Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he lying about these bank charges?

(51 Posts)
ConfusedAndSick Tue 26-May-15 21:46:28

Namechange.

My husband enjoys wearing womens underwear. I found out by accident near the start of our relationship. Over the years he has gone through stages of lying about it, spending money we can't afford on it, hiding it, throwing it all away when caught and then it all starts again.
He knows that I'm not keen on it. I accept it as I love him and he's not hurting anyone, but I draw the line at him walking around the house in heels, stockings, the lot, around me.

We're at a stage where we can talk about it and he has some "outfits" that I'm ok with him wearing around me but he knows I don't like him spending lots of money on it and that I will not have sex with him wearing it. I tried it once, for him, and it left me cold.

Now I've found charges to his bank account to a website called Chatropolis.
It doesn't take much looking around to see they have a "Men in Lingerie" section, as well as plenty of other things.
He knows that this would be way too far for me as I have a huge fear that one day he'll want more from his cross dressing and leave me or cheat on me with someone he can fulfill his fantasies with.

He said he knows nothing about it. Swore on his childs life.
Lying about it would be worse than the act itself to me.
I said to him if it was fraud then he would need to call his bank, on loudspeaker in front of me, and report it. Which he did. The bank agreed it was fraud but also said it would be going to their crime department and there would be repercussions if he had lied to them.

I still can't say I truly believe him on this.

Do banks normally say they'll refund you when you make an initial call like this? Or must they have seen something their end to prove it was likely to be fraud?

Does anyone have any experience of this site?
I can't see there's a way to log on with an email address only with a login which I can't see that you can reset otherwise I would have entered his email to see if an account was recognized.

I feel sick and lost and I can't talk to anyone IRL.

Quitelikely Tue 26-May-15 21:50:55

It may well be fraud but I can't understand the customer service advisor saying to your dp that there would be repercussions if he had lied to them.

Seems quite rude actually.

Time will tell. You will know because the bank will refund the amount.......

hedgehogsdontbite Tue 26-May-15 21:52:42

Check the internet history or go to the log in page and request a password reset for his email account.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 26-May-15 21:54:30

Banks usually say they will refund if it's a small amount but they do warn you that they will investigate and if they find you were at fault they will regain the money. That all sounds plausible and doesn't make it more or less likely to be true.

RightSideOfWrong Tue 26-May-15 21:58:53

The bank are following standard procedure. They will refund and redebit if they find no evidence of fraud.

How long ago did this happen? I'd have checked internet history but there's a good chance it'll be deleted if he knows you are suspicious.

Is it a joint bank account? I'd handle the investigation yourself if so, or I can see him calling them and admitting he made a "mistake"...

ConfusedAndSick Tue 26-May-15 22:12:38

Well they said something like the police would be involved if it was found to not be fraud. But they said then and there that they would refund it. It was less than £13.

I've checked internet history and emails and can't find anything but he has been on his laptop and would of deleted any evidence straight away.
The website doesn't sign in through email, it signs in through a username and you can only reset the password with the username as well.

Ok so the bank saying that doesn't prove anything. At least I know. Thank you.

It happened today.
It's not a joint account.

pocketsaviour Tue 26-May-15 22:18:19

OP, check down the left hand side of the website, there's a link for "Account Lookup" which takes you through to the credit card processor. You can enter his email address and credit/debit card number to look up an account. (You don't need the subscription ID.) Try that, with all of the email addresses that he owns/uses, and the card number.

Melonfool Tue 26-May-15 22:24:31

He doesn't need to delete history, he could have been using incognito windows.

hedgehogsdontbite Tue 26-May-15 22:26:38

Here you go, easy instructions on how to restore any deleted internet history:

www.bullguard.com/blog/2014/08/5-ways-to-recover-deleted-internet-history-data-easily.html

ConfusedAndSick Tue 26-May-15 22:32:06

Thanks pocketsaviour, that proves he has an account.

He fucking lied to me. I feel sick to my stomach. I fucking hate him.

hedgehogsdontbite Tue 26-May-15 22:34:48

Not only has he lied to you, he's now also guilty of bank fraud.

DollStar Tue 26-May-15 22:43:18

Come on, the chances of a bloke who likes dressing up in womens underwear should get frauded from a site who have a "Men in Lingerie" section. Seriously you need to see the wood from the trees

Lilylonglegs Tue 26-May-15 22:48:06

I would call the bank straight away and tell them it was a mistake before £13 spirals out of control.

Melonfool Tue 26-May-15 22:48:29

It doesn't sound as if you were totally on the same page in the relationship in the first place to be honest.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 26-May-15 22:51:36

If it can be proved he's falsely alleged that his account has been hacked/compromised, the bank will have casue to bring criminal charges against him.

