Just walking out one day - using savings - Is this legal?

[baaaabaaaaabaaaa]

There is a vvvv long back story I am yet to share but basically have discovered my husband has been cheating on me since at least 2003/4 probably longer. We have 2 teenage kids.

Its no one specific. I think his criteria is a pulse and an orifice. Sorry to be so blunt.

Anyway - no one is rl has a clue and thinks we lead a lovely little life. I have known/suspected about certain past dalliances (but not the full blown story until recently) but never had the balls to leave because of kids,money, no job and not even knowing where I would go to live as we have been moving around for almost 20 years with his job.

We live on a military base and have savings, our deposit on our forever home when he gets out. The money is soley in my name because I am housewife and non tax payer.

I am at a point where I have a very small window this summer to get out and start fresh - so the DC are settled at new schools in september at key stages of their education. If I wait until after September,I will wait 2 more years!

I want to use the savings to just leave one day. Go back to where we were stationed last year (the town not the base) as me and the kids liked it there and still have connections and a "life" there we can pick back up ok.

My plan is to just used some savings to rent somewhere, pay deposits and all the fees. Once I am there I will look for a job but in the mean time I will need to use the savings to live off and bills.

Can I just do this? Or do I need to get a legal seperation order first?

Will there be any legal ramifications in the longer term upon legal seperation/divorce because I use some of the money for this.

The sum is fairly substantial and I doubt I would use a 1/4 of it to be honest.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Legally if you're married it's half yours. When you divorce you may be awarded more of it if you have the dcs with you. As long as you don't spend more than half I can't see why it would be a problem. But it would be worth seeing a solicitor to be absolutely sure of where you stand :)

Good luck! I hope you have a wonderful future

[expatinscotland]

Take it and go.

[baaaabaaaaabaaaa]

Thanks for replying Fuckyou.


I am really struggling where we live at the moment. Its all new (despite being here 6 months now). I am not sure where to go. I have no back upor support. I know I could go to Amry welfare for advice and help but I am struggling to admit on these boards what has been going on in my life let alone speaking to anyone in RL at the moment.

I have been trying to pluck up the courage to go to a solicitor since January 2014 when I knew we were posted away from our last base. I wanted to avoid moving and messing the kids around again but I am so down trodden and have an absolute terror (almost) of speaking to a solicitor at the moment, I keep putting it off and off and off. It is so hard to explain. I started a thread the other day about what to ask but just cant make myself go.

I just feel that just going will get my situation onto the next rung/level with no bottling out. Once I leave that will be that. I will then be forced to face upto stuff and deal with the next step.

I think I have allowed myself to be treated like absolute shit for so many years - my self esteem and confidence are shattered.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Remember, seeing a solicitor does not commit you to anything. It's just a fact finding mission. Once you know where you stand you can decide what you want to do with the information. You might even use a different solicitor to take it forward if indeed that's what you decide. So the solicitor isn't the scary bit at all. Write down what you want to ask before you go, so you don't forget any important bits.

[SurlyCue]

I agree with expat. Take it and go. If you cant bring yourself to see a solicitor yet then just go and sort a solicitor when you are out of the situation thats causing the stress. You will be able to think a lot more clearly when you have A) already left (so the pressure of that decision is gone) and B) are away from the cause of your stress.

[Muddlewitch]

I agree that as long as you don't spend more than half you should be fine.

Life is short, take it and go, and good luck.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Oh love, I'm not surprised you're feeling rubbish after all he's put you through.

Do you think you could write it down? Take the letter to the Army Welfare place and ask them to read it? I've heard they can be incredibly supportive. That way you don't have to say anything out loud at any point.

You and the dcs will be so much happier out of this. You really will. You're doing amazingly. I was the same, I made a plan to leave at a certain time and just worked towards that day. I still remember dancing around my new place on the first day :o it was all mine and we were all safe. The most amazing feeling. There were low times, but never as low as when I was with xh.

[FlabulousChix]

Make your plans and leave. Get yourself and your children a happy and settled future. As said above spend only half of the money as the other half isn't yours. Personally I'd do it and transfer his half to his bank and call it quits

[HowDoesThatWork]

I think that if it is joint savings it is both 100% yours and 100% his, you could clear out the account, spend what you need on deposit and rent and then talk about assets remaining after.

You need legal advice.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

It's got to be mostly your money if it's for the DC. Whatever happens they need a home. If dh is army then they'll house him. If he stays in until they are 18 then you're all housed.
Do you have an area that works for you?
Good luck.

[DarkNavyBlue]

I took 8K from joint savings that were held in my sole name to pay deposit, 6 months rent in advance and new household goods. It felt amazing having the freedom to be able to do that (once I'd finally made the decision to go).

Perfectly legal according to my Ex's solicitor. If it's joint savings you can do whatever the hell you like with your half of it.

[shirleybasseyslovechild]

please follow the legal channels
I doubt anyone here would advise a man in your shoes to take the money and run

[DarkNavyBlue]

She's not 'taking the money and running'. She's spending her own money. Why shouldn't she?

