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Relationship issues, any advice?(21 Posts)
Me and my partner have been having problems for a long time, we argue about jealousy issues to the weekly shop. I really feel like the relationship is coming to an end now but I can't help feeling in need to know whether I'm completely wrong about things.
A bit of background, I'm 20 she's 28, same sex relationship. We live together and split payment for everything. However this is where things have turned slightly sour, I've been contributing £150 for food every month which I give straight to her and she pays for the shopping, however obviously if we split everything then she should be also contributing £150 however some months I don't even believe we use my half of the contribution let alone use hers also. When I brought this up she decided to take the defensive and say well if you don't want to pay anything you know what to do (as in leave) It's like this wasn't even negotiable, I wasn't asking not to pay I was just pointing out we don't spend all this money on shopping, it annoys me that something such as food shopping can cause such a big argument!
Anyway every time we have an argument recently she tells me to leave, which is why I have a problem with giving her the money at the start of every month, I feel like it's unfair that if I'm gone for however long and have to buy myself shopping all over again and plus the money I spend on travelling. I feel like because I'm younger she feels like I'm not even entitled to an opinion on anything!
I've not been living with her for around 3 weeks now and she asked me to come back, to try and sort things out, obviously things haven't been sorted and I'm going back home and suddenly she tells me make sure you don't leave without leaving me some money. I asked her how much money for the shopping she wanted, because I've literally been here 4 days and when she paid for shopping I bought a meal out which covered what I thought was my share of the shopping. Her shopping included things like candles, her cosmetics and cleaning things for her home but she things I should pay half of the full shopping bill! Not just for the food we had, for things I won't even be using! I know this sounds so petty an ridiculous but she makes me out to be awful for not wanting to pay for all these things! She even went as far as saying there is more dust with two people in the house so she will use more polish, I mean is this a normal thing to say? I understand I have showered here but seriously? She kept all of the things I've bought for her house and I'd never dream of asking for any of this back!
She has less money than she used earn and says I should count myself lucky she isn't asking for more money because she has spent more on me throughout the relationship! It's not like she's bought me clothes or bags or anything like that! She likes to order in more than I do and eat out so that could be what she's talking about but I would also pay for things and if I knew she would be like this I'd never have even taken a thing off her, it's not even like I've asked for anything! I feel like she thinks she can walk all over me,
I've never been spoken to the way she talks to me, the arguments are horrific! I've had arguments with previous partners but nothing compared to this!
Sorry if this is long winded I just really needed to vent my frustration
Money issues are one of the biggest causes of arguments in a relationship. Your DP sounds very cautious with money and entrenched in her views regarding how you should split paying for things. Being rude to you is disrespectful and uncaring. Sorry, but IMO you are being treated badly. Your age is not an issue.
Sounds miserable. Whatever the issues are, she's awful to you then threatens you with the door when you call her out on it. Unacceptable.
I don't think you need to be in this situation. As she says...you know where the door is. Close it smartly behind you and don't look back.
This is so sad to read.
So when you say you live together and split everything, in addition to the £150, do you pay money towards rent and bills too?
If this is the only issue in the relationship, can you suggest getting a joint account and you both paying the same money in to it each month, and both having access to it to do the food shopping?
Are you paying £150 plus half the utilities and rent? Or just £150 a month?
At any rate if as you say you are arguing about almost everything, you don't seem to be suited. Seems like the relationship has run its course.
It doesn't sound as if you will be coming back this time so I'd just give her what you think is fair and leave. No it's not normal.
Run you are 20 far too young for this shit. Set yourself some higher expectations. She is taking you for a ride. Her stock answer is to tell you to leave that's not love that's control.
This sounds miserable, not a relationship I'd want to be in.
Myself and OH talk about finances a lot, and I am scrupulous about making it 'fair', though that is actually impossible I think.
I feel sure you can find someone better, you sound very kind natured.
Your OP reads that she only wants you for the cash you give her.
Yes I also pay half for bills. If I ask to see receipts from shopping she explodes at me saying 'you were stood right there you should know!' Like I can just reel of a shopping list just because I was stood next to her. which isn't what I'm saying at all I just like to know what we bought.
She had problems like this with her ex and made her out to be really bad and still owing her money, I thought that was really bad and now I kinda laugh about it since she thinks I owe her money!
We once went on holiday and stayed at her family members house, they were renting a 2 bedroom place in Spain and she told me that it would cost them extra to use the second room, don't know if this is true? Basically it would have been around the same to stay in a hotel. She was looking after all of the money while there and overspending. She ended up drawing more money out and saying I owed her some random amount. While I was over there she would sit in moods with me for no reason, sometimes I don't even think she knows herself, her family was really nice so I just ended up talking to them instead. But I really couldn't wait to come back, my bags should have been packed at that point!
Also no rent her parents bought her the house outright..
Thank you for all of the good advice, I really should have left a long time ago. There's many more issues other than money but this has just been the most recent!
I think you've already decided you need to leave - your gut is telling you this, right? She is clearly using you. Do you have support from friends / family? Final break ups are always hard, but I do think that from what you've written here, you'd be better off financially and emotionally without her in your life. good luck and come back for support through the process if you need it.
She doesn't sound cautious about money, she sounds controlling.
You'd be a fool to go back.
I really do feel like this is the end now, I used to only want finish it when she was being horrible but now even when she's being nice I feel uneasy. Yes my family will be very happy to have me back, moving in has made me feel really isolated because it's an hour to get here! I was already gone for two weeks and I'm going back home after four days with her and I really can't wait to see my family and friends. Thanks for the advice again
She's had less money for around four months, her parents gave her money and she went out on a few nights out, after telling me to leave. And then asked me to transfer food money to cover her overdraft, I ended up telling her straight 'so now aswell as not contributing your half you want mine when youve kicked me out to cover your overdraft, what exactly are we going to use for shopping then?' I also found out her mum has given her a couple of thousand this time and she's back to her usual spending. I don't think she understands that although yes you have a couple of thousand this month but next month you won't so why are you spending like you have a steady income.
Well done for listening to that sense of unease! Often it's those gut feelings people ignore, only years later wishing they had listened. She's clearly using you, she has some kind of problem, which is costing you a lot of money! Onwards and upwards, I say! You deserve much better.
Time to go, this relationship is going nowhere, and she has a lot of growing up to do. When you are in a good relationship you don't want to leave even when there are problems. It should feel comfortable all the time, and not be a sense of stress. Even then that is no guarantee that it is a forever relationship. But if it's hard and uncomfortable and basically unfair, it's definitely not a keeper.
After this and her puppy nonsense on your other thread, why do you only feel like it's coming to an end?
You've moved out. You have no ties (kids, mortgage, tenancy agreement). You don't like her any more. You've seen clearly now that she uses you for money.
So tell her it's over and to stop bothering you, and cut all contact. She'll call you a money grabbing butch to her next partner too.
Then, stay single for a while until you have it straight in your head that her money demands and moods are not normal in any way at all.
sounds like she has a serious spending problem and will lie and cheat anyone to get hands on any extra cash.
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