moving on, kind of

[wellysrule]

I should be really happy that I now have someone really good in my life but somehow it has actually exasperated things, for me.

It was my birthday on Saturday and I got treated really well. Boyf lives four hours away, but has only just come back from being oversea's. He arrived on the Friday and we really did have a nice time (including my two DC)

It's the first time in over a decade that someone has actually treated me nicely on my birthday. And that is what is getting to me.

I don't really want to go through the abusive relationships I have been through but, and herein lies the question, how do you get over it and move on?

Still chuffed that boyf treated me so well!!

[Hussarsataparty]

Think to yourself: I deserve this. I am worth it. Enjoy the feeling. Real life can be this good! Happy belated birthday

[wellysrule]

Thank you for such a lovely response. I think I might make that my new mantra!

[logicalfallacy101]

wellysrule appropriate username for current climate...that happens to me at times. Something fantastic/enjoyable happens, I start to over think it. I've sort of adopted "stop over thinking it" as my default mantra. Get some wierd looks in public. Glad you felt special, please have more days like this and enjoy them...

[Zillie77]

Wow, it's amazing how these ghosts of the past can pop up at such unexpected times! You have a different life now; revel in it!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Surrounded by positive strong people - whatever age - will help you feel worthy of being loved. No mental gymnastics, no drama. Waking up knowing you can breathe clean air again all day, every day because you've left the un-asked for, undesirable toxic stuff behind.

Belated birthday wishes

[pocketsaviour]

I think birthdays can be very emotional days. If you've been poorly treated as a child or an adult, I think you get this kind of psychological hangover - you want to look forward to it and enjoy it, but you can't quite believe that it's going to be enjoyable.

And then when it is, there's often some buried anger and pain to deal with - why couldn't he/they treat me like a normal person? Why did I put up with being shat on?

For the previous two years, I was very careful not to let work colleagues know it was my birthday, I kept it very low key and didn't really celebrate at all. This year I've made some changes that have left me stronger, and I was open about my birthday. My sister got me a lovely gift, and my colleagues got me a very thoughtful card and present. Plus a very off-key rendition of Happy Birthday in 40-part harmony

I think because I'd let go of those emotional expectations (that my toxic mum would finally come through with a meaningful gift) I was able to relax about it.

I don't know if it's the same for you but I hope some of this might help!

[wellysrule]

Thinking about it I think it is coming to the forefront of my mind because it makes me realise just how awful my last two relationships were, which makes me feel shite for a) being in them in the first place and b) putting up with it. Although yes, I did stand up, question things, but when you are constantly criticised, when your children are constantly criticised, it gets to just be normal, and I was constantly made to feel like I was in the wrong for expecting 'help'.
Little example (there is so so much more). Ex (not the kids' dad) used to go to the pub after work for a couple/few pints so miss 'family' dinner. Would then refuse to do the dishes as it had just been me and my children who had eaten, so after I'd done bedtime whilst he sat infront of his computer (often on porn) I would have to come downstairs and do the dishes/tidying up. But when his children were staying I was also doing the lions (always think it should be the lioness') share of the work.
Whereas my new man (and I hope future husband...shh, you heard it here first) just mucks in. On Saturday I took my eldest to work with me, whilst he took my youngest into town. I got back first to find the kitchen sparkling. I got on with lunch, he came back with compost and pots which he had noticed I needed - nobody has ever been that thoughtful to me before!!
Actually I feel incredibly sad that I, a strong woman (to the outside world, soft as shit really) have spent so long in shitty relationships. It's only being in a good one that it has really hit home. I guess it's a process I need to get myself through.
logic maybe you're right, that should be my new mantra - stop overthinking!!
zillie I wish the ghosts would just naff off now!!
donkeys you are so right. It's the no drama bit which really resonates.

Well thanks for the responses. Feeling wringed out by it all at the mo, but need to bury it for once and for all.

[wellysrule]

pocket I hadn't seen your post before I wrote my previous one. You have hit the nail on the head -why couldn't he treat me like a normal person.

I'm sad for you that you have had shite in the past but so pleased that you were able to let your colleagues celebrate with you this time round.

I guess it's birthdays and any big event of the year 'cos you can remember exactly what happened this time 5 years ago or whatever, other days have been shite but not on an anniversary.

wishing you well