I just wanted to know if anyone has experience of being in a relationship with a commitment shy emotionally unavailable man?
Every time I get too close he runs away. It's frustrating and painful because the times we get the most close and the most intimate are the times he always pulls away afterwards.
Sometimes he calls all the time and texts all the time and I see him a lot, then other times he drops off the face of the planet. At those times if I text him he replies in one word answers and it's hurtful. If I ignore him, he always comes back.
He's not dating anyone else or anything, but he is hard (impossible) to make fixed plans with and he has to do it in his own time at his own pace. I often feel like everything revolves around him and I have feelings too.
He says he cares for me deeply, and that he is falling for me but that he needs time to adjust because he is so used to being alone. He says as time passes and trust builds he will be and give all the things I want and we've had clear discussions about that. Sometimes little things he does do show he cares a lot for me. For example I found he's kept lots of sentimental items from our dates (he's not the sentimental type!) and also noticed he deletes all his phone conversations and photos apart from ours. I asked why and he said "because that's us". Little things like that show he cares about me, but sometimes I feel like he's testing me or trying to make me dump him to see if I will.
I just want to know whether men like this are a lost cause. It's been five months now and while we make gradual progress it is very slow and I do spend a lot of time wondering what's happening which I don't really like.
One thought that has kept me going is that I have a female friend like this, who pushes people away and is scared to get close to people or intimate and I know that her current husband persevered through her barriers for months and months before she finally opened up enough to trust him and I was wondering if this might happen the same way.
I'm not a doormat with him but I have exercised a lot of patience and given him a lot of space and I just don't want to be a fool or waste my life away on a hopeless case. Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a man like this and does it always end badly?
Is it behaving with a lack of self respect to tolerate a boyfriend who disappears like this with never any explanation? I am not sure if I am being patient or being stupid.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Does emotionally unavailable men ever change?
Stickels · 21/05/2015 21:43
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