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Feeling lonely but not wanting a relationship

(51 Posts)
fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 12:21:59

I wondered if anyone could empathise. I have no real interest in having a relationship now or probably ever.

Just the same I do find myself feeling lonely and in particular wanting a strong emotional connection with someone. In other words I want sex but I don't want a ONS or similar - I want to feel loved and as if I love someone else.

A rather confused post but is anyone the same?

ProfessorPickles Sat 23-May-15 12:28:15

I could have written this OP, I've just got out of a relationship a couple of months ago and I'm feeling incredibly lonely! I would love some good sex but like you say not just a ONS something a bit more.
I'm not sure what the answer is really! confused

Gina111 Sat 23-May-15 12:29:34

I admit to be being a little confused. What is your definition of a relationship? And which parts do you not want?

TheDetective Sat 23-May-15 12:31:56

Yes. I understand.

A relationship without commitment?

I don't ever want to tangle my life with someone else's. But I'd like to have someone to share fun and sex with.

I think. Maybe I wouldnt!

fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 12:32:13

So glad it's not just me Professor smile

Gina, I don't want a relationship because of the DCs - i do miss feeling emotionally close with someone though.

fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 12:32:45

I guess that's it Detective! grin

Someone I fancy the arse off but could never live with ...!

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 23-May-15 12:39:57

Get a dog.

Muddlewitch Sat 23-May-15 12:41:19

I feel exactly the same OP. I would like someone to be 'close' to but ONS not my thing.

I really fiercely value my independence and my DC are my priority and don't want anything to compromise that so don't want to live with anyone for the foreseeable future. Don't know what the answer is though, sorry!

fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 12:44:51

Really? A dog to have sex with? confused To feel emotionally close to, connect with? confused

Honestly, I didn't want clever quips.

Thanks also for understanding Muddle. There probably isn't an answer but it helps knowing I'm not alone in feeling like this! So many people seem to see being single as a sort of awful thing that must be rectified and I know I don't want another relationship but the thought of never having sex again is strange!

VoyageOfDad Sat 23-May-15 12:48:38

I can empathise , but if you want to love someone and feel loved by that person, and have sex with them , well that's the definition of a relationship isn't it ?

I'm blissfully single. I did for a while have a lovely FWB . Mutual respect, mutual interests , mutual attraction . Separate lives. Worked very well.

I think that's the closest you'd get OP.

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 23-May-15 12:49:25

Sorry, I didn't see the sex bit.

Not sure what sex has to do with being lonely anyway, you can have sex and be lonely and not have sex and not be lonely.

If you feel lonely get a dog. It will keep you company and you might meet someone.

fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 12:53:57

I do have a dog.

I'm honestly baffled here Ottila - I can't talk to a dog. I can't share memories with a dog. I can't ask a dog to hold me close when I'm upset or think to myself 'must tell my dog about this.'

Thanks to those who understood.

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 23-May-15 12:57:26

Hold on, so you want sex, you want sharing memories and someone to hold close how is that not a realtionship?

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 23-May-15 13:01:46

If you want someone to talk with, share memories, hold you close when you are upset, listen about your day and have sex with, that's kind of a relationship! You don't necessarily have to live together or entwine your lives immediately, but you might find someone else in a similar position and see how it goes.

fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 13:02:52

What I'm trying to express is that I am not in a position at the moment or ever really to explore the possibility of having a relationship.

That doesn't mean I don't feel lonely.

holdonaminute Sat 23-May-15 13:06:13

I would like a strong emotional connection/ relationship with someone but I know that at the moment I am emotionally unavailable so can't have one - if that makes sense!

The point I'm trying to make is that if asked I tell people I don't want a relationship because it's easier.

And yes I feel lonely despite having 2 dogs who adore me!

holdonaminute Sat 23-May-15 13:09:40

Five acres - can you say why you can't consider a relationship?

fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 13:10:52

It makes total sense holdonaminute - thanks smile

I won't consider a relationship because of the children.

Andrise Sat 23-May-15 13:23:16

I think a lot of us feel like this OP. I don't want another relationship either in the sense that I don't want someone living with me, or feeling obliged to give them time and attention or sex when I don't want to or being expected to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. I value my "me time" immensely. I have 3 children, one with SN. Bringing someone else into that life is an absolute no no.

Would I like someone who I could go out on occasional dates with, have sex with and chat to when I am on my own in the evenings? - yes. But I'm not a casual person so it would have to be some sort of regular boyfriend who I fancied and since in real life blokes can't be picked up and put down at my convenience and most of the ones at my advanced age have suitcases full of baggage, I think being alone is preferable.

I have several fantastic women friends who have come to the same conclusion.

Summertimeplease Sat 23-May-15 13:23:53

I know what you mean op.

I really miss the intimacy of a relationship but I am full-time carer for my dc and can't see how I could meet someone and start going out with them in the conventional way. It's hard.

AloneSoon Sat 23-May-15 13:24:04

I have a FWB that gives me what want - someone to be close to, to tell about my day, fun dates and amazing sex.

We are not tied to each other though. Because we don't want to entangle our lives - I don't want my children meeting him and have no interest in meeting his.

The 'relationship' is about us and having someone to talk to and go out with - we don't need to involve anyone else.

I think that's what you're looking for. The way I've got there is a FWB that's not going to go anywhere but is lovely while it lasts.

Handywoman Sat 23-May-15 13:26:35

Hello fiveacres

I'm separated and have kids and am in a lovely relationship with a brilliant man.

But combining the two creates a fair bit of anxiety in me, if I'm honest. There's no chance of cohabiting in the near future, which he understands.

He's gone away this weekend with his family, I declined on the basis that it isn't right for my dc. But I fe torn.

Don't know what the answer is confused

Handywoman Sat 23-May-15 13:28:37

* feel torn.

Think Andrise hits the nail on the head.

PoppyField Sat 23-May-15 13:30:35

I can understand a bit fiveacres. I've come out of a shitty marriage and I feel reasonably cynical about trusting someone, and I don't want anyone else living with my children and trying to parent them with me.

However, I think I would quite like an old fashioned boyfriend. Someone with whom I could go out for dinner, have a laugh, have lots of sex and look forward to treats when I wasn't with the children. That's all. It would be nice to feel admired and appreciated by a sane, considerate adult.

Haven't got any answers as to how to find a person like this though.

fiveacres Sat 23-May-15 13:34:58

I think Andrise hit the nail on the head for me, especially the line about not being able to pick up and dispose of people at our convenience describes conflict perfectly! Thank you to those who understood!

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