Am I being hyper sensitive ??

[chick1980]

So I met my now husband 5 ago . The man I met was charming , funny and affectionate and he portrayed himself as a ideal father towards my daughter (his step daughter 13yo).

In the last 18 months he has become increasingly moody , temperamental and spiteful towards not just me but also my daughter . He always apologises or says he is joking for example ...

He calls out daughter names like , 'ginge' as she has strawberry blonde hair / constantly teases her / moans that she hasn't done this or that in the house. I think sometimes his expectations of a just turned 13 year old are too high ...what 13 year old has a spotless room as doesn't have the mood swings that hormonal girls do , he seems to purposefully try to but heads with her to the point I feel like I have to teenagers , his behaviour borders on the juvenile .

With our relationship we have real chemistry I still fancy him rotten but his recent behaviour means I just don't feel 'it' and am rarely in the mood when I've spent the day trending on eggshells or listening to snide or nasty remarks.

Just in the last week he has said things like-

Shut your trap in front of my sister and her husband
Stop being a baby (as I was upset at his behaviour )
You don't do anything round the house (when I do)
Leave me alone
Shouted at me because I made arrangements which meant he might have missed the start of the FA Cup final
F&£) off
Sulks on a regular basis
Threatened to shut my mouth for me (although he wouldn't touch me he sounds full of spite when he says this)


After the event he always says he was joking or he didn't mean it and is full of regret but he doesn't seem to want to change his behaviour . He tried counselling he didn't stick at it , he tried medication for depression but didn't keep taking them and then promises to change and I forgive him.

More often than not he won't acknowledge he has done anything wrong and then he is moody as he thinks I'm being over sensitive,


I've told him I think he is a bully and he doesn't seem able to admit this or indeed able to explain why he behaves like this ...?!?

I feel stuck in a never ending circle and fear my daughter thinks this is the way that husbands / men behave (sadly her father was hardly the greatest role model) . I feel I need to make sure I'm not being unreasonable are all men like this !?

I find myself having to lie to when people ask what's wrong with him I say nothing his joking etc but deep down I sense my family are noticing this change in him too .

I really do love this man (or at least the man I know he can be) and wish I could have the happy , charming man I met back , but I don't know if this is my wishful thinking , I feel I have failed and desperatey.

I know I've waffled on but I need some impartial advice ...

What would you do ?

[Noneedtoworryatall]

Well op I wouldn't stand for the name calling.

Did something happen 18 months ago to cause him to change?

[FlabulousChix]

You can take the abuse you are an adult and chose to put yourself in that position. Your child has no choice and the fact that you allow it speaks volumes about you putting he needs of you first as opposed to your child. No man biological father or otherwise would ever be allowed to talk to my children without respect. Hence I was single for nearly all their lives and moved them over a hundred miles away from their dad so he couldn't belittle them or abuse them. It really pussss me off that women allow their children to be abused. That's what you are doing grow a back bone and put your kid first.

[chick1980]

It's interesting you refer to this as abuse I hadn't necessarily put it into that category...

My daughter is very much my priority and she very much loves her step father. What I was looking for was advice and support . I am not in the business of divorcing someone without trying or nor am I in the business of placing my daughter and I into uncertain circumstances housing / financially without serious consideration ....If I did leave I suspect she would feel the loss of him in our lives a sadness too.

I guess what I wondered is , has anyone else found themselves living with a husband OH who seemed once to be so loving and charming and then seemed to change , and did they ever get the man they once knew back ? ... Are there any circumstances when this behaviour is acceptable ?

[tippytap]

In my experience, the charming persona is the fake one.

You hadn't known him long really, before his mask began to slip. This is who he is.

He sounds nasty. For your daughters sake, if not your own, you should not put up with this.

[Creatureofthenight]

Of course you're not being over sensitive.
My DH and I might sometimes jokingly tell each other to bog off, but shut your trap or I'll shut it for you is going too far.
You say he's been to counselling and been treated for depression. So there is a problem which has been acknowledged. He needs to go back and sort this out.
Of course you want to be supportive and work things out, but it's also your job to stick up for your DD - his treatment of her is not OK.

