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Thriving after divorce or end of EA relationship? Please share.

(61 Posts)
magazinewhore Sat 23-May-15 19:12:57

Hello, I'm new to MN, but I've been lurking for a while. I'm considering leaving a six-year-old EA marriage (no kids, Thank God.). Used to think DH was a decent guy with anger issues. Now I'm realizing that's still abuse. He thinks he's depressed due to so much work but does nothing to address his stress or moods.

Anyway, I'm interested in hearing stories of women who have left EA relationships and are now thriving. Thanks!

newnamesamegame Sat 23-May-15 19:19:53

Hi, I'm about a month out of an EA marriage with a four year old DD. I think its a bit early to say I'm thriving because I still feel wobbly at times, am adjusting to life as a lone parent and also its still early days and I may have issues which have yet to present themselves.

But by god do I feel better about things....

Just to take the most obvious examples:

After having agonised for 18 months about whether to "break up the family" I now know the family is infinitely stronger for not having an abusive person involved in it.

My daughter is happier, accepts the new status quo, and has stopped having tantrums.

I feel far more confident in my job.

My social life has improved.

I feel more physically attractive than I did 10 years ago.

I am doing a better job of managing my household and life, even on my own and with less money, than I did with a spoiled and petulant man-child lying around on the sofa and criticizing my domestic skills.

The almost permanent breathlessness I suffered from -- which my doctor had been testing me for -- has vanished overnight.

Its really scary. It may take you a while to decide to do it. And you may have a few tricky weeks while its happening. But I guarantee you you will feel better when you've done it.

willthiseverbloodystop Sat 23-May-15 20:52:15

I ' m 4.5 months out, the last few weeks I have realised how brilliant I am suddenly feeling. So is dd. I also had the breathlessness issue, and heart racing. Stopped the minute he moved out . I struggled for years to leave but it's been so fine, even though it brought down a cascade of shit initially. But just waking up with no fear of what abuse was heading my way, just having a cup,of tea in the morning or a drink in the evening, and feeling AT PEACE.

And I feel so empowered. I said no to a bully. I can do anything now .

willthiseverbloodystop Sat 23-May-15 20:54:11

My parenting has improved immeasurably also. I get my dd so much more, we re so close. I think it's because I am no longer stressed and anxious. That bit has really surprised me, as I stayed for her, but we are so much better out of it- she is tons happier.

mrsdavidbowie Sat 23-May-15 20:57:37

I have been divorced 2 months after realising last year I couldn't stand it any more.
Years of being afraid of voicing an opinion, walking on eggshells., comments about my weight....
I wake up every morning thanki g god there is no one else in my bed.
Kids fi e.
I feel a new person..everyone says how good I look and how happy I am.

Atenco Sat 23-May-15 20:58:21

I still remember when I broke up with my ex thirty odd years ago. After humming and hawing for a long time when it finally happened I was walking on air for at least a week. Best thing I ever did.

pastmyduedate0208 Sat 23-May-15 21:34:20

Together 4 years, left 3 years ago.
He had full on NPD, was verbally abusive.
His words still ring in my ears! Good riddance. My future looks great and my days are filled with simple joys.

Leafitout Sat 23-May-15 21:44:42

Recovering and healing realising that I will never ever again be abused by shitty men who take pleasure in projecting their own insecurities onto me making my life a misery. I'm happy on my own and on my terms. Never again to be controlled, manipulated, shouted at, put down, slagged off, physically, emotionally abused. That's done it's over I am now me. Take that step and don't look back magazine

CluckingBelle Sat 23-May-15 22:15:42

It's wonderful. I can take as long as I like without being questioned. I'm not being constantly criticised. My parenting is consistent and so much better for my children. I can relax in my own home and make decisions for me and the children instead of him first every single time. I can relax in my own home, watch what I like and eat what I choose to. I no longer walk on eggshells.

So many things. I love it that my life is now my own.

redmapleleaves Sat 23-May-15 22:23:35

Divorced 6 months after 18 year EA relationship. Things are in my control, its not always easy but I can live with my choices. Life is so much easier without a manchild projecting, shouting and expecting to be pandered to.

I realised last week I'm creating my own habitat now after years of being stuck in the wrong environment. I'm so grateful for little things and thriving. I think I'm parenting more calmly and living my own life too, rather than being run ragged by teh demands on me. And ironically the children now have a better relationship wiht my ex, who reallised after 18 months apart that he had to step up if he wanted to be a proper part of their lives. He didn't realise that while I was an intermediary.

Good luck.

magazinewhore Sat 23-May-15 23:36:10

Thank you so much! I'm so happy for all of you and thrilled by your notes.

It's the peace that I want. I want a little serene place that's a refuge from the world (with my pets) that I can decorate however I want and I never have to put up with loud sports blaring at me when I need to work and, most importantly, no judgment!

