Child contact in family home (with DH around) - could it work or would it be unbearable?

[damnstatistics]

I finally had the talk last week where I said i will be leaving. And meant it. But plans to stay with a friend seem to have fallen through, and I am now faced with having to move to not very nice rented and sink £10k for a year's rental. H has said he will 'take his time' over any settlement - he will stay in family home with DS.

But strangely, having had the talk, I am feeling much more positive and stronger and intensively looking into possible options. I could rent somewhere with just one bedroom or flatshare (much cheaper) IF it was possible to have child contact back in the family home. Some arrangement like:

• DH and I agree childcare arrangements like 3 / 4 days pw each, on 'our' days we would each take full responsibility for any childcare necessary - then at 10.30pm or whatever I would go back to mine.
• All arrangements including any family events, school things, working hours etc to be agreed a week or two in advance.
• meals - seems so contrived to eat separately if we are both in at the same time... maybe agree one or two family dinners a week
• H would have to agree that he does not need to know what I am doing on my 'off' days - and this would be very very hard for him - it's been a huge issue that he needs to know in minute detail what I am doing all the time and kind of 'approve' it.
• maybe even agree alternate weekends so that we can get a break from home life.

What do you think? - is this doable or would it quickly become unbearable?

[NRomanoff]

So you would never have your child over night?

Where would you dh go on your weekend with the child?

[flora717]

Personally, based on what your partner feels about your time, It sounds as though it could become fraught.

[damnstatistics]

I am thinking this would be a temporary arrangement until a financial settlement is agreed and I can buy a place. But it could go on for 6 months - year.

Yes hadn't worked out the weekend stay issue.

[NRomanoff]

I wouldn't be ok with no overnight stays with my child for an indefinite period. Do you know if it could have any impact, if dh was to decide he wants to be the Primary Care giver?

Does that concern you?

[avocadogreen]

Having been through a separation I just don't see how it would work. And, as NRomanoff says, I wouldn't want no overnight stays.

I think that if you want to do 50/50 custody the best thing is one of you stays, one of you rents a place big enough for DS to have a room. I don't know your situation but I would be very, very wary about being the one to leave the family home, especially if custody was to become an issue in future.

[middleeasternpromise]

It could and probably will be a disaster. Anyone who I know who has attempted this has nearly had a breakdown. You say STBX likes to control things in minute detail - you will be coming onto 'his' territory once you've moved out and he's not going to like that - why out of interest are you the one moving out? How old is child? You would do better to do the living apart together option if you really feel you want to share care and ensure a financial settlement is reached in a fair and reasonable timescale. Have you had legal advice? You do know you seriously compromise your position by moving out and your ex could claim he is the main carer and demand maintenance from you. You need to give this serious thought unless your reasons for getting out are welfare based.

[damnstatistics]

DS is a young teenager.
I feel I need to get out because DH has said he will not leave the house. It is already very difficult tensions and atmosphere. Horrendous day to day, but not abusive apart from verbal barbs from time to time.
He is a good father, no worries there.
Would "living apart together" not be just awful too?
I will see a solicitor next week and ask serious questions about Primary Care and maintenance (H does not work).

[NRomanoff]

Sorry but no way would I do this. Essentially you are becoming your childs nanny. If H doesn't work, where will he stay when you have your weekends with ds? Do you think he will leave you in what essentially becomes his house.

What about the costs? If you leave and he doesn't work where is the money for bills and you ds come from you? it will come from you.

What about costs when you are there, will you pay for heating on your weekends/days. Will you pay for the food you use? bring your own food for you and ds on your days?

There is a lot to consider, I don't think it will work, tbh.

[avocadogreen]

If DH is that bad, what do you think he will say to your DS if you leave? Why is he refusing to leave, does he not accept that the relationship is over? Personally if he is refusing to leave, I would see a solicitor and find out your rights. If you can't make him leave I would be inclined to leave but take DS with me.

[damnstatistics]

Ok I am clutching at straws here. I am feeling a bit desperate and probably not thinking straight. You have all pointed out serious problems with my idea.

Where we live it's expensive to rent. At the moment I am not working either - I'm studying after being made redundant last year (it seemed a good idea at the time). I wont be able to earn enough to rent a 2-bed until the course ends, even then it would be a struggle. But I could use savings to pay for 6 months rent up-front. But that would be a large sum which would be much better spent on buying a property.

I do actually support DS staying in family home as it would be less upheaval for him, it's close to school etc.

