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please give me some hope/reassurance

(98 Posts)
imskintandheismint Thu 21-May-15 22:58:08

I will try to keep this as short as possible. My bank balance is currently sitting at 110pounds overdrawn, tomorrow I am due to pay childcare fees, I will need to put petrol in the car to get to work, and entertain DS this weekend as it is my (one and only) weekend with him in the month. Other than milk I have enough food for meals to get through the next few days until I get working tax credits on Monday, but by which point I will be right back to square one...overdrawn. And so the cycle will continue

Exp has taken it upon himself to stop paying child maintenance, which is why things are so tight. He stopped paying around christmas, as I didn't agree to what he wanted and this is his way of controlling me. It always has been. I contacted CMS, they tracked him, made a calculation of 450pounds per month, but before the first payment was due he had already quit his job to ensure I didn't receive it (he had always warned me if i went to CMS he would do this, but had no other option as he wasn't paying anyway)

He is now claiming he is starting a business. Which has never been mentioned before in all the time I have known him but knowing him like I do, the sole motivation for becoming self employed is to avoid paying much/anything through CMS.

But my problem is this...if he was genuinely hard up financially, fine. Aren't we all. I'd accept that and make the most of what I have and focus on the positives. But this is a man of considerable wealth

On top of the very well paid job he had, he buys flats, renovates them himself, and then sells them on at a substantial profit. He has other flats which he owns and rents out. They are however undeclared to HMRC. HMO flats which he claims are non profit, and advertises on gumtree so can get away with saying he is not a landlord. (I have reported him numerous times since december, they have yet to catch up with him). And at court a few weeks ago, he stated that he wanted to take DS away on a skiing trip abroad at easter, for a 3 week holiday to spain in summer, then to disneyland florida in October. He wants DS to go to a fee paying school, yet also claims he is unable to pay child maintenance as he is no longer working confused

But I have no proof of this, other than the 3 flats which came up on a land registry search (which leads me to believe he has recently sold or transferred names on deeds of the other properties I know of)

Can he really get away with this forever? From what I have read on here, CMS are generally pretty useless. I was told on the phone that they can only go by what HMRC have on him, which is nothing, and may well be nothing for a while yet. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he is doing this to DS. he is aware of my financial situation and could not care less. How dare he do this to DS

I can just about pay the bills, I get all the help I am entitled to, help with rent etc but my disposable income is zero, so after food petrol etc and all bills I have nothing. Exp wants this, he is narcissistic without a doubt, and sees this as a compitition, he wants to be the favourite parent who has all the cool stuff, all the latest gadgets, all the best holidays and for DS to then come back to me and have nothing. He is thoroughly enjoying this.

Is there ANYONE out there who has experienced similar but has managed to get child maintenance? When it come round to birthdays, christmas etc I'm snookered, it's not fair on DS

I have sent the additional income form with proof of the properties i found from the land registry search, and will do a further search to see who now owns the other properties, but he will fight tooth and nail to make sure I get nothing from him. Is there an appeals process for when it comes back as another nill assessment and will they really fight this cause? the last few days I have been sick with worry about what the future holds, it's looking fairly grim

I should also add, we are due to go to mediation, he wants to discuss cm there, but he wants it to be done based on my outgoings, he has asked to see all my bills, childcare etc and thinks it should go down next year when DS starts school as I'll no longer be paying childcare. I could scream sad

imskintandheismint Thu 21-May-15 23:40:17

bump

ratinkitchen Thu 21-May-15 23:56:20

From info provided it looks like your partner will not be providing

Is there any work you can do from home yourself ?

Suggest may be adding this into the money or job section

TheShoeLady Fri 22-May-15 00:05:24

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't know much about the cms (apart from, as you say, they seem pretty ineffective).

I can't advise on any of the legal/financial side of it, but I do want to say that your ds will know that you love him, you are his stability, his home.

When it come round to birthdays, christmas etc I'm snookered, it's not fair on DS while his dad might be the one who buys him posh gadgets and laptops etc, he will gain other things from you. Things he won't get from a selfish and irresponsible dad, that only a loving and caring parent could ever give. Yes, I'm sure he'll enjoy his skiing holiday, but do you know what, he'd also love camping with a bunch of friends and family or a long weekend at the beach in England. The memories from those type of holidays will stay with him forever too.

