Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just told DH I think we should separate. What now?

7 replies

ClaryLestrange · 02/06/2015 15:41

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago, but can't work out how to paste the link on my ipad. Short version is that we have been together for 20 yrs; DC are 12 and 14; one has AS (the latter, or DH's inability to cope with it, has been a major factor in the awful erosion of our once loving relationship - but not the only one).

DH knew we had problems but thought we might be able to work through them. I have detached myself to such an extent that I no longer have the will. We haven't shared a room or had sex for years; he has tried to be affectionate, but I can't bear him touching me because of the things he has said about one of the children.

That said, I do still care for him, and wish him no ill. Ideally, he would move straight out, but although we have a considerable collection of assets, we have no cash to rent anything in addition to paying the mortgage. So it looks as if we are both staying put for now.

The DC don't know yet, and we need to be v careful about how to tell the one with AS, so that part will need careful timing. What do I do now?

OP posts:

Report

measles64 · 02/06/2015 15:53

I recall this thread I commented on it, could you go to top and click on topics "I started." or perhaps someone else could find it for you. I am sorry it has come to this. Others will follow who can advise you much better than I.

Report

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 02/06/2015 16:09

Previous post here

How to tell DH that I am leaving

Report

ClaryLestrange · 02/06/2015 17:24

Thank you, both. Yes, it is a great shame. I feel awful and elated at the same time.

OP posts:

Report

pocketsaviour · 02/06/2015 17:57

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Are you able to dispose of any assets at this stage to provide a cash deposit for a 6-month rental for either of you?

Report

ClaryLestrange · 02/06/2015 18:51

Hello Pocketsaviour. I haven't seen a solicitor. At the mo, my only thought is to separate; weird as it sounds, I don't want to divorce him at this point. I just don't want us to live together. All our assets are in buy to lets, so are a bit tricky to dispose of. And I can't see DH consenting to live with a load of students. It will obviously be tricky as he works from home, so has his entire office all set up - but I can't exactly take the children to live in a student house either. Hmm. We are at least putting on a strange friendly act in front of the children, and I am being kinder than I have felt towards him in a long while. As this is my idea, it seems the least I can do.

OP posts:

Report

MajesticWhine · 02/06/2015 20:15

How did your H respond? Is he in general agreement that you need to live separately? If so, then I guess the next step is to sell your house.

Report

ClaryLestrange · 02/06/2015 20:21

Unfortunately, he is not in general agreement. He is still hoping for a reconciliation. But he has had so many chances to change his behaviour that I can't believe he would manage to keep it up now.
I am going to let it all sink in for the next few days, then I suppose we will have to talk again. The house is mid-extension-build (!) so it will not be sellable for a while - but we will undoubtedly have to sell in the long run.