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Relationships

I have utter rage with stbxh...

25 replies

weedinthepool · 23/05/2015 10:40

and it's making me into a person I don't want to be.

I, at this moment in time, just feel utter utter contempt for him.

He has let me down so comprehensively this past month that I am starting to feel consumed by bitterness and anger. To put it into context this are some of the actions he has done, please can someone read through them and tell me if I am over reacting or if this would be a normal human response to this behaviour. I feel like I'm going to explode Sad

  1. I had to do a police video interview 2 weeks ago about being raped as an 11 year old by my cousin. He promised to look after our 3 year old DD, take the day off work, get the dc's tea, help me get them dressed that morning Etc. Just be there to parent because I'd be a mess. 4 days before he turned round and refused as he was going out on the lash the night before and would be too hungover to look after the kids. I had to scramble last minute childcare.


  1. He phoned me at 1am the night before my interview, smashed out if his head, demanding that I get the 3dc's out of bed and drive 65 miles and collect him and take him home as he didn't have any money. I refused and he screamed I was a fucking cunt who deserved everything shit that had happened to me.


  1. I had booked a 3 day break abroad in Spain next week, he is making me come back a day early, pay £160 extra to change my flight so he can go for a bike ride. When I said this wasn't fair he said tough shit.


  1. He was paying the childcare bill (about £80 a month) instead of any maintenance for the kids. He won't pay it now. Because he is paying 'my half of the mortgage' on a huge house that he won't sell. A house that I hate and was forced into buying anyway.


  1. He is putting a huge amount of guilt and pressure on me to apply for a new mortgage on above house so his monthly payment decreases. When I refused he said I was selfish and not putting the dc's needs first. They stay there 2 nights a week max. He rattles round it his own.


So I am furious about all if the above as well as the 10 years of utter torture he put me through when I was with him. Am I being ridiculous and dramatic? Why am I so angry? I'm a really laid back person by nature but I'm turning into a snappy, irritable, shout mother and I HATE myself for it. Help.
OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 23/05/2015 10:44

You are not being ridiculous or dramatic. He is a bully and he is controlling you.

Do you have a solicitor?

Do not let him force you in to any financial agreements. Seek legal advice asap.

3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 10:45

You poor thing. He sounds absolutely dreadful.
You are definitely not being ridiculous and dramatic.

You need proper legal advice and support.
Have you contacted womens aid?

woowoo22 · 23/05/2015 10:47

Any one of those things is bloody awful.

What is in place, legally, to deal with the finances and the kids contacts?

There's no way he should have so much involvement in your life.

Am so sorry you've been through such awful times.

Duckdeamon · 23/05/2015 10:48

Hi. Am very sorry about what happened to you when you were young, very brave of you to be interviewed.

Your ex sounds like a total loser. It's very good that he's your ex but he still seems to be seeking to abuse you. Suggest seeking to separate financially and in terms of the house and arrangements for the DC.

CSA for maintenance. Legal advice about the house and custody. The Freedom Programme?

If he rings you and it's not about the DC or a big emergency and he won't respond to a polite request to end the conversation you could just cut him off and don't answer (and report it) if he harasses you.

Another thing that might help is to seek childcare options, eg local babysitters, childcare students or childminders with spaces might be happy to have the chance of ad-hoc work. Or friends, eg you might be able to help them out another time or in other ways. Local children's centre might be able to advise? You can't rely on your ex to do what he says he will so need back up!

weedinthepool · 23/05/2015 10:49

I have support from Rape Crisis and an ISVA but I didn't go to my weekly appointment yesterday because he's pulling me down so much.

