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Low libido….Feeling dissatisfied/bored in bed…. Is this normal??

(38 Posts)
Lowlibido91 Fri 29-May-15 12:27:07

NC for this as it’s all a bit mortifying.

I have been with my DP for just over 2 years. Our relationship is great, he is my best friend and we rarely argue. I know sometimes the sex drops off a bit after a while in a relationship and this has been the case in all of my relationships…due to my lack of libido.

At first, I can’t get enough of them and then it just peters out…

DP and I DTD on average 3 x a week, depending on our schedules etc. However, even If we were to spend 7 days together continuously (on holiday for instance) we will probably still DTD about 3 or 4 x in that week. He would be happy with every day I think, but I just find sex a bit of an effort and get a bit bored?

Anyway, TBH, as bad as this sounds…I’m just never horny…It’s not that I don’t fancy him because I do, but I just find it really hard to get turned on, occasionally I will be, but most of the time it’s him trying it on and me ‘relenting’ and having sex. Often I get in the mood once we get going and then I am more inclined to want it again the next day etc, but I still find it hard work and always think what else I could be doing (I know, that sounds awful)

We had a bit of a chat the other night about our sex life, he seemed a bit exasperated and said that he is fed up of me never initiating sex. I have never initiated sex though really, with any partner. TBH, I like to be submissive in the bedroom which is where I think a lot of it lies because I think he likes the girl to take control a bit. He also said he’d like me to tell him what I like more, but I feel shy and awkward doing this and I don’t really know why.

I honestly feel like I’ve become a bit stale and boring in bed, I’ve never been as bad as I am now but I DO think my current DP has something to do with it. My ex was more selfish in bed BUT, actually, he got me more in the mood because he did a lot of dirty talk and took control/was dominant in the bedroom. My current DP is a lot better in bed in terms of technicalities and making me come…but he just isn’t passionate. It’s all very nice, loving, gentle and wish washy and it drives me up the wall a bit.

A bit of sexting etc helps to get me in the mood, but DP and I have never done this…he just doesn’t really do plain, rude dirty talk. He is loving and gentle….but do I dare say it…maybe a bit vanilla and ‘boring’ in the bedroom which, in turn I think has flicked my switch off?

I am contradicting myself though I realise as the sex in ALL my relationships has petered out after a while and my libido has decreased, whether there is dirty talk/ dominance or whatever. How normal is this though and how normal is the situation I describe above?

In a nutshell, I adore my DP, I fancy the pants off him and we have a good relationship, but for some reason, I’m just not that bothered about sex? 90% of the time when we have sex I’ll come, either through penetration or him using his hands/tounge so it’s not like he DOESN’T satisfy me…but it does seem to be the same couple of positions each time and he always likes it slow and gentle which just isn’t what I want ALL the time.

How do you communicate with your partner what you want? I think I found it slightly easier with exes as there was sexting etc going on which a) got me in the mood and b) helped me somewhat to convey what I’d like to happen in bed. I think maybe I need to try and initiate this with current DP more, although I have tried previously and it didn’t really go anywhere.

:sigh: I don’t know. Our relationship is great, we have good sex where both of us ‘get there’ if you get me, but I am starting to wonder whether we are compatible sexually, not in terms of libido but just what we like. I’m not sure whether my lack of libido/horniness is because I’m just a bit bored of our sex life or whether it’s normal to not really be bothered but get into it once you get going?

Have any of you had to educate your partners a bit in what you like or were you compatible from the start?

Please be nice, this post has been embarrassing enough to write!

pocketsaviour Fri 29-May-15 12:40:27

I find vanilla, "gentle and loving" sex totally boring as well.

What about watching some porn with him and saying "do that to me"?

Honestly to me it sounds like you'd be better matched with someone kinkier, unless he can get into a more dominant mindset.

ClareAbshire Fri 29-May-15 12:44:25

Watching with interest as felt a bit like this since burth of DC but not sure what to do about it. Sorry to offer no advice.

ThisTimeIAmMagic Fri 29-May-15 12:48:25

I think this is more common than you perhaps think. Sometimes the qualities that make a good partner (kindness, tenderness etc) extend into the bedroom but sometimes you just want a bit of rough.

I don't have any answers but will be watching with interest. I'm beginning to feel like my sexuality is much kinkier than I realised and I'm not sure how to make that fit within the context of marriage. I am nearly 40 and had a very conservative upbringing. I wish I had understood more about my sexuality when I was younger and free.

