Talk me out of sending this text, please

[Unffordd]

OK, brief scene setting. Married to 'D'H for ages until he divorced me four years ago for refusing to relocate any more in selfish pursuit of his brilliant career. DD then in Y7. He quickly found another woman, moved in with her, and is a father to her teenage son. XH has seen DD precisely twice in the last year despite my being keen for them to maintain a good relationship. He never rings / Skypes / texts her etc and doesn't live nearby.

DD has just finished two weeks of GCSEs with approximately ten days more to go when she gets back after half term. I really, really want to text XH with DD (remember her?) has just finished two weeks of GCSEs. If you're interested. I know that all I'd be doing if I sent this would be to let him know how much he's hurt me by his attitude to her, but I'm still extremely tempted. Please, wise Mumsnetters, talk me out of it!

[Allgunsblazing]

Nah. Take DD out for a cake/meal/shopping trip instead.
Good luck

[TheOriginalWinkly]

Leave it. He might decide to get in touch with your DD, which will be headfuckery she doesn't need in the middle of her exams. I can see why you would want to though.

[Unffordd]

Yes. Allguns you're right. I've actually been trying to pretend he's dead the last couple of months, so contacting him would be a backward step.

[mineofuselessinformation]

Has dd been saying she wants him to contact her? If not, let sleeping dogs lie - you may well set into a motion a whole load of stress that dd doesn't need right now.
I do understand why you feel angry that dd's father isn't supporting her through her exams.

[tribpot]

It won't achieve anything. You'll feel worse after you send it. He isn't interested, that much is obvious.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

Is she asking for his attention? Stirring things up in the middle of her exams might be counter-productive.

[bjrce]

Don't do it right now, NEVER send a text in anger, you will only annoy yourself.

He very obviously doesn't give a shit. Don't upset yourself. He will do one of two things.
Ignore you or he could easily text you back something hurtful and you will only feel worse.
Seriously its not worth it. Your daughter isn't a fool.

[DragonsCanHop]

Does DD want him to contact her right in the middle of her exams? I bet not

[Unffordd]

Winkly that in itself is enough to make me not do it. He exactly the kind of shit idiot who would headfuck her in the middle of exams.

And Pivot I endured years of PA abuse from him, so the last thing I want it to start behaving that way myself. Thanks for pointing that out - it would be PA.

[Cherryapple1]

please don't send it If he does upset her during exams it can cause all sorts of trouble - he isn't worth it either. I have been where you are - radio silence is much better than him swanning in and out every year or 2 and causing so much upset.

[DelphiniumBlue]

If you really feel you have to contact him, wait till the exams are over. The last thing your dd needs now is the conflicted emotions she would no doubt haveif he were to call, in the middle of her exams.

[Lolimax]

My ex doesn't see my 2 (17 and 18) anymore and doesn't ask to see them. It breaks my heart and I've got to the point of texting many times but have talked myself out of it. His loss but I can't believe what he's missing!

[Unffordd]

OMG, I'm on the 'most active' thing in the top right! Thank you so much to all you lovely people; I knew it was a bad idea and you are helping me to clarify the reasons why

[Cherryapple1]

I have done the texting and asking to step up and be a father - all to no avail. It is utterly heartbreaking I know. At the end of the day it is his loss and his alone.

[Unffordd]

Just knowing that other women have experienced this helps enormously. I'll never understand how a man can walk away from his child in this way, but reading the boards makes me realise it's sadly all too common

[Cherryapple1]

I must admit I still sometimes feel such blooming fury about it. I never understand it either. How could they just walk away without a backward glance. And it isn't the happy times I want to share - I want him to be around when the teen is being stroppy, when the driving test has failed, when the BF has dumped her, when everything seems to have gone wrong and the dc want some back up. I get sick of shouldering it alone - but you know what, as time goes on - I just do it. I rant to friends sometimes, but the anger soon passes. It is so bloody unfair - but you know what, when those gcse results come in - you will be the proud one - and it will all be down to you, not him.

And on Mother's Day when you get that card thanking you for being both parents - you will know it has been worth every moment.

[Unffordd]

Oh Cherry, that was a lovely post. It brought I tear to my eye. One of the things I will never understand is how XH can be the father to a stranger's child whilst ignoring his own.

DD did once tell me, in a moment of uncharacteristic confiding, that she intends to achieve absolutely bloody marvellous A level results, get into medical school, then lay that information at her father's feet and say, "Guess what? None of this is anything to do with you."

[Cherryapple1]

Bless you - sorry I made you cry.

Your DD sounds utterly fabulous - what a credit to you, and you alone.

One of mine is heading for a law degree - I am prouder than a proud thing. And none of it is thanks to him. The devoted father still doesn't even know her GCSE results. And the reason law has been chosen was due to fabulous legal advice I had during the split, where he showed his true colours in utter technicolour.

[cruikshank]

I do wonder about these men (there is one in my life - or rather, not, I guess - as well) and how their mental processes work. I mean, how on earth do they sleep at night, knowing that their children, their own flesh and blood, are there, apart from them, living, thinking, experiencing and not sharing their lives. Knowing that all they have to do is pick up the phone or get in the car - just be a bloody parent. And yet they don't do it. How do they feel when they wake up in the morning, away from their children, knowing that the fact they are not with them is their own doing? I honestly cannot get my head around it.

However. I wouldn't send that text. Your dd has enough on her plate without a press-ganged guilt-tripped appearance from unwilling father. I know it's hard - Jesus, I have a fucking permanent groove in my tongue from all the biting it's had over the years. But without him she's only got you to act in her interests, and so you have to keep on doing that, and being the best person you can, and the best mother you can. And then enjoy your pride in her and what you have both achieved when she gets those results.

[Justusemyname]

Leave it. You'll be hurt and it won't achieve anything. Send it to yourself , a mate, a mumsnetter if you need to feel like it's out of your system.

[HellKitty]

XH totally forgot one of my (our) DCs birthday one year and then sent a 'Happy 15th!' card to my eldest on his birthday. He'd turned 16.

They know he's a fuckwit, all this does is add to his fuckwittedness.

Take her out for a girly day and keep stressing how amazing SHE is.

[Unffordd]

Just thought I'd have a last look at the thread before heading off to bed - what a wild life I lead

cruikshank you have articulated exactly what I feel about my XH. How does he live with himself every day, knowing that he has a daughter walking the earth that he hasn't seen for almost ten months? Not knowing that she's had her ear cartilage pierced, that she's as tall as me now, that she grew out of Jack Wills clothing a couple of years ago? I suppose the fact that I can't in any way grasp this just proves how normal I am - despite his conviction that I'm a crazy psycho bitch - and how fucked up he is.

Goodnight all, and thanks again.