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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

social services tore my family apart

164 replies

kimboz2627 · 24/05/2015 11:39

I have been with my (ex)partner 5 and a half years we've had ups and downs like everyone.
I've suffered depression and anxiety I went through ALOT as a child and I suppose I push people to the edge to see if they love me in my eyes (hitting) I have alot of issues and accept I need counselling and help with my anger myself I'm not perfect.
I'm not taking full responsibility for his actions there's no excuse to hurt a woman either.
there have been times I've called the police just to get him out and have a break to gather my own thoughts and feelings,obviously DV flags up and social services get involved they have been on and off since I had my Daughter in 2011,now they said that basically if I don't comply with their rules they will take the children away.
My anxiety has come back full throttle so of course I told him to get his own place.
social service made and I literally mean MADE me get a ex parte non molestation order and a prohibited steps order(he took them in January without my consent) but realised after a week it's not easy being a single parent and soon bought them back.
Social services are basically keeping us apart now and telling him one thing and me another.I stay in regular contact with the nursery my daughter goes to and health visitor and always tell the truth about what's going on at home to which they both say my children are fine and not showing any signs of anything being wrong.
I don't understand how social services can tear my family apart and the just 'close the case' but say if we ever resume a relationship the children will go to child protection straight away without even so much as an assessment??
I feel let down by the courts and social services I'm just an anxious mum who listens to anyone and does as she's told literally by any authority.
The social worker even told me to 'act scared and cry if I can' so I get the orders I was scared of her and being in a courtroom for the first time so obviously that showed.
I think we can work on our relationship living separately and only when we are happy and comfortable resume it properly including moving back to the family home or start a fresh somewhere.
I'm in a state of panic and really do not know what to do my sister is the go between right now and he's willing to do what it takes and so am I.
Our children are happy healthy and have everything they could ever need/want in life we both care and love them deeply but I do not like being dictated to by SS they say about control and DV and that's what they are doing to me surely it's abusive behaviour as THEY say.
I would never let my children get hurt or anything but they say even when they are asleep they hear blah blah blah,surely every couple argues and yes it's gone beyond that but we want help to keep our family not drive a wedge I just feel like a statistic right now and not a woman who just wants her family together.
I accept it's going to be a long road and we both have to be willing I think we are so what can I do any adviadvice??
I will be ringing my solicitor and the social workers supervisor asap to clarify the situation my sister has a child and life of her own he doesn't pose a risk to the children every report says we are good parents we just have the times of hardship and need support that they don't give!!
The only thing they have to go on is me calling the police and him taking them in January he's been charged twice (pleaded guilty) any other incident which is 2 maybe 3 more got NFA!!
They twisted my words and I'm guilty of not reading just signing things making the situation worse they say things I never even said trying to catch us out.
Any advice will be appreciated thanks so much for reading.

OP posts:
YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 24/05/2015 11:41

I'm sorry but if there is domestic violence then you absolutely should not be together.

notnownoonoo · 24/05/2015 11:45

just to clarify which one of you is violent or is it both?

I would never let my children get hurt or anything but they say even when they are asleep they hear blah blah blah,

please don't minimise the effects of dv on children, asleep or not.

Llareggub · 24/05/2015 11:45

I'm afraid I agree.

Elllimam · 24/05/2015 11:46

Social services didn't rip your family apart. Your violent partner ripped your family apart.

Flisspaps · 24/05/2015 11:47

It seems to me that Social Services are making provision to keep your children safe from this man as you can not.

Normal arguments in a relationship do not involve police or violence.

kittybiscuits · 24/05/2015 11:49

You are being dictated to be SS exactly because you have been unable to protect your children from this violent and destructive relationship. Have you considered that you might also be pushing this situation to the limit? Ultimately, you risk losing your children over this. You are minimising a lot.

stargirl1701 · 24/05/2015 11:50

You need to do The Freedom Progamme. I'm afraid I agree completely with social services here.

Cherryapple1 · 24/05/2015 11:50

I agree with SS - why should your children live in a violent household. Do you see how damaging to them that is?

stargirl1701 · 24/05/2015 11:50
kimboz2627 · 24/05/2015 11:51

Can I just say this is my life choice please do not judge me I am anxious enough as it is it's hard to let go a few weeks ago I had a home a family we had our ups and downs but were seeking help and support and now social services have put a stop I put our names on a relationship counselling list but now because of the non molestation order we cannot attend.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 24/05/2015 11:52

Social services act on behalf of the children. if there is violence then that is not a healthy environment for them, as they grow up to think that abuse is normal, and carry on the have abusive relationships themselves.