ThisTimeIAmMagic Fri 29-May-15 12:49:08

And like Clare I think becoming a parent complicates things.

Lowlibido91 Fri 29-May-15 12:58:52

It’s difficult because I do GEUINELY want to sit at work, feeling horny thinking ‘God, I can’t wait to get home and rip his clothes off’ but, apart from the first 6 months of us seeing each other, I don’t have that and I’m genuinely not sure whether it’s a hormone imbalance or something with me or whether it’s the fact that if I’m honest I do find the sex slightly boring that makes me not want it very often….but then I’ve kinda always been like this…so maybe it’s just me or I’ve just never found the right partner sexually??

I just want him to be a bit more dirty and kinky, I appreciate that I’m a massive hypocrite as I’m too much of a prude to tell him what I want, but I do think I’d be more comfortable with doing that if he wasn’t so straight laced?!

TokenGinger Fri 29-May-15 13:19:52

Porn is a good idea. I never thought it would do anything for me. However, DP watches it when receiving oral. I have never orgasmed intensely through oral before. He put some on for me to watch whilst receiving oral last week and - oh my days. I've never experienced pleasure quite like it. It's really spiced things up a bit and it was just a simple change.

Lowlibido91 Fri 29-May-15 13:29:53

See- a part of mr would like that but A) I don't think id ever be confident enough to suggest it to my DP and B) I don't know even if I did whether he'd be up for it or recoil in horror at the thought! To be fair, the best/most passionate sex we've had has been when we've been really drunk so maybe were both just a bit inhibited/boring!

Melonfool Fri 29-May-15 13:59:26

I was going to suggest getting drunk - at least then you might find you can tell him, if he is asking then he should be receptive to it.

Zillie77 Fri 29-May-15 13:59:55

Most men would be thrilled to hear their female partner urge them to give it to her hard and fast, if you will. But in my experience, men tend to think that women prefer a very soft, gentle approach in bed. Him asking you to tell him what you want is terrific. Why not write something really dirty on a card and hand it to him? Or just sext him and see how it goes?

MsColouring Fri 29-May-15 14:12:46

Have you noticed any changes to your sex drive related to your menstrual cycle? Could your method of contraception be affecting your sex drive?

Or maybe you just aren't that sexually compatible sad

Lowlibido91 Fri 29-May-15 14:14:31

Am I a bit weird/odd (I’m in my mid 20’s) are you all really confident about discussing openly with your partners what you want/ like in bed? I’d be interested to hear, I just can’t seem to make myself say it. Sometimes DP will ‘tease me’ mid-session and say ‘Tell me what you want.’ And it’s on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t say it, I just CRINGE.

Lowlibido91 Fri 29-May-15 14:22:49

I am hornier when I’m on my period I think? I KNOW I am DEFINITELY hornier on the day of a hangover, weird but definitely true, when I’m hungover I’m often horny. So maybe it is a chemical/hormone thing as well as slight sexual desire mismatch?

I have the copper coil so no hormones.

Melonfool Fri 29-May-15 14:27:11

I am confident discussing with him what I want but I am 47 and 'over' the idea of not getting what works for me. Cuts both ways though, not that anything I like he doesn't. And I won't do anything he likes and I'm sure he wouldn't do just anything either though I've not found anything yet he's averse to.

What do you say when he asks? Could you practice by saying something easy, or that he always does or is already doing, so it doesn't feel demanding but just gets you used to verbalising? I think also you should try to tell him that you find it hard to tell him so he knows you both need to work on that.

Melonfool Fri 29-May-15 14:27:33

btw - I think 3-4 times a week is loads smile

MsColouring Fri 29-May-15 14:28:29

I have had very open discussions with my dp about my wants and desires - probably more at the earlier stages of our relationship. Weirdly, I sometimes find it harder to say what I want now because I think we have fallen into patterns of behaviour but I think I could say if I felt sex wasn't working for us.

Could you try and work with the hormones/chemicals and initiate things when you are feeling more horny (may not when you are on)

Zillie77 Fri 29-May-15 14:29:15

It took me a while to get comfortable with explicit/nasty talk in bed. The first few times I did it I made myself blush! But once I saw the effect it had on my husband (schwing!), I got much mor comfortable with it. I am nearly 50, and he and I just started sexy-texting each other regularly last year and that has been great fun.