I doubt they'd bother for £13 but he may be asked to take his business elsewhere.

Were you aware when you married him that his predilection for cross-dressing could give rise to such uncertainty about your future together?

Smorgasboard Tue 26-May-15 22:58:05

You are in a difficult situation, as is he. He likely feels insecure that you might leave him for what he does as much as you fear that he may leave so he can fulfil his urges. It seem both your fears have lead to this situation. You have stayed with him although you are not ok with it, his big lie was that basically he could keep his needs at bay, when clearly he can't. You may find though honest talking that he can't stop and you can't tolerate it. What you do about that takes some honest discussion about how you feel. Understandable that you may be turned off by it, it takes a certain type of person who wouldn't be. Be honest with yourselves, can he really reel it in ? Can you feel attracted to him regardless or is it already killing your desire. It could be kinder to each other to part as friends, accepting that your styles are incompatible.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 26-May-15 23:04:40

Act on Lily's excellent advice and engage in damage limitation NOW!

Have him call the bank tonight and make profuse apologies for the unfortunate mix up/early alzheimer's which caused him to lose track of his outgoings and of course, silly billy that he is, he made the transaction - so very sorry, it won't happen again, mega mistake on his part, blah blah.

It may also be prudent for him to show his face at his branch office and offer repeat apologies to the manager - don't know what came over him, as his account shows he doesn't usually make mistakes of this nature, under a lot of stress lately etc.

Be aware that if the bank tells him to take his business elsewhere, he may find it won't be easy to start over with another.

That said, what are you going to do about being married to a man who can look you in the face and swear on his child's life that he hasn't done what he knows full he did?

Smorgasboard Tue 26-May-15 23:05:00

This is about more than £13. It shows how deep his needs are. Not necessarily wrong to have them, but wrong to lie that you can control them. I'll bet that's his fear of losing you and the family you share causing him to lie. He's had to hide it so much in life that he's got used to lying too much.

Spl0ink Tue 26-May-15 23:10:55

This makes me a bit sad really. He's obviously really ashamed of it and your reaction to it is making him even more so.

How do you know he's lied? His account username came up?

UnsolvedMystery Tue 26-May-15 23:34:55

It sounds like this was getting too much for him to keep under control.
It must be very difficult for you.
Definitely get the bank sorted first, then take it from there.

sakura Wed 27-May-15 05:47:49

I'm glad this dressing up is not an issue for you.
But for me it is obvious he is engaging in something that makes you deeply uncomfortable, and that he is constantly pushing your boundaries with regard to his little hobby to the extent that you can only hope he doesn't take it further.
And if he does keep taking it further?
Before long you'll be "oppressing" his rights as a transgendered if you so much as make a peep about how much he spends.
Plenty of wives have been through this shit.
It is highly abusive and most (not all) of these men are deeply misogynistic.

paxtecum Wed 27-May-15 06:07:24

It's difficult. Basically he cannot help his urges.
I was married for 30 years to someone who had fetishes and liked cross dressing.
He'd think nothing of spending £200 on getting a crappy dress made.- there was a woman in a nearby town who made quite a lot of money making dresses for men.
We used to have sex with him dressed as a woman which was quite off putting really.
A bit like having sex with your MIL.

Your DH needs to be with someone who will embrace his cross dressing and you need to be with someone who isn't a cross dresser.
Life can be very complicated and unfair.

hashbrownnofilter Wed 27-May-15 07:08:38

Confusedandsick, I feel for you, one of my best friends has been through this as well and it is exhausting when there is no clear cut wrong and right. However the lying is tangled up in the panic here though it does not excuse pushing the lie so far and for me that would be a deal breaker. Only you can decide now where your boundaries are and if you can get past the lie, but like other posters have said, the situation tends to come around in a circle so you may well fond yourself back here again.

Goddessofsmallrhings.. early alzheimers is a horrible terrible thing to be dealing with or see people going through. It requires huge amounts of testing and diagnosis and then follows a miserable downhill life standard. It is not a tool for a liar to lie further and you suggesting it on here is insulting.

Happyfriday Wed 27-May-15 07:44:58

I think you have been very naive to have considered believing him or giving him the benefit of the doubt.

If he likes cross-dressing and there is a transaction for a website that sells women's underwear for men, then it's more than a coincidence.

If you didn't believe him, then you have allowed him to set himself up.

Yes he shouldn't have lied but he has made himself look stupid for not a lot of money and I can't help feeling a bit sorry for him. He lied to protect you from feeling hurt.

The issue for me would not be the £13 or the lie but the act of cross-dressing and how I felt about that.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now