It seems that your own upbringing has caused alot of the problems which you are facing now - hence proof that a dysfunctional family leads to not recognising what a healthy relationship looks like.

Use social services to access help, to get some counselling and to get to the bottom of whatever problems you are carrying through to your adult relationships - but dont see it as a box which needs ticking in order to get back with your partner. When there is violence and abuse it often takes many years of hard inward looking work in order to rebuild the damge that was done to you, and also to your partner, who no doubt carries his own demons and attitudes which allow him to be violent.

The children's safety and future wellbeing is paramount now, it is all about them, and you need to do as SS says and put them first, so that they dont follow you into adulthood with the same future mapped out for themselves. Social services dont want to take children away from their parents, they dont have the resources and will do all they can to hold families together if the family is merely going through a tough patch. But if it is serious enough for them to say that they will remove them if you choose him over the children (because there is no 'and' here - it is the children or the man) then may I suggest that your understanding of what is 'normal' is way out of kilter.

Dinopawstomp · 24/05/2015 11:52

I'm sorry for the hard time you had in your childhood, but right now this isnt about you or your partner. You need to put the children first, they should be your No 1 priority, not making a dysfunctional relationship work. Being a victim of DV is a dysfunctional relationship no matter how you dress it up. It sounds like you shouldn't be in a relationship either, you need to work on your own issues and self esteem. Please don't kid yourself the kids know what's going on, sounds like they've had a lot of upheaval in their lives. They need to be the main priority right now.

NerrSnerr · 24/05/2015 11:54

There was no physical violence between my parents but it was still horrific hearing them arguing when they thought I was asleep. I household where there is physical violence is not an environment for children. Not ever.

I'm assuming there was a time when you thought he would never ever attack you and he has. Can you 100% say he will nerve physically attack your children?

HermioneWeasley · 24/05/2015 11:55

Sorry OP, but it's the job of SS to keep kids safe, or at least stop them getting too damaged. You don't seem to be willing or able to put them first at present.

DV is not just "ups and downs". You are completely minimising.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 24/05/2015 11:55

Unfortunately this 'life choice' is not in the best interests of your children, and it is them who social services are trying to protect. This is not a judgement.
It sounds like the domestic violence has gone both ways. Whatever you think, your children will be affected by this.
DH and I argue occasionally as part of a normal relationship. Usually about things like whose turn it is to put the bin out. It lasts about 20 seconds. No police needing to be called, no social services. Domestic violence is NOT part of a normal, adult relationship.
You say they're telling you one thing and telling him another. How do you know this if you are no contact?

FarelyKnuts · 24/05/2015 11:55

Being "compliant" and doing what you think SS is telling you to do while having no insight into the effect of DV on yourself or your children is worrying from a child protection point of view.
They are acting in a protective manner because you lack this insight.
They are not "ripping" your family apart.
They are asking you to stop exposing children to the harmful effects of violence.

kittybiscuits · 24/05/2015 11:57

Trying not to judge kimbo . You face a choice between your children and you partner. There is no option where you have both. The work you need to do is on yourself and not on healing your destructive relationship. If you can accept the loss of your relationship, you can start to look at why you might have been in it, and there are probably good reasons why you were drawn to it. At the moment, you are trying to barter and negotiate - the option you seek is not on the table though and so it's very risky.

RJnomore · 24/05/2015 11:57

Is is a life choice you can not take. It's not about you. It's about your children and keeping them as safe as possible. You need to pull your head out of your arse and start putting them first.

And if you can't do that then they should be elsewhere, sorry I know it's harsh but there's nothing in your posts to suggest your children even figure in your thought process it's all about you and how bad you are feeling and your relationship with your partner. There's a complete lack of self awareness in it and it's pretty depressing reading.

I know this sounds hard but you need to see how you are coming across to others.

Flisspaps · 24/05/2015 11:58

Counselling or Freedom Programme for you is a good idea.

Joint relationship counselling is NOT advised for abusive/violent relationships.

If you choose to be with someone abusive despite Social Services preparing to remove your children from your care, then you make a pretty big statement about the importance of your children to you.

