Am I being a mug?

[TinyDancer69]

I posted a couple of previous threads about my now ex-DP. I had a horrible time with him since the birth of DS who's almost 3. And then found out he'd been shagging some young woman in his office since DS was a tiny baby, meanwhile being an EA bully to me.

Anyway I finally made the break and found a flat for me and DS to live in and I'm completely relieved. My problem is twofold: I feel terrible guilt at the upset this will cause his DS from a previous relationship, my DSS and my son's half-brother. They are very close. I've been making an effort to keep things as normal as possible for him by visiting when ex-DP has him. DP doesn't want to tell him we've separated as he went through this with his mother and ex-DP. He is 8 now.

I don't want I keep doing this as I'm getting no time off at all . I have a lot on my plate right now as my mum has been diagnosed with dementia so I'm trying to care for her and DS with zero support from ex-DP. He has never offered to take DS - it's all about me running around to his tune. He is a bully and gets nasty and gives the silent treatment if I don't do what he wants. I know I'm being a walkover but feel guilty that if I put my foot down DSS will suffer. Oh, and ex-DP has not paid maintenance since I left a month ago...I asked him about it and he got really arsey. He doesn't think he should pay because it was me, not him, that wanted DS. Nice. And total bollocks.

I still have stuff at his house so don't want to bring up subject of maintenance until I've moved that out. He does have to pay me right?? I mean what an arse to think he doesn't have to contribute to his son's well being. Other issue is he has not committed to set times to see DS although I have offered to meet halfway to make it easier for him. But there's no effort or commitment from him.

There's other stuff I could tell you about his behaviour but any words of wisdom on how I tackle these issues much appreciated.

[CalleighDoodle]

I think you need a solicitor to get things formalised.

[Gilrack]

Congrats on making the break, even though it's still partial the moment! It sounds as though he's still controlling you and you definitely have too much to cope with all at once. Keep posting.

Regarding DSS, your intentions are admirable but XP's still using it against you. Have you considered discussing the situation with his mother? You might be able to take on a different role as a sort of aunty, keeping the brothers in touch, while staying away from his father.

[CalleighDoodle]

He sounds a
Dick and henis trying it on.

[TinyDancer69]

Calleigh - that's what I fear and want to avoid as it would be very expensive. But it may be the only way forward.

Gilrack - I did think about contacting his ex and won't rule that out. He is still controlling me and it's another burden I'm carrying right now. I guess I'm still afraid of his anger and I know how nasty he can be.

[lunar1]

Really glad to see you have got away from him.

[TinyDancer69]

I know I sound like a complete walkover - my boundaries have been shot to pieces since DS was born (probably before that if I'm honest). I question everything now. I know he has to pay maintenance but he's such a bully that I feel intimidated, scared even, of pushing it with him.

[MrsCaptainReynolds]

Get your stuff and walk away. Make a life on your own with your DS. Let him pursue access. Let the CSA deal with maintenance. No more running around for him. Make arrangements directly with the mother if you want DS and DSS to have playdates. Your only responsibility here is not to block reasonable (safe and appropriate) access, you don't have to be the one instigating and facilitating it.

If he is the aggressive bully you describe, him not pursuing access may not be such a bad thing?

[TinyDancer69]

MrsCaptain - thank you - really wise advice. I would feel so much lighter if I left it to him to pursue and also CSA. Guess I wanted to keep things amicable for the sake of the boys. But that cuts both ways - and right now all he cares about is DSS, himself, and the new girlfriend he met on Match.com while still under same roof as me. I even had to stay in a hotel twice with DS as he wanted to bring new GF back to (his) house . Even just writing that I'm ashamed how much shit I tolerated...

[Gilrack]

No, the shame is all his. Would you treat a partner like that?

If, for some bizarre reason, you ever did treat a partner so badly - who should feel ashamed: them or you?

Leave his shame, his responsibilities and his choices on his doorstep. Walk away free.