Unfortunately it seems that your ex isn't going to cough up and so you need to work on the assumption that you're on your own. It's not fair and it's not easy, but plenty of mums do have to do this.

I'm lucky that my ex does pay the CMS amount, but I am aware that at any point he could resign (he too has threatened this) and I would have to adjust my life accordingly. With 3 DCs and a large mortgage to look after this would be a massive upheaval for me, but I have to accept that if my ex wants to be that petty then I have to rise above it and take on that extra burden myself.

If your ex is able to give your ds some of the finer things then at least he will get them (even if he's not allowed to bring them home to your house, which will only make your ex look mean and petty to DS). You will undoubtedly have some moaning about why you don't have the same cool stuff as dad does at his house, but at the end of the day, DCs need love, stability, consistent discipline and a feeling that they matter. With all of that at your house, you don't need to compete with the Disney dad.

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 00:07:36

the industry I work in wouldn't really tie in with working from home

I don't think I can bring myself to even look at exp. He is effectively making DS suffer. when repairs are needed on the car, which hopefully won't be for a while, I will not have money for food. I need to fight this, surely cms have sanctions or ways to stop men like this getting away with financial abuse sad

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 00:21:28

thank you shoelady thanks

it's just so unfair, I'm a lot younger than him, and so not quite had the chance to fully build up my career. He was already very stable in his career and has further progressed, yet has never had to pay a day of childcare or take a day off work with DS being unwell, or go part time which affects pension contributions etc etc etc

my choice to have a child of course but that doesn't take away the sheer frustration and sadness that he is deliberately choosing to shirk his responsibilities, whilst appearing to be the wonderful dad in every other way. All the financial outlay of the day to day costs lay solely on me and my low wage. I wish there were prison sentences involved for those who can more than afford to pay cm, but just don't feel like it, perhaps then it wouldn't be such a widespread problem

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 00:26:18

He is an embarrassment of a man.

I don't feel like I can just accept it and allow him to get away with it though, I feel I need to take it further, I have to do this for my sanity and for DS wellbeing. I cannot just let him get away with it. He has been evading tax for years now, he's got away with too much already and now this...

I assume people know that he chooses to pay nothing towards his child, while he himself lives in luxury?
This prize tosspot picks the pocket of his own little DS to supplement his own lifestyle. What a stain he is. Not a wonderful dad at all. Your DS will realise this when he gets older.

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 00:34:22

I doubt he will be telling anyone tbh, but perhaps I should take it upon myself to let it be known

the anger I feel is overwhelming. He watches me struggle, knowingly and is happy as his pennies (or should I say thousands) continue to tot up

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 00:36:55

But I don't want it to eat me up, I suppose I do need to mentally accept, at least for now, that he will never contribute to DS upbringing. I don't want to be bitter, but it is hard and this is only the beginning

APlaceOnTheCouch Fri 22-May-15 00:46:52

Have you spoken to CAB or a solicitor? The former will be able to make sure that you're receiving all the benefits you're entitled to. The latter can advise on the likelihood of you securing any additional funds from your ex but tbh the system makes it easy for men like your ex to walk away from your responsibilities. Don't let this consume you. Every moment you waste being angry at him is only hurting yourself. He's an arse but you can only be grateful he isn't more closely involved in your life. If I were you, I would reconsider mediation. He sounds EA so you're not likely to gain from sitting round a table with him. Can you just send your solicitor on your behalf? Claw back some distance from him. Keep it practical and non-emotional.

Charis1 Fri 22-May-15 00:48:34

It sounds like you will just have to provide for your child your self. Why do you need to choose between repairing the car and food? Can you not sell the car if you can't afford it? I've never been able to afford to consider owning a car. it is quite a big luxury.

APlaceOnTheCouch Fri 22-May-15 00:48:55

flowers it is hard and it is unfair.

