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Had enough of Frenemy-type friend and her horrible barbed comments.

(65 Posts)
CarnivalRose Fri 22-May-15 19:14:18

Friend always does a ditzy act so everyone thinks she's cute and nice, but always picks on me and makes barbed comments in a cutesy voice so that they sound like compliments. She doesn't do it to anyone else though.

Today I met her and several other friends and amongst the comments she made to me were:

"Oooh bottle blonde" when she saw I'd had my hair done lighter (she is bottle blonde herself too)

"Is that bag big enough for you? Jesus, its like a fucking sack. Isn't it?" (the isn't it bit was aimed at everyone else to get them to join in), about my new bag.

"oooh look at you, nice to see you've made an effort today"

"you're brave in those trousers. you're not someone that I would normally think could carry off something like that"

And on and on and on.

I came back with quips but I have been thinking I shouldn't have to defend myself to a so-called friend.

Why does she do this to me and not other people? She is always patronising to me about things I wear and own. Like an "OOOOH, I LIKE this" in a sarky baby voice.

NightsOfGethsemane Fri 22-May-15 19:16:19

She's no friend to you, is she?

Does she add anything positive to your life at all?

If not, then distance yourself from her pronto.

CarnivalRose Fri 22-May-15 19:17:53

Nope, nothing positive.

It's going to be difficult as we have mutual friends and also I see her every day on the school run.

Devora Fri 22-May-15 19:18:16

How much do you want to keep her as a friend? She doesn't sound worth much, but would it cause awkwardness for your social circle?

I think two options: either tell her where to get off, or give her one last chance to redeem herself by making it quite clear that you've noticed what she's doing. Don't come back with a quip or a protest: just look at her in silence (one or both eyebrows raised) and let her comment hang in the air. Let the silence go on and on, however uncomfortable it makes you feel.

Just letting people show themselves up like that, rather than covering the silence, can work quite well.

If it doesn't, dump her from a great height.

Duckdeamon Fri 22-May-15 19:21:01

All those comments during one meet up? Jeez!

I wouldn't make quips, might just go hmm. Handling depends on how easily she can be avoided and how likely she is to behave even more nastily (see the "Wendy" threads).

wallaby73 Fri 22-May-15 19:21:21

It is crying out for the MN classic....

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

Short, sharp, unambiguous.

ThursdayLast Fri 22-May-15 19:21:47

I had a friend like that. So I put some distance between us, thinking that if she really did like and miss me she'd make a bit more effort.

It was t quite as black and white as that in the end - but the end result is that we are very definitely not friends any more.

If she makes you feel shit, she's not a friend.

CarnivalRose Fri 22-May-15 19:22:13

Mutual friends all think she's lovely and cute and dizzy.

BettyCatKitten Fri 22-May-15 19:25:31

Nasty. I call women like her jelly fish, on account of the stinging comments. Step away as much as you can. Life's too short to put up with that shit.

sneepy Fri 22-May-15 19:26:11

Just say, "sorry, what?" Whenever she says something awful. Make her repeat it. Then say, "I don't know what you mean" and make her explain herself. Act completely baffled. After she explains (if she does) say "oh. Ok" and roll your eyes. As Devora says, make her show herself up. She'll leave you alone after that.

Gorgonzolacherry Fri 22-May-15 19:27:55

Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh poor you.

I had friends like this. I gave one of them the boot and the other, every single time she said something like this I replied, gently but confidently "is that intended as a hostile remark?". It worked, boundaries drawn. We do however see less of each other now.

Good luck!

I have seen people in similar situations advised to pretend you don't get what she's getting at, and force her to explain why she's saying what she is saying, and why it is supposed to be funny.

Her: "Ooh - bottle blonde" << giggle giggle >>

You: "I'm sorry - what are you saying?"

Her: "You've dyed your hair blonde"

You: "Yes - I have. Is that funny in some way?"

