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When is enough really enough ?!(11 Posts)
I have posted on here numerous times before all regarding my relationship.
I am really struggling to move forward. Please do not think after five months I am sitting waiting for my ex to leave OW come back it's what I wanted yes at points but I am so struggling lately just to forget about him having moved on while I'm picking up the pieces.
My children are 3 and 4 - they distract me and I adore them - we try to make each other as happy as possible and enjoy our days together. Yet on days like today, when the children are gone and I'm struggling, I just can't comprehend how somebody loses all their feelings and respect for someone and leaves for somebody else ?
He treated me poorly when he left, I didn't help matters I was devestated it hit me like a bus and I begged that man to open up and talk about why he was asking me to go - it was a few days later I found out about OW.
He couldn't the poor treatment - calling us inconveniences and putting his business first ... he denied the OW for weeks even though I'd caught her leaving my house early one morning.
I just am struggling to accept - I have tried no contact - but then I'll be called by him randomly in the week as late as 10 in the evening some days, I don't answer but it always leaves me wondering why he has called ? There's no need for it.
He even calls his mothers house if in there and asks to speak to me, there's never a reason.
We get on well now at drop offs and pick ups - we don't argue or mention the relationship - we just talk and laugh and it's all very nice. He gets upset often when he leaves the children which is a newish thing and I now feel terrible guilt I'm blaming myself for him leaving the children because I'm not the one for him and his co worker was his children are missing out.
He has said he doesn't want me back and I have accepted this.
So why won't he let me go so that I can move on ... How do I let go so I can move on and stop pitying myself ?!
It is incredibly hard when someone won't let you go. Before I had experienced this myself, I probably wouldn't have been as sympathetic but it is like a living hell.
The difficulty is that as he is the father to your children, you can't cut contact or change your numbers. And of course you still have some feelings for him which is why him not letting you go hurts so badly.
All I will say is men who behave like this are incredibly selfish. I had one who would not let me go despite treating me badly and being an appalling partner. It's like something within them wants you hanging on - like a safety net in case they need to come back. It is not fair at all. You could tell him not to contact you unless it is about the children but what I have found is that this will probably upset you and spur him on - the more you push him away, the more he'll probably try and contact you to keep you hanging. You're doing well not answering the calls - keep doing this and hopefully eventually he'll bugger off.
Be aware that he might be trying to keep you lined up in case OW doesn't work. Just start being strong now in case that happens!
It sounds as if you are softening to him. Don't do it! He's a selfish bastard and you're better off without him!
Jeez....who the hell does this guy think he is? I feel sorry for his new burd too. She's landed a right creep.
It is just if I were reading all my posts from another persons point of view I'd be telling her to move on and don't look back he's not worth it.
When I tell myself that though - It doesn't sink in - I have no anger no nothing I just feel miserable at the situation really
Of course you're low. You are the one left mourning for a relationship that was a lie. He might miss what he had, but what the liar had (cake and eat it) was not what you wanted. Don't allow him to confuse you. You are not responsible for his emotions or this situation. What you had was unfortunately a lie. He may offer you the world but he can NEVER give you the relationship you believed and trusted in. He never was that person.
You must stop putting him high on your list of priorities, your priorities now are yourself, your children and basically you finding a better life. He's an absolute arsehole who thinks he has you at his beck and call, you need to stop this and stop blaming yourself for his actions, you have done nothing wrong, get angry, stop giving him the time of day other than to talk about the kids, until you do that you will remain in limbo.
He's very manipulative, isn't he? I would suspect that he's trying to keep you on the back burner in case things don't work out with OW.
I would start to emotionally disengage now and the first way to do that is to stop responding to anything he says that isn't directly affecting the DCs.
You can set his calls to go straight to voicemail at any time when you have the DCs with you, and just switch it off when he's got them, in case of emergencies.
If he rings you at his mum's just say "Do you have a question about the DCs? No? Okay, I need to go now." and put the phone down. (I suspect a large part of the motivation for this is "Oh mum, see what a caring ex I am!")
Keep drop offs and pick ups short and un-sweet. "I'm meeting someone/off to work/have an appointment - see you later." (And if he says "Where/who with?" start practising "That's none of your business." Because it's not.)
BTW, prepare for him to turn nasty when/if you start dating. Hypocrisy is a major factor with turds like these.
just switch it off I mean switch off that feature when he's got the DCs. You need to leave your phone on, I guess.
I have been ignoring his calls it just bothers me that they are all at times the children are at school - or asleep etc there is no reason to call me at 10 at night. ( when we first split my little girl spent the whole night crying and wanted to speak to him at 9 o clock one evening and he said I was mental for calling).
I'm damned if I ignore him I'm damned if I indulge him ...
I think he calls his mothers because he knows I'll have to answer - I'm not sure he cares what his mum thinks as he refuses to talk to her about the situation and burys his head in the sand - in fact he refuses to talk to anyone other than the OW.
I have asked him to talk to someone, I wish he would then maybe he wouldn't be so upset at drop offs etc and then I wouldn't feel guilty - he just shouts at me and says I don't want you back blah blah ! But it's not about that - it's about him getting into a frame of mind that's not damaging me or himself.
He is very selfish person if he allowed your little girl to feel so emotional and ruin children's life.
Sad, but be strong and keep moving forward.
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