Thanks again. It's very heartening to hear.

What's stopping me is finances and fear and guilt. It's taken me a couple years to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to be on my own at 45 (DH is an attorney) and very poor again. I'm scared of being a bag lady like the neighbor lady who lived next to me a decade a ago and died and no one found out until the smell got bad. I come from a working class background and so all I ever wanted was security and the ability to be able to buy something in a store if I wanted it (I don't even mean super posh stores).

I don't know how I'm going to do it and extricate myself what I feel is my responsibility for his feelings (which I know I'm not, but he's deeply PA and I'm codependent). But this helps.

CharlotteCollins Sat 23-May-15 23:52:39

When I left STBXH, some of the best things were:

- being in charge of my own money: although rent/mortgages/loans/applying for benefits scared me, being able to make my own decisions about whether to buy little things or not buy them was wonderful

- having the bed to myself

- not hearing constant criticism

- having more time and energy to spend with people who liked me and whom I liked

Pinkandpurplehairedlady Sun 24-May-15 00:05:08

8 months out and have the occasional wobble but I am so much happier. I don't have to change who I am based on someone moods and can be me again.

The house is calmer, the kids are happier toosmile

mathanxiety Sun 24-May-15 03:53:45

You have no children and you will be able to make a clean break. He will have no opportunity to use visitation or custody issues to play with your mind.

Even though I have children and there have been continuous issues, with exH taking me to court several times for ridiculous reasons (no skin off his nose as he is a lawyer), it is so nice not to have to play 'guess what mood I'm in' any more or hear the constant criticism or try to guess what would be criticised next.

mrsdavidbowie Sun 24-May-15 07:32:51

Yes to the calmness and better parenting.

sakura Sun 24-May-15 08:11:56

I had the breathlessness too. It's gone now I've left. I'm almost five months out. I do pine for the lifestyle I had, but that's just because my circumstances were quite unique in that I had to leave the town I was living in and therefore my friends.
Even so, thanks to benefits I have a wonderful place, a new job!. I received a decorating grant from the council so did indeed decorate the place to my tastes.
I do feel a sense of calm and peace.

AccordingtoMe Sun 24-May-15 08:30:08

Three months out and in my own little place where I feel the most peaceful and content I have in a long long time. So many benefits, not one single regret. The only looking back I am doing now is with great sadness and regret that I stayed as long as I did. Good luck to you OP smile

AccordingtoMe Sun 24-May-15 08:33:51

*not one single regret about leaving

yougotafriend Sun 24-May-15 08:56:37

I left in November so just over 6 months. I love that when I'm happy, I'm happy. When I'm sad, I'm sad. My mood is my mood and no longer governed by his mood.... It's tough to realise that you have not been in control of your own emotions for so long. And I'm skint too.... I do have to think about what I spend money on, which is hard as I have an amazing social life no and hate turning down invitations!!

Snoozybird Sun 24-May-15 09:11:29

I was with my abusive exH for 17 years. No kids but the main thing that kept me there for longer than I wanted was finances. I thought to myself I've spent my whole adult life in this relationship so I refuse to cut off my nose to spite my face and end up penniless in a bedsit somewhere, yes I'll be free of him but surely I'll just be swapping one unhappiness for another. And he's not that bad, I mean it's not like he hits me.

I finally left him five years ago when I got so depressed that, stopping short of taking my own life, I had got past the point of caring what happened to me.

10 months later I met my now DH and for the first time in my life I finally know what a properly loving, caring, respectful, functional relationship looks like.

Please don't let misplaced fear or guilt hold you back, the world is a nice place when you're with nice people.

damnstatistics Sun 24-May-15 11:59:06

What a lovely hopeful thread.

TopOfTheCliff Sun 24-May-15 14:06:23

Do it OP! You won't look back.
I left after 27 years together. For a while I was in shock randomly buying things he hated like cheap ham and instant coffee just because I could! It took a while to stabilise and work out my own preferences.
I am poorer and have lost out on material things but my life is full of love and laughter and tolerance. That makes it all worth while!

TulipBluebell Sun 24-May-15 14:20:52

4year EA relationship pre-kids.

The big things are better: good career (having been told I was too stupid or would mess up any previous interview)

The small things are better: I'm allowed to buy cheese and chop food (don't ask!!)

Twodogsandahooch Sun 24-May-15 14:25:32

I'm place marking on this thread as I am coming to terms with the fact that my relationship does not have a future. I'm fed up with the constant sniping and criticism.

I know I need to leave but for practical and financial reasons it would be much better if I could hang on for another 6-8 months.

mrsdavidbowie Sun 24-May-15 18:38:09

I am currently drinking champagne in a bar, having spent lovely afternoon with new man who is very unexpected and totally delicious. grin

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