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Left an abusive relationship..I think I'm about to go back

(128 Posts)
Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 14:51:53

I cannot believe I'm writing this here. I am sad to right this here. Because you all supported me when I thought there was no way out. You helped me through all my objections as to why I can't leave. I'm embarrassed to even be considering being miserable. I can't read my old post as it makes me shake thinking about the place I was in..But I split with him in Feb thanks to u all. And i never once regretted it..til now.kidney removable in 2 weeks and I been told no lifting kids for 6 weeks. How can u not.lift 2n 3 yr old..I lift them all time. I have no help. He's started creeping up on me Again. Showing how helpful he is.. And now I am worried about how I will cope after surgery when I won't even be able to stand straight. Be on strong meds for 2 weeks. He said he's ok to havs the kids a few days..my only optiom is to ask him to.move in for 2 weeks I'm devastated to move back to the start. But I see no option. And i feel trapped again. Maybe it's not so bad. Two weeks then tell him to leave. I don't know I can't see a way I can cope. I haven't contacted adult.services to see if there's any help available after surgery I have to ring after surgery.. It's sad to think I'm even considering it after all this but it's okay temporarily isn't it? Kids arnt effected he hasn't said anything That bad in awhile

mrstweefromtweesville Tue 02-Jun-15 14:54:42

I wish there was something I could say. Whatever you end up doing, I wish you well and hope you have a speedy recovery.

I hope people come along who can make practical suggestions.

MyGastIsFlabbered Tue 02-Jun-15 14:55:38

I don't know your past history but this sounds like a really bad idea. Can you not speak to a health visitor to find out what support there is? Do you have no friends or family who could help? If you let him move in for 2 weeks do you know if he'd leave quietly. And how much damage to your confidence could he do in those 2 weeks? Please reconsider.

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 15:07:09

Sorry I ment i have even

tallwivglasses Tue 02-Jun-15 15:19:29

Hopefully adult services can provide some support. Having him back is surely a last resort. Can the dc not stay at his, at least some of the time?

LadyBlaBlah Tue 02-Jun-15 15:22:44

I think you can call Social Services and ask them for some advice.

There may be some care to help you out, especially for the first few days. Please try that first. I don't know if they will (cuts etc.) but it is worth a try.

petalsandstars Tue 02-Jun-15 15:31:16

Any family or friends that could help for a bit? I'd rather put myself out than have a friend get sucked back into an abuser

MiracleQuestion Tue 02-Jun-15 16:08:51

Call your local Home-Start and enquire about a volunteer.

Vivacia Tue 02-Jun-15 16:14:49

What are your other options?

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 17:52:01

mirical i have been been non the waiting list for as volunteer for over a year... vivacias |" what are your other ooptions" im pretty sure if i had thought of any other options id let you know lol

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 17:54:28

Im sorry my original post didnt make sence.

I HAVE already contact social and adult services.
AS- said contact them through hosp after surgery which i wil do

SS- passed me through to the family centre who said the only thing they can do is apply for nursery help for me 15 hours from september which is useless to me now.
I Have at 6 hours in cab for them to say all they can do is if give me the adult services number.

I have contacted turn to us to see if theres any grants avilable for help. i have to go back to cab to see if they will sumbit them for me .

i dont have any friends or family. im not from around here.

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 17:55:28

ive sat 6 hours in cab my local cab you seethe first person then you went to see the second person and they looked into everything, and nothing they can help with.

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 17:56:54

hi lady, its not a safeguarding issue so there isnt anything they can do . but he is having them at my house first 3 days when i go in.. or untill i go home if im in longer than that..

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 17:59:31

thanks a lot mrs xx

pocketsaviour Tue 02-Jun-15 18:03:18

Are they both his kids? If you told him he needed to have them stay with him for a month, what would happen? Does he have family who could help?

(I'm assuming he's not physically/verbally abusive to kids at present as it sounds like he has regular contact)

tribpot Tue 02-Jun-15 18:09:08

Can you delay the surgery? I'd imagine not but just wanted to throw that out there.

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 18:45:00

Pocket. He's staying in my house wirh them for the first few days. His house isn't suitable for kids. Well he shares one room and says it's not suitable. He doesn't have family up here either.and that's correct. Never been abusive in anyway to gets hun xx

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 18:46:28

Hey trib no hun cannot at all postpone. This surgery at all. No way at all xx this surgery has been a long process to get here. 10 months of work up etc. X

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 18:49:04

I'm feeling very stressed. I even had a panic attack last night. Didn't go to sleep till 5am.. I'm exausted. Who am I kidding? You know how when a group of people lovely ladies on here are saying youl be fine. Cross that bridge when u come to it. But now I'm here..and I'm like...Ok noe i see why I was going to wait till after

I'm completly exausted and under the whether. I haven't even got our of bed today. He is doing a good job taking over. Well he likes doing that. I'm in bed right now.

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 18:49:57

I couldn't even go out today to collect my prescription and he had offered..

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 18:50:51

To kids hun not to gets.. Sorry typing while tired.

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 18:53:04

Pocket yes sorry regular contact not through a centre just between us we work it out. He insists on seeing them everyday which is understandable but if i say I want them one day to myself he says "so I'm not ALLOWED to see my kids now? (bare in mind he had turned up 6pm as that's when they wake up and he stayed with them till 10 and i wanted to take them to a group etc.

Happyandsimple Tue 02-Jun-15 18:53:33

Turned up at 6am not pm

RubbishMantra Tue 02-Jun-15 19:10:08

Oh you poor love. Won't Women's Aid help? Would they help you with contacting other agencies on your behalf?

If you let him back in your home, you'll have to go through all the stress and hideousness of making him leave again. He won't want to leave. You'll feel weak and vulnerable after major surgery, and he WILL take advantage of that. He might even be nice for a while, sucker you in.

TheVeryHungryPreggo Tue 02-Jun-15 20:46:52

You can do it. There might not be as much lifting as you think. I've had to stop carrying DS (2) for most of the last year due to back pain and pregnancy. You develop patience - standing over them til they get up. You use bribes (constant open bag of haribo in the cupboard!). You ask them to show you how well they can get themselves into car seats/chairs like a big boy, and sometimes all the messing about makes you late for things. You move the changing mat to the sofa and ask them to scramble up (and sometimes you have to wait a bit longer to change a poo because you can't wrestle them into submission. You become the mother who is standing patiently over her tantrumming child instead of dragging him out of the store.

You can do it. You can do it without the lifting and dragging them around and honestly, when they get the hang of it, it will be easier for you in the long run. DS doesn't ask me to carry him anymore (he's far too heavy!) but he still demands it from DH because DH hasn't changed, so DS will sit down and scream until he's picked up. Meanwhile he walks nicely beside me even when upset.

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