[avocadogreen]

Also, if you're not working you may find it very difficult to find somewhere to rent. I work but on a relatively low income, topped up with tax credits etc, and I found it very hard to find a letting agency that would accept me. Lots of places say 'no DSS'.

I think you would be best to go to Citizens Advice and see what they suggest. Possibly the best thing would be to stay in the same house while selling it, even though it might be hard emotionally.

[26Point2Miles]

All very amicable til there's a new partner on the scene!

[nj32]

I am going through a similar situation & i am mixed as to if it will work. My h left 6 wks ago, he hasn't had the children overnight at all yet. He has had them at our house & i have gone out due to his living arrangements. I have had to put some boundaries in place which has been difficult. I have just found out he is living with someone else so originally said i didn't want him in my house but this is also unrealistic at the moment.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This arrangement is never going to work in the short term let along any longer than that.

Why are you leaving the family home at all; simply because he will not?.
I would seek legal advice asap from a couple of firms of Solicitors. No man is above the law here and some men do refuse to leave the marital home anyway. Its just another way of theirs of controlling their intended victims.

And no he is not a good father at all to his child either if he is treating you like this.

[damnstatistics]

I am leaving because... I am initiating the separation, he does not accept it is over ... and he will not go...and I am getting quite desperate to get out and have some headspace. If I waited until a financial settlement was sorted it could be a year or more. Also my intention is to work, whereas - I think - H intends not to work (although he could). It is almost a reversal of the traditional male / female situation.
I will get legal advice on the position re child custody and maintenance and rights to marital home.

[damnstatistics]

nj32 what boundaries have you put in place? Where do you go when your H is at the house?

[trickyex]

Please do not leave. It is essential you seek and listen to some good legal advice, it seems as if you H is trying to control you and the outcome of your impending divorce.
You could end up in a really disadvantaged position if you leave. A house sale can be forced if H is being so uncooperative and funds released to enable you both to live elsewhere.
Don't potentially undermine your relationship with your son on the basis that he can remain in the family home, you are more important to him than where he lives.

[mynewpassion]

I'm going against the grain here and say that if your health (mental and physical) will greatly improve by you leaving, then leave. You can fight the financials, including the house, later. Its likely that you won't receive as much if you stayed in the house but sometimes, health overrides the a few thousand pounds. And, it might be worth it rather than staying and living in hell for the next 12 to 18 months. You say he's a good father and that your son will be ok with him.

I think it will be hard for you to have contact in the house if your ex will be be difficult. Maybe, just not have overnights until you are better situated or work out with friends to stay over one weekend a month. Also, if you aren't working, your child maintenance payments will be very minimal so you needn't worry too much on that front.

[mynewpassion]

Also, spend time reassuring your son that he's not the reason for the split. He's old enough to understand and probably seen enough of your marriage failing that a split might be welcomed.

[damnstatistics]

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. Shedding light on such a difficult area.
I need to keep communication going with DH as there are so many important issues to resolve. I would like to take it step by step but it seems that everything needs to be done at the same time.
I feel a bit mad actually, obsessing about this, coming up with loads of weird plans, pinning all my hopes on one event only to have them dashed, switching tack from one day to the next...

[pocketsaviour]

I think it will be very difficult to manage the set up you suggest. I would be more inclined to rent a crappy bedsit and forego overnights until the house sale is done (or if your son is amenable, overnights on the settee or in a sleeping bag. No it's not ideal but EOW isn't going to do him any damage.)

Your other option is to remain in the house while trying to force a divorce for unreasonable behaviour and force a house sale, which it sounds as if it would be a protracted battle and probably be more distressing for your DS.

If you're happy with your H being judged the primary care giver and for you to pay maintenance on that basis, I would leave now if you can.

[damnstatistics]

I actually looked into buying a camper van and parking up somewhere for the summer.
And living in a tent on a farm.
And staying with a friend (who has her own family problems...)
And being a live-in housekeeper...
!!!

[trickyex]

First things first, see a lawyer and find out where the land lies.
Don't be too quick to offer solutions to a difficult customer, ie your husband!

[pocketsaviour]

Well out of the above I'd go for the camper van option, but you know you have to pay site fees if you park and use utilities? It might be more practical getting a house or flatshare if you can ask around - and at least bills are usually included.

[JeanSeberg]

You definitely need to take a step back and get legal advice as it doesn't signs like you're thinking straight in your rush to get out.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you all.