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Do I contact his mother? (DS half sibling)

(33 Posts)
JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 17:08:31

Name changed, not for me, for the other people in this. I'm all over here, practically moved into Stately Homes having ‘graduated’ from the Emotional Abuse threads. If you recognise me, no problemo, but don't out me please.

My Ex had a child with another woman in the late 90’s. He has not seen his DS1 since the lad was a toddler. His ExGF apparently refused to allow him access. He says that she made the ultimatum that it’s me and my son as a package or nothing. I am hmm about this, because Ex is abusive, a low grade narc probably, certainly a liar and won’t make any effort unless there is something he wants out of it.

According to him he does call her every so often and the supposedly recent situation is still that she still won’t allow direct contact unless her DS asks for it. Knowing what I know about Ex, I understand where she might be coming from.

I was with Ex for 10 years, (spilt up about 4 years ago), we have a DS (10) together. Ex left the country 4 years ago and has not been back. He is in some contact with us, when he has time/inclination, especially now communication is free as we both have smart phones. He sends money when I remind him to, and I have to, every sodding month. He remains firm in his believe that he had every reason to make my life a living hell, and that as I had the cheek to protest every so often the kicks and punches were justified too.

Anyway…

My DS knows about his brother, but I am fairly sure that this woman and her son won’t know about us.

My DS would like to know his brother, he has no other family and I'm fairly sure this other woman would not have had any children after her DS, so they are both onlys.

I have her number. Do I text her? Or Do I call her? I am fairly sure that the number I have is ONLY kept for Ex to have any contact, there is no whatsapp, no FB, no nothing linked to that number.

Or do I leave it alone?

I did say that I would let Ex know if I was going to contact her, which I will do, but I wondered what the MN consensus is and what should i be preparing for etc etc..

OhDearMuriel Fri 29-May-15 17:29:05

Yes, I think you should, after all they are related, and who knows what may develop between them if you don't give it a chance.
I suppose you have no option but to inform your Ex., although a pity as it comes across as if he doesn't seem that bothered/interested in his own offspring.
I would play it that it is up to the other mother & her son to think about it etc etc., without putting any pressure on them. I suppose a very gently gently catch the monkey approach.

Bogeyface Fri 29-May-15 17:40:09

I would contact her, but I wouldnt tell him that you have. Its just another reason for him to make life difficult for you.

Its none of his business at the end of the day, this is between DS and his brother, you and his mother, nothing at all to do with Ex.

zipzap Fri 29-May-15 17:42:42

agree that you should approach them, quietly and nicely, and see if it's possible to build up some sort of relationship between the half brothers.

Also agree that I wouldn't tell your ex anything, as it's just another thing for him to beat you with.

JoanHickson Fri 29-May-15 17:46:41

Do contact her. Don't be surprised if the half sibling wants no contact.

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 18:46:44

Thanks Joan valid point, something that I will have to discuss with DS.

Interesting many say about not telling Ex, don't get me wrong, he is and was abusive, but I have been on mum television for long enough to have graduated with a Certificate in Kickarse, he literally HAS to treat me with respect, or I have no hesitation in telling him exactly how it is. True I'd not piss on him if he were on fire have anything to do with him if not for my DS, but he's thousands of miles away, he's got nothing...

He should have told her though, right? She does have a right to know.

What other considerations am I missing? I don't want to make her feel anything negative, she's a far better woman than I, she kept away from him, and without doubt her life will be better as a result.

Her parents hated him, and according to him, she'd do everything she was told to by them.

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 18:47:45

Mumsnet not mum television fgs!

Bogeyface Fri 29-May-15 18:52:02

I don't want to make her feel anything negative, she's a far better woman than I, she kept away from him, and without doubt her life will be better as a result.

I suggest that you tell her something like this. And make it clear that you are not with him anymore as she may worry that he is using you to get to her son. And for her sake, dont tell the ex. Its not just you that he could use this against, and you dont have the right to bring that down onto her. Yes she sounds strong, but you dont know how she handles it and it would unfair of you to put that onto her without her knowledge and agreement.

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 19:37:28

Thanks Bogeyface smile

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 19:44:14

id hope at least she and I could talk. So that at least she knows. Swapping photos would be nice too, I know DS is very keep to see if he looks like his brother, but I'd understand she may not want that. Not initially.

