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Relationships

I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

246 replies

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:21

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

OP posts:
JemFinch · 26/05/2015 11:23

This will go well...

Look at the amount of times you used desperate in that post, how is that dignified for you. Walk away. Leave him to his family.

DowntownFunk · 26/05/2015 11:24

You're not going to lose him because you didn't have him in the first place.

Delete his number and move on.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 26/05/2015 11:25

Aye, Jem.

korkycat4 · 26/05/2015 11:26

Walk away, walk away. You will look back at your behaviour in years to come and cringe. Why would you even want to be with someone who makes you desperate? That's the opposite of how love should be.

WhileYouWereOut · 26/05/2015 11:28

What do you expect us to tell you? That you should hang in there and wait it out? Are you love's young dream?

You need to get a grip and end it with this man. He is reading you the script to the letter. You fear its the end? There should never have been a beginning.

Leave him and work on your self-esteem. You're just a convenient shag, surely you have more self respect than that. From your OP it's all about how he feels and the time he needs and what he wants. What about you? You are better than reducing yourself to this man's bit on the side.

Plarail123 · 26/05/2015 11:28

He sounds like a total asshole. Move on and find someone who is single.

flora717 · 26/05/2015 11:31

He's not available, not invested and, with the best will in the world he's dishonest. He's not torn between one thing and another, he got caught trying to have both and wants his family.
His priority is clear, you need to walk away and pick up your life. One where being on your own at the weekend isn't the end of the world would be a good start.

highlighta · 26/05/2015 11:33

Oh Rubber, re-read your post back to yourself, and try to think of yourself as an outsider to your situation whilst reading it.

goshhhhhh · 26/05/2015 11:34

He has used you to boost his ego at the detriment of your self esteem. He has not intention of leaving his family and even if he did would you want to be with a man capable of that?

Claralikessage · 26/05/2015 11:37

Whrer did you meet him?
Do you work together?
He'll be back in your arms love, don't worry, you won't lose him. But at what cost to your self esteem (which is probably very low to begin with). Fior the moment, he cannot see you as he has told his wife that it is over, he will never see you again and it was all your fault , you chased him....etc. Then when she relaxes a bit... he'll sneak a little email your way and 'Bingo' ! All back on again!
Good luck.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/05/2015 11:37

Oh give your head a wobble love. You're sad you haven't compelled him to leave his wife and son? You should be bloody delighted. He's a cheat. He'll always be a cheat. You've had a lucky escape.

Preciousbane · 26/05/2015 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Claralikessage · 26/05/2015 11:41

Hmmm....Preciousbane, you have a point. But the OP needs help and advice and slagging her off is not going to help the situation.

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:44

I helped him cheat on his wife- I need to get a grip and take responsibility- I know. What does that say about me

OP posts:
BareGorillas · 26/05/2015 11:45

What a shame he won't tell you outright it's over, he's keeping you on the back burner until the dust settles.

Why don't you go and find someone single while you're waiting for that to happen.

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 11:46

Your behaviour is despicable, selfish and desperate.

At what point did you decide it was ok to take the fate of a 7 year old boy into your hands?

The man is trying to let you down gently. He is telling you he wants to work on his marriage. Back the hell off.

You really want a man who does this to his wife, his partner.

Is that the type of character you want in your life?

Quite frankly I think you deserve each other.

If you get together the seeds of your how your relationship begin will grow and eventually ruin things anyway.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 11:47

That sounds like a terribly written missive to a second rate magazine's problem page

if this is your life, op, you need to give yourself a fucking great kick up the arse

Claralikessage · 26/05/2015 11:52

You didn't help him cheat! You are 50% responsible for this situation. It says you are sad (at best) and simply not at all, even remotely 'amazing'.You are also a walking, talking cliche!

AuntyMary · 26/05/2015 11:53

OP, go and have a read of some of the terribly sad threads on MN from mothers whose 'D'H has been found out having an affair with an OW. It is far more heartbreaking with bigger consequences for the poor DW than anything you might be feeling. You only have his word for it that his marriage is on the way out. Some men want main meals and snacks. You are just a snack, my dear, but he will tell you that you are the main meal. You aren't. He can easily give up snacking but main meals are much harder to do without. And you need to get that into your head.

Like any relationship that is ending it is painful, but you will move on and find another man, hopefully single. Now is the time for you to behave like an adult, not a spoilt child and leave him be and pick up the mess at home that he (and you) have made.

Let's hope that one day you mind a nice man to be your OH or DH and that an OW doesn't take him away from you.

TangledUpInGin · 26/05/2015 11:53

Jesus, just how self obsessed are you?? He has a wife, not to mention a child - did this slip your mind or are you just so selfish not to realise the absolute fucking carnage you have caused. I despise people like you. Angry

Noneedtoworryatall · 26/05/2015 11:55

He probably thinks your unhinged so he's afraid to tell you it's over for good because he's scared of what you'll do.

You do sound a little unhinged.

And in my opinion your the worst kind of human being there is.

Cherryapple1 · 26/05/2015 11:55

Yes - of course you should wait cos he really does love you and is only staying with his wife for the sake of the son and she doesn't understand him anyway. Hmm

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goddessofsmallthings · 26/05/2015 11:58

"Ring finger fred"? Is he by any chance related to the digitally challenged plumber who recently featured on another thread? Hmm

< waits for the knicker bodice ripping details >

Twinklestein · 26/05/2015 12:01

It's depressing for his wife that she's married for a cheat, it's depressing for you that you've got involved with one.

The way to make the right decision is to consider his son and what's best for him. If this man has any chance of making his marriage work, if there's any chance his wife can forgive him, then be the bigger person and let him go.

Chalk it up to experience and remember if he cheats with you he'll cheat on you, so you may have dodged a bullet.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 26/05/2015 12:03

You've fallen in love with a married man.
You've fallen in love with a man who lies to his wife (you know the woman he made promises to about protecting and honouring?).
You've fallen in love with a man prepared to jeopardise his son's security to have sex.
You've fallen in love with a manipulator who told you his marriage was dying but when his sex-on-the-side was exposed, giving him the perfect out he seems to want to stay in his marriage.
You've fallen in love with a man using you as an ego boost.

Are you not worth more? There are plenty of other single men who will endorse how little you think of yourself - leave this man to lie, cheat and destroy his family on his own.

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