it and has imposed a monetary barrier that he knows you cannot overcome.

Joint counselling with him would have been a wasted effort as well, again no surprise that he has refused to go. He does not want some woman telling him what to do.

Thank the stars you never will buy a house with him; you would be living there in his house with his sole name on the mortgage. That would itself make you very vulnerable and he would also be well within his rights also in such circumstances to tell you to leave.

You and this individual need to be apart and asap; no point flogging this dead horse any more.

[NotWorkingOut]

Honestly, I don't think it's that he's a bad person, but he's just not grown up in a typically structured environment (that old chestnut). His dad would be in the pub every night whilst his mum was at home counting her pennies. But his siblings seem to have adjusted fine. I don't want to sound grabby, but I'd assumed by the stage you're looking at buying a house together, that's when finances are combined and it becomes our money (to an extent).

I do know it's time to go, but it's just how. I need to do it as easily for the DC as possible, but it really does need to be sooner than later for them. I think part of the reason I want a new place set up before I say anything is I tried to end it a year or so back and he talked me round - I know we can't stay in the same cycle any more as it's just not healthy for any of us!

[AcrossthePond55]

I assume there's no way you can afford your current rent on your own, at least until the place sells? I'm in the US and pretty ignorant about the benefits available to families in the UK, but have you checked the website people frequently mention on MN? I think it's 'entitled to' or something like that. Do you receive support for your children? I know in some cases it's either impossible (blood from a turnip) or inadvisable (nightmare ex) but it something to think about.

Can you move to a less expensive area? Downsize to a shared bedroom for DCs?

I'm sure you've probably wracked your brain & thought of these things already.

[NotWorkingOut]

I could afford the current house, I went on entitledto.co.uk a little while back. My worry is though that LLs will just serve notice if they know we're not intending to buy it any more, although they did say they could hang on a couple of years for us to save enough.

I don't get any maintenence for the kids, their dad's terminally ill so I couldn't bring myself to chase him for money any more. That's also why I need them settled ASAP!

I'll almost certainly be downsizing and moving areas, I'm just using all my positive thinking powers to get me a decent amount of money saved and the perfect house popping up at the right time.

Thinking logically though, I'd be in a far better position to save if he moved out and I stayed put as I'd have a lot more money coming in.

[AcrossthePond55]

Well, perhaps you'd be able to talk to the LL about putting off selling in the event he moves out, especially if you'll be in a position to save up yourself. Would you be in a position to buy the house yourself after a couple of years? I know it's a big 'unknown', though. It'd be nice to be able to talk to the LLs first, but I'm not sure that would be wise.

I don't blame you about the child support. You're being very compassionate. Others wouldn't be.

Thinking logically though, I'd be in a far better position to save if he moved out and I stayed put as I'd have a lot more money coming in.

Is this due to benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent living alone? If so, can you apply in advance? There's got to be some way that people (I'm thinking more of abuse situations) are able to get out and somewhere 'new' or are they expected to be homeless for awhile? Sorry, I'm pretty ignorant about how benefits work.

[NotWorkingOut]

I think in cases of abuse, people often go into shelters and hostels temporarily whilst waiting for things to be sorted. I'm not sure though!

No, I'd not be in a position to buy myself. I know what you mean about it would be better if I could talk to them first, really wouldn't be wise would it! I feel totally in limbo atm, I just wish there was an easy solution really :(

[AcrossthePond55]

I do too. Unfortunately, it seems that there is no such thing as an easy solution these days!

I guess it's just a matter of deciding to 'grin and bear it' and just continue to separate yourself emotionally whilst saving up, or taking a chance on letting him know that you're done & dealing with any fallout. If I must be honest, I think I'd probably do the 'grin and bear it' and scrimp, sell things on ebay if I could, and borrow if I had to. I'm not much of a one for taking chances on finding myself on the streets. LOL

I've heard that the housing/rental situation in parts of the UK is really bad, both affordability- and availability-wise. Here it's not so bad, even if you do have to move to a questionable area or downsize for a month of two until you get on your feet. When BFF left her abusive ex she (& their 3 year old) ended up in a re-modeled 'motor court' in a teeny one bedroom efficiency apartment. She had some pretty 'sketchy' neighbours! She managed to move to a nice rented house after a few months once her finances got straightened out, but she had some stories to tell about the goings on in the meantime!

[NotWorkingOut]

Oh god I can imagine! Luckily even the not so nice areas round here are still really nice, but I'll be pretty much priced out of our village, which is a shame!

I don't think I've got that much that can be ebayed, but will be trying everything I can. Tbh if the worst came to the worst, I know my parents would help out, but that would be really, really last option for me.

I'm growing really resentful and I really don't like that :( I honestly feel like banging my head against a brick wall half the time. There's quite a big difference in intellect, which wasn't really obvious at first in the having fun stage, but especially now the DCS are growing up it's becoming more frustrating and more obvious. I do think he'll be the perfect partner for someone, but just not me, we've just frown miles apart and are leading very different lives.

[NotWorkingOut]

And to make matters worse, he's come home from work, had a shower and left my nice clean bathroom filthy! He genuinely thinks that cos he doesn't leave things lying around, he doesn't make mess and make life harder for me! Ffs!

[AcrossthePond55]

Ugh! That's the hard part about 'smile and bide your time'. You have to put up with so much shit just to avoid a fight that might end up in saying more than you want to!!

I find it interesting how many men are seemingly satisfied with the 'status quo'. Who knows though, he may be going through the same turmoil about this as you are.

[NotWorkingOut]

I think he may well be, he's been really distant tonight. But I think he would be happy just staying with the same old shit. I'm only in my 20s, I hate the thought of this being it for the rest of my life!

[AcrossthePond55]

You just never know, do you? But you know that you won't be happy with the old status quo.

It won't be for the rest of your life, love. I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s and felt the same way. That this was what my whole life was going to be. Now, decades later, I see it as just a blip on my life's radar.

You'll get out. Keep saving and put out feelers for reasonable accommodations. Even though he's not abusive (from what you've said) maybe a call to WA might result in additional knowledge of how to get away from an unhappy situation.

[AcrossthePond55]

entered too soon

how to get away when you have very limited funds.

[withalittlebitofluck]

I was you 10 years ago. I told him we needed to separate and he happily left and moved to his mums. Maybe tell him and then work out a separation plan.

[BrowersBlues]

Start making real plans to leave. It would be a good idea to do it over the summer and get the children settled before they start the new term in September. You don't see a future with him and you need to acknowledge that to yourself first. He is not the man for you. You owe it to him to be honest with him and let him be free to go on and meet someone else.

Have a chat with Women's Aid or the Citizen's Advice about any benefit entitlements. Once you start the balling rolling you will have to let your parents know your plans. If they offer to help you financially accept their offer gracefully. You will get through this and come out the other side. Good luck!

[NotWorkingOut]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd pretty much accepted it was all ocer and then XP's taken a turn for the worse, I don't think he has a lot longer left. I obviously can't unsettle the DCs if that is the case. So fuck knows. I will keep looking into things and trying to get everything in order until we get confirmation that things have got worse. But Fucksake!!

[AcrossthePond55]

You aren't 'stuck'. You just aren't moving ahead as fast as you'd like. Even saving a few pennies a week is still moving ahead.

Maybe it'll be a case of him getting pissed off and saying "I'm leaving". Then you can say "Yes, why don't you? I'll hold the door. Here's your hat and suitcase".

Ask WA and CAB for suggestions. Talk to family and friends, even if they aren't in a position to help you out. You never know what (or whom) someone may know that may just provide an answer.