Good grief, this has been in my head, and now it's coming out, I will have to contact her, and just hope she responds positively.

Just need to mull and think about the words I want to use

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Fri 29-May-15 20:03:04

Agree with Bogeyface but I think you also need to be prepared for her to ignore or dismiss your approach. DS's dad has not contacted him for years, I really don't know how DS would react if he knew he had a half sibling his dad keeps in touch with sad. So it may be better not to get your DS' hopes raised just in case you cannot find them or they want to leave the things in the past.

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 20:09:40

According to the Ex, he does phone periodically, last time being a few months ago, but she always said no, until he was old enough to make up his own mind.

Part of me thinks that it'd be part of anyone's human nature to be curious, and one day he'll want to know his dad. Knowing a brother might be one step easier.

I am conscious that he might feel bad at not having known his dad like my DS does.

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 20:10:48

But then DS hasn't seen him since he was 5 either...

JoanHickson Fri 29-May-15 20:14:55

My children remember their Dad and are "older" they are not interested in him.

They were angry at me for not hating their half sibling. Now they understand the child was innocent. They still say they have no interest in the half sibling. They may change their mind. They do have jealousy towards the half sibling and it's probably best they work through that.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Fri 29-May-15 20:15:44

He rings periodically? Last time a few months ago? That makes him sound like a very... unconcerned parent.

But as I said, they may be interested or they may not, but I think you need to do it for your own child, it is the right thing to do, after that, the ball is on their side. :-)

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 21:28:43

The man hasn't seen his son for about 15 years! He says she won't let him, but he's never bothered to pursue it. He rings, she tells him there's no contact, he goes away. He has sent messages asking if he can pay child support, she never responds. I know, I've seen the texts sent. He treated her abysmally by his own admission.

I don't know when he last called her, as I said, he's abroad and we've been split for 4 years, it's not a subject that comes up between us.

But yes, invho he's failed his son, the both of them tbh.

Joan, were your children the first children? Was their half sibling younger?

JoanHickson Fri 29-May-15 21:36:50

Yes we were the first family.

justcallmethefixer Fri 29-May-15 21:45:46

Is the half sibling not adult now? Is any decision to want to know their half sibling their decision?

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Fri 29-May-15 21:49:04

Jenny, that is what me ex says, that I am not allowing contact, that I don't respond, that I have separated him from his son. From time to time I had people giving me a piece of their mind about my "horrible" behaviour, but the door has always been open, he just doesn't care. It us certainly easier to blame the lack on contact on the other parent than to explain to the world that he is a rubbish dad.

Frankly, if he were contacting DS once in a blue moon, that would be even more damaging, getting him all excited about seeing him just for dad to disappear again?

I'm starting to think that it may be a good idea to try to find what really happened before trying to contact her. At this time you only have his side of the story, but whay if something worse happened and the kinder thing to do would be to leave that family alone?

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Fri 29-May-15 21:49:43

Me ex, good heavens, mY ex...

JoanHickson Fri 29-May-15 22:24:04

I have been given abuse too by idiots who think the ex can't get contact because of me. I used to cry with frustration. The last one to do it to me waa a stanchions Catholic, so he will get a shock at the pearly gates.

JoanHickson Fri 29-May-15 22:24:34

Stanch

JennySayWhat Fri 29-May-15 22:35:18

I lived with him for 10 years, the story hasn't changed, he does acknowledge he was bad to her - dumping her basically, rejected her badly. Without warning. Then I think as he's asked to see his DS over the years she said no, saying absolutely not until he was over a certain age and then he can decide. The last time I spoke to ex about this, the age has been reached but she's still not facilitating anything. I guess it's a big step for them to consider, and tbh, why would they bother? For him? Why on earth would they, I don't blame them. To them it's like a potential can of worms. Pandora's box, perhaps, for sure.

I have no way of finding out any more than I know already really, the only new info would be from her.

I wonder if she'd be prepared to talk to me first without involving the boys, I'd completely understand if she didn't want to tell her son to begin with.

As you say, she may ignore me, but even if she did, I still think she has a right to know. Or is that me being self focussed?..

JennySayWhat Sat 30-May-15 11:05:00

Bump

GammonAndEgg Sat 30-May-15 11:19:01

Just send the text! Don't overthink it.

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