I get that it's hard to break the cycle of abuse. I get that it's really bloody scary to walk away and that you might still love him. But you need to listen to Social Services. Your children are at risk if you go back to trying to play happy families with this man.

MetallicBeige · 24/05/2015 11:59

It's emotional abuse to your children, I'm sorry if that is harsh but that is the category it falls into. The effects of it are serious and long lasting, even witnessing domestic abuse, the police coming to the home, it's all very harmful to developing children.
Agree with pp you need to do the Freedom Programme, by wanting to reinstate your relationship, and the previous nature of it you will be seen as not providing a protective factor for the children, hence social services being quite clear on what will happen if you pick up where you left off.
You need to work with them, focus on yourself and your children for a while, access any multiagency support, the hv will be able to signpost /refer you.

Quitelikely · 24/05/2015 12:00

There is no way SS are ever, ever going to allow you to have a relationship with that man whilst you are responsible for your children.

Relationships where DV occurs are not just limited to the odd punch here and there. There is always other abuse going on. Emotional abuse, name calling, control issues etc.

Your children witness this and they then suffer the effects (as you have done) when they are an adult of this inappropriate parenting.

I can understand your regret at the relationship being over but believe me if they get wind that you are in touch via your sister you will be demonstrating that you aren't taking this seriously.

It is clear that you still DO NOT understand what they are trying to achieve.

They are trying to stop your children repeating your and your partners habits when they are older. They are trying to break the cycle. If they don't your children will be another statistic on the SS register when they have children of their own.

Society relies upon us as mothers to get rid of an abuser in the home. When we cannot do it the authorities step in.

kimboz2627 · 24/05/2015 12:02

I came here for support many families go through this and I do put my children first hence taking the steps to ensure all our safety.
I think it's sick to even suggest he'd ever hurt the children where is you reasoning behind that.
Seriously people need to realise the world isn't so black and white.
I understand we both have issues separately and won't be thinking about resuming any kind of relationship with him until 1.the orders are up and 2.we both seeked helped for our separate issues but people CAN change or are we all destined to be miserable sods forever.
I'm not having any contact right now but don't appreciate being dictated to.
I'm not saying in a year after I've done courses I will either want him and vice versa but I am expressing my anxiety about social services.

OP posts:
enderwoman · 24/05/2015 12:04

The thing about DV is that you can't see things clearly because your standards often end up badly skewed. SS will be able to see clearer than you and it sounds like they are helping rather than tearing your family apart.

I would use this opportunity to focus on yourself and the children and for him to do the same. Sometimes people can be good parents separately but rubbish when together. Being a single parent is hard but it's much better than living an unpredictable life with DV.

NettleTea · 24/05/2015 12:04

Your anxiety probably stems from the bad childhood you had. Your issues with trust and abandonment come from there. You need to sort that out and heal yourself before you are able to have any kind of adult relationship, otherwise you risk being vulnerable to abuse. At the moment you see it as SS ripping your family apart, you view yourself and your partner as a team. But if there is ANY violence (from any side) it demonstrates how out of kilter the reactions and emotions are within that partnership. It is not a partnership. It is 2 damaged people battling together to deal with emotions that their respective upbringings havent given them the emotional maturity to be able to handle. Thats not either of your's fault, per se, but once it gets to the point of violence, and there are children involved, you need to stop the roundabout and sort things out, to stop the cycle repeating.

Get counselling ALONE. No reputatable counsellor will see you as a couple anyway, not when there is violence. Get yourself on a parenting course. You have no blueprint of how to be a parent - again, that is not a criticism, but putting the blame on your own parents. Get help to build your self esteem and you wont be scared and anxious. And when that is done you will be able to recognise the difference between a healthy or destructively co-dependant relationship.

Even IF your partner was willing to put the same months/years into therapy it is unlikely that it would work, because you would find it easy to drop back into the same dynamics as before. And it sounds as if he is the one who held the power, was the dominant one. That is quite a hard thing to shake off - you have alot to gain by getting stronger as the weaker one in the relationship. This is why perpetrators courses rarely work. Abusers dont like to give up the power. Its easier to move on and find someone else to dominate.

kimboz2627 · 24/05/2015 12:08

I have been ok'd to go through my sister as that's where he's having supervised contact.

OP posts:
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