Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I a mug again or over reacting?

(30 Posts)
Lula2515 Thu 21-May-15 20:20:59

DPs bday. DS offered to babysit but DP said no as we're broke and can't afford to of out. Fair enough, DS goes to bed at 7 so could have a nice evening in together. Few days ago mentioned he had drinks at work with big boss. Said this morning we would be home 6:30/7. I'm still waiting.

Makes me feel like I'm just not as fun as work lot. Feel miserable. Is that ridiculous? It's his bday so can do what he likes I guess.

ALaughAMinute Thu 21-May-15 20:33:18

You say he's gone for a drink with his boss, is this pleasure or business?

If he's gone for a drink to discuss business then I think you should let him off. Does he do this often?

Lula2515 Thu 21-May-15 20:39:06

I think it started as a thing with the boss then had drinks in the office.

He's just called to ask my permission to go out for drinks at a bar. What am I supposed to say? I can't win! Told him I was a bit hurt that he didn't want to spend his bday with me.
Trying not to cry whilst I seem like the unreasonable one.
Yes he does this a lot

webman25 Thu 21-May-15 20:45:02

You're right to be upset I think, as he's clearly going to spend the money "you don't have" whilst with his workmates.

Would be interested to know what his response was when you questioned him not spending time with you...

Lula2515 Thu 21-May-15 20:47:02

He said if I was going to cause a row then he'd just come home, he wanted to spend a lovely evening with me. I pointed out that even if he left now he wouldn't be home til after 9.
I've got dinner ready and a cake I baked on the table.
Really holding back the tears.

Jackw Thu 21-May-15 20:49:44

Yes that's sad. It seems like he'd rather spend his birthday with workmates than you and seems to have money for that but not to go out with you.

I wouldn't have the row on his birthday but think it's OK to show that you are hurt. Perhaps have a proper talk about it at the weekend and explain how it has made you feel.

Pollyswall Thu 21-May-15 20:52:12

You can't win this one, it's his birthday, and it'll look as though you've ruined it.

A talk is called for on another day.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 21-May-15 20:53:51

Oh that is sad sad does he know you cooked etc?

Pollyswall Thu 21-May-15 20:54:27

Jackw we think alike.

Lula2515 Thu 21-May-15 20:57:39

Yes, he asked me at ten to 8 to start dinner.

webman25 Thu 21-May-15 21:23:09

it sounds to me like he's being a bit out of order then Lula2515, and if it's not a one off you've a right to be concerned.

Lula2515 Thu 21-May-15 21:32:32

sad

DragonsCanHop Thu 21-May-15 22:13:16

So he asked you to start dinner at 7.50 and then called at 8.40 to say he was staying out?

Wow, I would be leaving the meal for two plus cake on the dining room table. Birthday or no birthday that is just horrible.

Livvylongpants Thu 21-May-15 22:16:12

no hes being out of order. he doesn't have money to go out with you but does with his workmates. bin the dinner and have an early night

FuckingLiability Thu 21-May-15 22:19:25

Huh. I'd also have left the dinner on plates on the table along with the cake so he could see it when he got in. Cheeky fucker.

But yeah, I can understand not wanting to have the row on his birthday.

newnamesamegame Thu 21-May-15 22:20:05

I'd be gutted as well and frankly I think its not a great sign if he prefers to spend his birthday with workmates. If he'd given you a bit of warning ahead of time would have been understandable but to dither and mess you around like that is just selfish.

But agree with others, you should raise it at another time or you'll be accused of being a killjoy

ScorpioMermaid Fri 22-May-15 07:43:57

What time did he turn up OP? it was a shirty thing for him to do. hope you feel better this morning x

magoria Fri 22-May-15 07:48:49

You deserve better than to be left sitting around like this.

Tell him to shape up or fuck off.

He was rude and disrespectful and you have become part of the furniture/cook for him.

Vivacia Fri 22-May-15 08:04:34

It's not ok for your partner to stand you up like this. I think some people would be happy in a relationship where mates come first, but it's reasonable to feel that's not for you.

I wouldn't LTB over this. But I would be paying attention to how he behaved when he got in and this morning. I'd be thinking carefully over the next few days. I'd be looking for other behaviours and run them passed the posters here.

ScorpioMermaid Fri 22-May-15 08:07:38

fwiw I meant shitty not shirty. (stupid phone)

Lula2515 Fri 22-May-15 16:10:21

He got home at 22:50. Then was jokey about it. I backed down but I do still feel really hurt.
He was going out for a working lunch today then coming home early...but now apparently he's on a conference call....but because of last night I don't know if actually he's actually just stayed out drinking

RagingJellyBean Fri 22-May-15 16:16:36

I find it sad that you've backed down & rolled over.
He's been rude, disrespectful & he's put you last in his list of priorities.
Who gives a flying shite if it's his birthday? Does that mean I can treat my OH like a doormat once a year just because it's my birthday?

You should have told him straight how hurtful & rude he's been. Especially seeing as you'd cooked for him & baked a cake.

Lula2515 Fri 22-May-15 16:27:07

I did tell him. He knows how to win me round. I feel like I need to pick my arguments. Which I guess means I accept some things which I find unacceptable

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-May-15 16:35:02

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here and what do you think he is learning from the two of you?. That it is ok for a woman to be treated like this by a man?.

This is not the legacy you want to be leaving him, your son is being shown really the same level of contempt by his father as you are.

Your partner is certainly not a dp, he is instead an entitled and emotionally abusive man; he can tie you up in knots and has you well ground down. My guess as well is that you were happier before you met and you will only be happier as well when you leave this person. He is taking you for a right mug.

inlectorecumbit Fri 22-May-15 16:39:15

well Lula you have just given him the green light to do whatever he pleases as he knows you will just give in.

What a way to live your life--so sad that you have to tolerate things you find unacceptable. Although you don't do you? You dont have to accept anything you don't want to

Now is the time for you to grow a backbone because if you don't you will be having a lifetime of being walked over sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now