I can't walk into the solicitors. I just can't do it. I've been and had an initial couple if appointments but I bottled it. I can't afford it and I don't have the emotional capacity to talk through what he did and why I want to end the marriage and I'm so so scared of his reaction to legal proceedings.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 23/05/2015 10:50

Why do you feel you have to come back early from your holiday? Will the DC be with you? If so suggest just coming back when you planned. If you'll be away without them is there anyone who might have them for you?

weedinthepool · 23/05/2015 10:52

frogs thanks, you validating that km not being ridiculous is so helpful. He's done such a number on me that sometimes I feel like I'm wrong yo be feeling the feelings. Plus he never allowed me to be angry so I panic when I do feel anger because it always put me in danger of an assault.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 23/05/2015 10:57

You are absolutely not ridiculous- he is behaving totally selfishly and spitefully. You need to make sure you have got people on your side in real life, so you can feel stronger. Are you telling your friends/ family about his behaviour? If you can do - so much the better, you will realise by their reactions how outrageous he is being.
Sorry you are going through this.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/05/2015 10:57

Jeez. He is vile.

So firstly, well done you for getting away! Flowers

Sounds like it's time to limit contact as much as is possible. Change your mobile number, get a new email address and tell him he can contact you through that about the dcs only. Check it once a week, respond to anything about the dcs and ignore anything else. Better yet get a friend to check it and only tell you the relevant bits.

You need distance to start healing. If he tries to contact you in other ways, send an email telling him not to. If he carries on then I would speak to the police about harassment. I know you don't want things to escalate, but you need to be able to protect yourself.

No more relying on him for childcare for any important day. This is a favourite. Xh would let me down last minute, it's all done to hurt you. Always have a back up in place just in case so you can shrug and say "whatever".

When you're ready see a solicitor. They are there to help. I know it's hard. Could someone go with you? The sooner you're divorced the easier it will be to detach from all the other things that tie you together.

I am so very sorry that he has made a painful time so much harder :(

weedinthepool · 23/05/2015 11:05

fuckyou that's why I'm so angry. I'm so so so stressed with it all and he's using it as an opportunity to further abuse me. How can anyone stoop that low? He should be feeling so bad and guilty about his behaviour when we were together that he should step up during this shit. Instead he's making it a thousand times harder. Why?

I'm going on holiday by myself to try heal after the past few weeks, hence why he's insisting I come back for the dc's so he can go on this stupid fucking bike ride.

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 23/05/2015 11:06

Do you have any RL friends or family members that can help with getting something legal in place?

Women's aid would definitely be a great help. Even if you write it down and hand it over, if you're not up to talking about what he did. They should be able to help with getting sonething in place.

weedinthepool · 23/05/2015 11:06

squeegLe my friends and family all hate him with a passion so whilst I do open up a bit to them I have to be really careful because I don't want to stoke the flames IYSWIM.

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 23/05/2015 11:08

Because he's an abusive twunt and has no conscience. He wants you to feel stressed and angry. The times when he is normal and pleasant are not the real him, that bit is the act. The real him is the person who makes everything as hard for you as possible.

woowoo22 · 23/05/2015 11:08

Are you scared your friends/family will confront him?

Reginafalangie · 23/05/2015 11:11

If he has the children then you don't need to return from your holiday early. He is going to continue to control you as long as you let him. I know you say you don't have the strength at the moment but you do need to find it from somewhere.

This situation will not change unless you do something about it. Women who are victims of DV can apply for legal aid so you may not have the legal costs.

Do you have any support of family or friends?

fortunately · 23/05/2015 11:13

You're not being ridiculous.

Stop relying on him. Does he see the kids on a specific day or days each week? If not get a formal agreement in place as to when he sees them. If you can't face a solicitor then simply decide for yourself what is reasonable and tell him. Do you have anyone who can act as a buffer at handover? They could be at pick up and drop off so you don't have to see him.

Don't ask him any favours outside "his" time and don't get involved in what he does when he has them. It's called parallel parenting and is the only thing that works with someone like this.

Get onto the CSA or whoever it is now and get a monthly payment off him, then they can deal with it and you can push it out of your mind.

Rely on yourself and rely on others, as in friends and family. Don't give him the power to upset you or control you. If he is texting or emailing or calling then block him. If you have anything urgent he needs to know about the kids then use a diary which gets passed between you on handover. You aren't with him any more and you have no responsibility towards him other than allowing reasonable access to the kids. Cut him out.

You need to limit his control and involvement as much as possible.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/05/2015 11:21

I'm so glad you're having a holiday, I agree, don't come back early. You need this time.