Zillie77 Fri 29-May-15 14:30:53

more, not "mor"

DrMorbius Fri 29-May-15 14:46:22

I wonder how common this is. Last year I was in a pub talking to two female friends (wives of my friends really). One had the book Diary of a Submissive. We had a general discussion on being submissive (as I knew she had previously read and enjoyed Fifty shades). Out of the blue she said her DH was lovely, but too gentle and she would love for him to come home from work and just "take her" sometimes. At this point the other friend said she wished exaclty the same thing.

I have often wondered if she (or both of them) wanted me to mention quietly to their respective DH's.

DrSethHazlittMD Fri 29-May-15 15:03:37

Sigh. It never ceases to amaze me that people are quite capable of having sex with each other but incapable of talking about it.

People AREN'T mindreaders. Unless you tell your partner what you like or dislike, what are they supposed to do? They will carry on doing what they THINK you like.

I think as a PP said, most men assume women only want loving, sensual "romantic" sex. If you want a bit of "rough" then tell him! You can hardly blame the poor bloke for your "lack of horniness" if you can't even talk to the bloke about what turns you on.

Lowlibido91 Fri 29-May-15 15:06:03

To be fair, I DID say to my BF the other night when he said he was frustrated it was all him making the effort etc that I just don’t think we like the same things sexually…he said what is that then and I said ‘Well it’s nice that you’re loving and gentle in bed but I get bored of that, sometimes I do want things a little rougher, for you to be a bit more dominant.’ And he started ranting on about how on earth was he meant to know that when all I do is lie there not giving him any indication of what I want, which is a justified comment I guess! I suppose though, with my exes I haven’t had to really indicate what I want because they just naturally and automatically DID what I want!

I think a proper sit down chat is in order, or, more likely a get blind drunk and have a discussion or I get blind drunk and text him what I want….

I just feel it kinda kills it a bit though if you have to say, if it’s all a bit contrived and forced because that’s not really in their sexual nature….is it going to end up just a bit cringe?

I SO wish I was more confident talking about what I like, my sex life would be much better!

Twinklestein Fri 29-May-15 15:30:05

I do feel a bit sorry for him as by your own account it sounds like you're lying there like a lemon, too uptight to say what you really want, and then disappointed when you don't like what you get.

It does seem strange to me then you can have sex but not talk about it. I guess you're both going to have to get a bit drunk...

DrSethHazlittMD Fri 29-May-15 15:38:20

You can talk to strangers on here about it, but can't consider talking to the guy you've been with for two years about it without considering getting drunk.

Interestingly, you've just said you didn't have to tell your exes what you wanted because they naturally and automatically did what you wanted. No, they did what THEY wanted and it happened to coincide with what you wanted, so the subject never came up. But it's interesting because you said to start with that your libido ALWAYS drops after a while in your relationships. I don't think it's anything to do with your partners, but you. Because it's happened with the guys who dominate you and the current guy who doesn't.

Lowlibido91 Fri 29-May-15 15:42:25

I know, but I do think it is because he’s quite straight laced and so I feel like if I were to say mid shag ‘TAKE ME ROUGHLY FROM BEHIND OR SOMETHING’ it might shock/ repulse him?! We were together about 8 months before he even THOUGHT of doing any other position than missionary, he’s obsessed with me on top but I hate it, I’ve never been ‘good’ at it, I hate someone gawping at me and I never get off from that position.

I don’t normally have to have a really awkward convo with partners because most men like doing it doggy and just get a bit ‘rarrrr’ whilst they’re having sex, but not him, it’s just really gentle and slow and lovey dovey, wish washey all the time and in the beginning I thought I wouldn’t have to say anything as he was probably just going easy for the first few months and things would liven/spice up a bit once we’d been together longer, now, obviously I realise that actually (apart from a couple of times when drunk) slow, gentle, missionary etc is just his ‘thang’ so have now realised a talk is needed.

I often wonder about his exes, did they find the sex a bit dull or did they tell him what they want?! Obviously I’d never dream of asking him but I do wonder.

DrSethHazlittMD Fri 29-May-15 15:45:29

OK, based on your last post I'd say stop moaning about him and wishinig he was someone else. Let the poor bloke go. If it's "wish washey" then leave him so that both of you can find someone you're compatible with.

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