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 01:01:48

I will hopefully speak to a solicitor by next week, I would ideally prefer to go to court, but unsure of the difference between cms and court, whether it would make a difference or if they are virtuly the same in relation to enforcing anything

I agree that having a car is a luxury, but the location of my work, and the shifts I do, being without a car means I would be out of a job, as public transport is not an option unfortunately, and the type of job I do as my second job which is a zero hour contract (but I'm always guaranteed the extra 10hrs pw) means I couldn't do it without one

in time I'd be looking to work elsewhere but that won't happen overnight.

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 01:03:12

virtually*

APlaceOnTheCouch Fri 22-May-15 01:10:53

Courts are better at enforcing. The problem is that your ex seems adept at hiding and fudging his income and if he is now self-employed then it's even easier to hide his earnings.
Perhaps when faced with a solicitor or a lawyer's letter, he may become slightly more amenable to paying up.
But if he sees money as a way to keep control of you then your best way of getting back at him is to show you can live happily with or without his money.

BettyCatKitten Fri 22-May-15 01:11:04

I think, from your post you have been on here before.
I'm so sorry you are still going through this intolerable situation.
What does this man want from you?
Is he trying to get ds for himself?
Does he want to be resident parent?
Or is he trying to destroy YOU?
I'm sorry but I have no answers.
Other than to say he is a terrible parent if he thinks this is how you do things!
Your poor ds, stay strong!

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 01:26:25

Yes having been an accountant for years he is very adept at fudging the numbers. and has often told me this in person that he will continue to do it as he doesn't see why I should get it all-living with DS and no longer doing the 40mile round trip to collect DS after contact each weekend, as court told him it is his responsibility.

Yes betty I've had a few posts on mumsnet over the last year, under different names. feel like a broken record actually grin but you've got it, he wants residency, but for the wrong reasons-he took me to court to get residency or 50/50 and told me he was doing it as it would mean he would not have to pay cmshock anyway of course nothing at all went his way at court and he is now feeling pissed off. I think he thrives off drama if I'm honest, and loves a good argument. He is a control freak hence needing to know all of my exact outgoings to decide whether or not he should pay cm or not. He is relentless, and exhausting

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 01:27:31

Yes having been an accountant for years he is very adept at fudging the numbers. and has often told me this in person that he will continue to do it as he doesn't see why I should get it all-living with DS and no longer doing the 40mile round trip to collect DS after contact each weekend, as court told him it is his responsibility.

Yes betty I've had a few posts on mumsnet over the last year, under different names. feel like a broken record actually grin but you've got it, he wants residency, but for the wrong reasons-he took me to court to get residency or 50/50 and told me he was doing it as it would mean he would not have to pay cmshock anyway of course nothing at all went his way at court and he is now feeling pissed off. I think he thrives off drama if I'm honest, and loves a good argument. He is a control freak hence needing to know all of my exact outgoings to decide whether or not he should pay cm or not. He is relentless, and exhausting

imskintandheismint Fri 22-May-15 01:34:22

a few people in rl advising me to cut contact until cm is sorted out. controversial I know (or downright wrong) but I see their point, why should he be able to get away with not contributing a dime yet swan in every weekend and have all the fun and exciting times with DS. these people in rl are of course not legally trained and its not something I would do lightly, especially after just having been to court and having a contact agreement in place, but my goodness, i have to admit, the temptation is huge!

HelenaDove Fri 22-May-15 02:36:16

Child Support enforcement should never have been taken out of the remit of the courts. Because then the fact he is boasting about sking holidays and disneyland would have been picked up on and he would have been called on it.

HelenaDove Fri 22-May-15 02:38:48

Charis1 On a thread which you posted about teaching and schools having to act like mini welfare states you said that parents of teens have to be reminded that they are still parents.

Why should the rules be any different for the OPs ex? hmm

Or do you really just mean mothers!

Charis1 Fri 22-May-15 04:17:56

I think it is a waste of your precious wonderful short family life to spend it flogging a dead horse, and letting your children know you as bitter, and resentful, when you could just get on with your life, enjoy and celebrate being a mother, make a lovely home, and give your children a happy loving parent who teaches them to make the most of their blessings.

sakura Fri 22-May-15 06:31:30

she can't make a lovely home without money Charis1. He is effectively stealing from this little family. ANyone with a sense of justice can see this is a wrong that should be righted.

LimeFizz Fri 22-May-15 06:37:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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