Her: "Well - you know...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her: "Is that bag big enough for you? Jesus, its like a fucking sack. Isn't it?"

You: "it's a bag. I carry stuff in it. What point are you making?"

Her: "Well - just that it is so huge..."

You: "Yes - and?" << sympathetic head tilt >>

NightsOfGethsemane Fri 22-May-15 19:29:03

There are ways to distance yourself without causing a massive rift in your friendship group. I would probably confront her about her rudeness but if you don't want to you can distance yourself gradually. Perhaps walk a different way, or stop off at the shops/ park on the way back so you're not going the same way, or drive your DC to school for a bit. Whatever works for you. Or my personal favourite -iPod in, sunglasses on, make no eye contact with anyone and get in and out as fast as possible!

spanky2 Fri 22-May-15 19:29:10

Sneepy great advice. I'd love to see her face when she'd have to repeat and explain!

Sneepy has said what I was trying to say - but clearly and without waffling. Wot she said!

Gorgonzolacherry Fri 22-May-15 19:30:16

Oh sorry just read the whole thread. Don't fall out with her....as that may affect your position I the wider social group. Believe me, I know about this and it's not pleasant/worth the hassle. Just don't hang out with her one on one anymore and if she makes those comments in the group say ask the hostile I explained above.

Triple ugh.

Duckdeamon Fri 22-May-15 19:30:18

If she says this stuff often in front of others and none of your mutual friends notice then they are being a bit unobservant at best. even teens can often spot this kind of stuff.

Finola1step Fri 22-May-15 19:37:34

Stonewall her. When she makes such stupid comments, just stare right through her, saying nothing. If she tries to carry on, simply say "What would you like me to say?".

Who in their right mind likes a grown woman who is "cute and dizzy" for a friend? I bet there are a few friends who find her quite annoying too but won't say anything for fear that she will turn on them.

BettyCatKitten Fri 22-May-15 19:39:50

Cute and ditzy she ain't grin
Bitchy and manipulating she is!

Babynamechange Fri 22-May-15 19:44:12

Watching this thread with interest as I have a 'friend' like this who stresses me out no end and who I'm utterly rubbish at dealing with (hate any kind of confrontation so usually just laugh it off). My current method is to limit contact as much as humanly possible ..

But take heart in the fact that she's more than likely jealous of you... So think of her horrible barbed comments as perverse compliments as she sees you as a threat in some way.
Goodluck xx

MrsSheRa Fri 22-May-15 19:45:56

God, these bloody women. Theyre a disease.

Become vaguely cold and when another barb happens, face her as directly as you can with unwavering eye contact, and ask her to explain her comments the way previous posters have suggested.

MrsSheRa Fri 22-May-15 19:48:16

Agree with Baby, this woman sees you as a threat so needs to undermine you to feel superior.

Use this knowledge to your advantage. ..

ThursdayLast Fri 22-May-15 19:51:33

Ah yes, I will admit. My strained friendship with this particular individual has made life a bit more difficult in our 'group'. not too much of an issue for me as I felt I was becoming seperate from them anyway.

I think the stone walling advice is great. It will either show her up to the rest of the group, or make her so uncomfortable she'll stop.

CarnivalRose Fri 22-May-15 19:51:54

She also always alludes to me being fat! I'm not, I'm a size 8-10. She kind of over compliments others all the time on their figures but is critical about me.

CMOTDibbler Fri 22-May-15 19:53:33

I really like 'not understanding' method because it puts it all on them

'you're brave in those trousers' 'sorry? <head tilt>' 'well, I wouldn't have thought you could get away with them' 'sorry, don't quite know what you mean' - and then she either has to say outright that she thinks your thighs are huge, or back down.

You could also be relentlessly positive, which I've done with someone I loathe, but see a few times a year as she is v good friend of good friend.
It can be a bit wearing, but worth it for the way it freaks them out smile
'ooh, bottle blonde' 'yes, I love it'
'ooh huge bag' 'brilliant isn't it, so practical'

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