[nicenewdusters]

You are not being oversensitive at all. If I witnessed a friend or relative being treated like this I would be shocked and worried.

Did something happen 18 months ago that explains - but doesn't excuse - his behaviour in any way ? Was the counselling for his depression, and why did he say he didn't continue with it ? Does he tell you he still feels depressed ?

All the behaviour towards your daughter is unacceptable - no minimising, no excuses.

[chick1980]

Sometimes it takes someone removed from the situation to see it I guess.

The doctor says he lacks male company/banter , he stopped working about 2 years ago in a fairly male orientated environment , but I don't necessarily think this is an 'excuse' ...

More often than not he accuses me of not having a sense of humour ...I feel like perhaps I should be laughing some of his comments off however I think because it's reached the stage where he seems to be nasty more often than not I react to every comment whether genuine joke or not. This in itself creates a endless circle of unpleasantness and I guess what I'm hearing is that he is unlikely to change despite my wanting to save this relationship .

Please don't get me wrong I've never accepted such negative , rude behaviour from a partner before (somehow an ex cheating seemed less cruel ) but I really thought I'd found Mr right otherwise we wouldn't have got married.

I fear I shall raise the issue with him again and say enough is enough and somehow I will still find myself in this situation 6 months down the line unless I do something decisive now :((

L

[chick1980]

He felt the counselling was a waste of money but with the medication it's purely a lack of motivation to do something ..

He comes from a family where I feel his feelings are sometimes dismissed and it's only now being reflective that I can see that his poor relationship with his family was perhaps an indicator of perhaps deep seated issues with intimacy / knowing what a family unit should look and act like.

[Inexperiencedchick]

Are you sure he is not atracted to your DD?

The person you knew before is a mask, I had met someone like that before...
They never change.
Just cover real face behind the facade.

My dad never tells my mum to shut up no matter how difficult she sometimes can be...

It's not the right treatment you are getting here, nor your DD should.

[nicenewdusters]

You've identified lots of potential issues and triggers for his behaviour. The trouble is how much of this can you make any difference to ? Is he willing to acknowledge any issues and address them ? If he is, what level of unacceptable behaviour are you and your daughter prepared to accept in the meantime ?

My ex's family were/are deeply dysfunctional, but how much of this could be used to excuse/explain unacceptable (to me) behaviour ? At some point as an adult you have to develop some self awareness and responsibility for your choices and actions. Can you see this happening ?

Personally I really dislike it when someone says lighten up or you're being over sensitive. This usually follows an insult or derogatory remark which the person is supposed to just suck up, or even worse laugh at. It's trying to put somebody in their place, and when they don't want to go there, blaming them for having a sense of self worth not to agree or laugh.

[chick1980]

I think he will say he will get help I just don't think without my 'making him' he will stick to it ..If I was giving advice I'm sure I'd being saying the same things I'm strong and independent in other areas of my life.

Your words about at what stage do you have to force someone to take responsibility for their own actions really resonates with me. Your right regardless of background he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour ....I guess I suspected the response I would get from this board but some of these responses give me reassurance I'm not being overly sensitive and har underscored what I perhaps knew which is this needs to be resolved sooner rather than later . I worry about the consequences but then I guess the consequences of leaving things as they are is potentially far more damaging.

Thanks ladies xx

[ninetynineonehundred]

I'm guessing that you don't speak to him like that as a joke?
You know it would be unkind and so does he.
He knows exactly what he is doing, it's a choice he's making.
I'm sorry you are being treated so badly. As far as working at the marriage goes that takes two. You cannot get him to see it because he already does. If he wanted not to be unpleasant you wouldn't even have to ask him.

As far as being oversensitive goe, let's be crazy and assume you are (you're not by the way) ...

Someone who loved you would be horrified at the idea that they had upset you. No ifs, no buts. The very most they would do would be to say 'shit,I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean it like that and I'm gutted that I've hurt your feelings. I'll never say that again '. And the key thing is that they wouldn't.

Unkind words are a choice. Certainly those ones. They never just come out.