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Son not liking staying with the in-laws,

(11 Posts)
Morgysmum Wed 27-May-15 14:14:52

Hi my son who is 8, suffers with Anxiety and is a very sensitive child.
He doesn't like going to my partners parents house.
In the last big school holiday's we found out, through my mother she said that M, had told her than granddad B, had been telly my son that ghost's are real, so all the noises he hears are ghost's.
We live in end terrace property, so you can hear the neighbour moving about, but my son thinks it's ghost's. I did tell him that ghost's are not real, my partner told his mother to tell his dad not to scare M, plus not to mention ghost's
But just last night, before my son was due to go to my in-laws, M tell's me that Granddad B, took his false teeth out and showed them to M, he said it scared him and he didn't like it, he told his Granddad, to stop it he didn't like it. but my son say's he doesn't trust him not to do it again and not scare him. I have told my partner to tell his mum about it, I would tell them but I get the feeling they don't take things I say seriously, probably that I fuss to much, but they don't seem him sobbing his eyes out at the thought of going to there house.
What should I do to help my son enjoy going to there house? he is fine when he goes to my mothers, but my dad doesn't go round trying to scare the living day lights out of my son.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 27-May-15 14:21:43

What was your man's response to his parents behaviours?. Why has your man not seemingly directly spoken to his dad but to his mum instead. Why are you both talking to her rather than his dad directly?. Are you both afraid of him?.

If there is no trust there is really no relationship between your son and his grandparents.

Hissy Wed 27-May-15 14:29:17

Is this partner your DS father? Not that it's overly relevant actually...

Your son is old enough to tell you what he is not happy about and while he is anxious, perhaps overly so, he is scared and this is something that must be addressed. I dare say that these GP are trying to 'make more of a man of him' or some such nonsense, but this is not the way to do it.

IME ghosts are real, but if you talk to your DS about the fact that some people believe, but others don't and that IF they do exist, there is no reason to be scared of them.

I would speak to them directly about this and find out what is going on, and to tell the GP that you will be scaling back overnights as he is scared and you need to deal with it. If they want to have him they have to accept that he is more nervous than they might expect, but that it can be helped by encouraging him, not terrorising him.

What you do to help him feel better about going is to stop the overnights until he is happy to resume them. Ask him to talk to you about what he physically feels when he's scared, then talk about what it is that is scaring him and show him how his fears may be irrational. It's OK to be scared about scary things. over time he will learn to do this himself and challenge the fear before it takes hold

rumbleinthrjungle Wed 27-May-15 15:17:31

Unfortunately some adults think this kind of heavy handed teasing is being good with children and its meant as fun and jollity without the sensitivity to think about how the child feels. My otherwise beloved DGF used to joke with me habitually, at every single visit, my precious pet cats needed drowning, stick 'em in a bucket - I was absolutely distraught at the thought every time (upset now typing it!) but he did it until I was in my 30s and finally very firmly told him how much it upset me. He was quite shocked to realise I hadn't taken it in fun and apologised.

Agree I would stop the overnights for a while, and to be nicely very specific with them about the things that currently are scaring and upsetting him, and that it's making him afraid to sleep away from home.

Morgysmum Wed 27-May-15 18:38:36

Hi guy's thanks for the comments, I ask my partner to speak to his father, as I do not get on with him, if I was to talk to him directly I might do something that would end up with my partner not getting to see his parents.
I believe my partner is scared of his father, as he is very sensitive, his father is very over baring, he treat's his wife like a slave not a great man.
I don't understand what a DS is?
If he is upset when he get's back I will, tell them he is not going to stay over until my father in-law grows up and stops upsetting my son.

Finola1step Wed 27-May-15 18:41:26

Sounds like your partner's father thinks it is his job to "toughen up" your son. The prick.

Isetan Wed 27-May-15 19:04:59

Your partner won't speak directly to his dad because he's afraid of him but you still send your sensitive eight year old DS (who has complained that FIL scares him) to stay with him, am I missing something? Why are you putting your son through this?

Morgysmum Thu 28-May-15 22:02:10

I only send him for my mother in-laws sake, as we don't live close by so she wouldn't see him other wise.

Floralnomad Thu 28-May-15 22:07:13

You shouldn't be sending him at all - it's tough if that means they don't get to see him - who is more important here your son or your MIL .

sleeponeday Sat 30-May-15 21:16:05

I'm sorry but your son should be the priority. Not anyone else. If your MIL is choosing to stay with a bully that's very sad but why does that mean your son is forced to put up with him, too? Your son is trusting you with the information that this horrible man is harming him emotionally. Stop allowing it. If MIL wants to see your son, then she can visit. If the FIL is so appalling that she really can't then CLEARLY he is not fit to be with your son.

Sorry but I am unnerved that you aren't stepping in and stepping up with this. Your son is your responsibility because he's a child. Adults have choices, he doesn't. Protect him.

sleeponeday Sat 30-May-15 21:19:47

If he is upset when he get's back I will, tell them he is not going to stay over until my father in-law grows up and stops upsetting my son.

Why are you sending him at all? You said: they don't seem him sobbing his eyes out at the thought of going to there house

He is sobbing his heart out at the idea, and you still make him, so a grown woman enjoys his company, so his feelings and mental health don't matter? Can you not see how terribly wrong this is?

And your FIL isn't going to change! People don't unless they want to, accept what is wrong, and try bloody hard, and even then there are no guarantees. He is never, ever going to be any different. So your son will continue to suffer in his grandfather's home. You can stop that if you just don't make him go.

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