[WellWhoKnew]

Hello, No one has mentioned Women's Aid yet - but I can personally recommend them for their sheer understanding and kindness to women who are on their knees with despair.

Ring them on 0808 2000 247 when you get a chance.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

You don't have to manage this alone. This organisation is a font of knowledge, support, advice, all sorts really. Run by women for women. Most women involved in that organisation have been in your situation.

You don't need to have been beaten black and blue for them to offer practical advice and support. They are the experts in helping women leave unbearable situations, and helping women rebuild their self-esteem when its shot to pieces.

As for you plundering the savings. Although this can be a grey area (there's lots of ifs, buts and caveats about it) to be on the safe side, take 50% ish. Less if you can, but enough for your needs.

Take care.

[springydaffs]

You don't have to tell anyone what's been happening, op. But I feel very moved by the way you refer to what has been unmentionable and I know that when you can tell the right person, probably a professional, you will be met with compassion.

In your circumstances, yes, get up and go, using what is yours. I would take exactly half to be on the safe side iiwy. Once you are settled back in the old town you can take as much time as you like to face things - its your choice, go at the pace that feels right for you. You don't have to get everything done in one go; its enough that you are away from him.

[Lweji]

If they are in your name, you are not "taking them", you are just using them.

I'd also only spend up to half, upon separation, just in case.

I'd think taking the children would be more of a problem to consider, though, and you may well need legal advice on that.
Do ring WA first and for advice on solicitors who understand your situation.

[springydaffs]

Women's Aid number 0808 2000 247 - from the UK. 0044 808 2000 247 if not (sorry to spell it out). Call at (UK) night to get a better chance of getting through - lines are so busy during the day, too many in this situ

OR email them - address on their site. WA is a confidential support service, you don't have to tell them who you are eg your full name.

[baaaabaaaaabaaaa]

Thank you for you help. I am reading but have a houseful this weekend so putting the happy family facade on and finding it a bit hard to get on here to reply.

My husband is not abusive I dont think although I suppose some may argue he is to the point he keeps cheating and cheating knowing its hurt me so much.

I don't feel I have the right to call WA. He does not hit me and is generally very mild mannered. You would never guess he does behind my back what he does if you met him/saw him. WA is for women more desperate than me. I would feel I was taking help away from a woman in a dangerous situation. My situation is crap. I am still in it because I have been spineless.

I will have a proper read of all your replies tomorrow when I will hopefully get the chance to have a proper read - have only skimmed quickly this evening.

[Reginafalangie]

You can contact the royal british legion. It is in confidence and they will NOT inform your DH. They can help with rent/bond, furniture, schooling, clothes, food. As the spouse of a serving soldier you and your children are entitled to help and support from the royal british legion. They have a dedicated women's section and help women in your position.

Their number is 0808 802 8080.

[Grewupinafield]

I am so sorry you're in this situation. I'm an army wife myself. In this sort of unique family set up, it can extremely hard to go through marital problems, we have often given up a lot in order to follow our husbands around the country or even the world. Their bad behaviour is often put down to "stresses" of the job (which I absolutely don't believe). I've seen some soldiers treat their wives appallingly and this past 2 weeks alone, 4 guys have moved back into the block from the patch (just in dhs regiment).

It sounds like you are having a very difficult time. Speak to welfare, you don't have to go into any detail, you can even pretend you're asking on a friends behalf. They give very good practical advice.

As for the money, if it's in your name and you need it to create a secure and happy home for your children, take it. You deserve happiness

[Grewupinafield]

Agree with above poster Regina... Definitely contact RBL

[springydaffs]

The clue is in the title, baaa - they aid women. Yes, they are the experts in domestic abuse but they do more than that. The important thing here is you are utterly wretched and need support and advice.

Btw I was never hit. You also would never have believed in a million years my husband was a monster. Just saying.

But it sounds like RBL is a great resource

[Lweji]

That you are planning on walking out and seem wary of doing it, is a good reason to contact WA.
In normal situations you'd talk to your husband and arrange an amicable solution. It doesn't seem like that is possible, from your post, which means that you need support.
It's quite hard to do it alone, so do get it from where you can.
WA can point you to solicitors who are used to difficult break ups. You can always check their website, in addition to contacting RBL.

[WellWhoKnew]

My husband was long gone when I contacted them.

He never hit me. Not once.

WA never, ever told me I didn't need their help.

They believed me when I asked for help.

Please don't think they are a 'violence' charity. They are a group of women for women. They recognise that abuse occurs in many ways.

For example:

• being repeatedly cheated on: it puts your own health at risk, and that is abuse.
  

• ostracising you from finances: limits you from making choices. That is abuse.
  

• that your innate feelings don't feel valid: being told what to think/feel is abuse. You know how you feel. You know how you think. 'Bout time you questioned that.
  

• believing others deserve more. Yeah - that's the crux of the matter. For me, when I can give back, I will do. It may not be financially, but it may be to take the time to point out the organisation exists. Or that I can thank them openly. BUT IT WILL ALWAYS BE: They are an organisation for women. You're a woman. Ring them.