You should be angry! You deserve to be angry! It's blooming exhausting being angry for a long time, but maybe let yourself feel it for a bit. He's a bastard. You get to distance yourself from him, but he is always going to be stuck being the loser he is.

One morning I was too ill to move. I asked xh if he could take the dcs to school since I genuinely couldn't. He said it wasn't his problem. I had to phone round, a friend who lived an hour away (xh was five mins away), came all the way to mine and sorted the dcs, and then picked them up later.

These men don't care if they hurt their dcs, as long as you are hurt too :(

I spent a lot of time trying to understand him. But then I realised the fact that I couldn't was a really good thing! It meant I was nothing like that.

It does get easier as you detach more and more

I'm hoping one day to get to a place where I am completely indifferent to him, but if I'm honest, the idea of being anywhere near him terrifies me. All handovers are done at a neutral place. The dcs get out of my car and into his. There is no contact.

Handywoman · 23/05/2015 12:06

Oh Weed you have EVERY right to be angry at this abusive bastard.

I second what others have advised.

Do NOT rely on him for any important childcare 'favours'. Anything you reasonably ask will be used to further abuse you. Enlist friends, childminders, family, babysitters instead.

Change your phone and acquire a second mob which is the new number to contact you on. Switch it OFF after 9pm. Switch email addresses. Setup a new one for him only to communicate about PRACTICAL ARRANGEMENTS fot the dc. Get a friend to screen for abisive communication.

Discuss nothing except PRACTICAL ARRANGEMENTS with him. Everything else goes through a solicitor.

Force the sale of the house ASAP by petitioning for divorce.

Prioritise your weekly IDVA sessions. Do not miss these unless you have a child with a limb hanging off or similar.

Go on holiday and come back on the original date.

Above all when you start wondering why he is like this, stop yourself immediately, and tell yourself that you are wonderful and very strong for getting away.

Time to think only of what YOU need. If you look after yourself your dc will be fine. Whatever happens to him is his own look out. With any luck he'll step under a bus at some point.

Thanks

diddl · 23/05/2015 12:14

Absolutely well done on getting away.

If you don't come back early from Spain, what will happen to the children?

What if you really, really could change flights?

Don't come back early!

I'd rather pay someone the £160 to look after the kids.

Sounds as if you need to get proper payments in place.

It's not unusual to pay half a mortgage until the youngest is 18, is it?

Plus maintenance.

Cherryapple1 · 23/05/2015 12:19

I take it you left him due to abuse. Please contact Women's Aid. They can support you, and if you were abused advise about free solicitor etc. I would be filing a claim for child maintenance too. And do not rely on him for anything in the future.

You also say he is helping dress kids etc, that means he is in your home? Please take steps to keep him out from now on.

cleanmyhouse · 23/05/2015 12:58

What an arsehole.

I agree with what everyone else is saying. Get support from other people, plan never to have to rely on him for anything, limit contact. Make sure everything is done via email so that when you do build up the strength to go to the solicitor, you have it all there in black and white.

Duckdeamon · 23/05/2015 17:02

In terms of what to say to a solicitor, they will only need a certain amount of information to advise you, not the full details, eg his abuse, why you left, and will probably mainly focus on the legal and practical matters to help you now.

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FlabulousChix · 23/05/2015 17:21

Force a sale on the house. Disengage. Email contact only. Block him on your phone. Prove you don't need him that's the problem you're giving him the power to call the shots

FlabulousChix · 23/05/2015 17:22

An ex doesn't have to pay any mortgage on a property they don't live in. It's not normal and shouldn't be expected either.

theQuibbler · 23/05/2015 17:37

I think you need some support to deal with him, because you sound scared (understandably) of him and still under his control.

Would you consider speaking to Women's Aid if you haven't already? They would understand and be able to advise you as to exactly how to disengage properly.

It's not that easy to do on your own. You need people who have got your back and can help you to keep going when it all feels too hard and frightening.

Ultimately. he's a nasty, abusive bully and they are hard people to tackle until you finally realise how pathetic they are - but that takes time. He's never going to try and make things better for you. It's not in his interest and that's all he cares about.

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