How do I boost my self esteem?

[hashbrownnofilter]

I was not sure where to put this so hopefully it is ok here in relationships.
I have a massive problem with getting to grips with liking myself. I am hugely overweight which is a result if me stress and comfort eating for years now. I have known that I do it but have been unable to bring myself to try and control it. In the last month I have finally managed to get a grip and have started eating healthier and began couch to 5k. This has taken a monumental shift in my thinking and to be honest I cannot put my finger on where the motivation came from. A week or so ago I had a bad run, posted in chat and felt betterish after and did manage to pick myself up again.
Last night though, it happened again. The sensible part of me knows it was because I had not drank enough through the day and I was moving to a new level so obviously it was going to be an adjustment. But the part of me that hates myself is thinking that I am worthless, that I will never be healthy, that my life is pointless etc etc. The last night and morning I have been utterly unable to talk myself out of thinking like this.
I cannot bring myself to tell anyone in real life how I feel. And my overriding urge right now is to eat through it. I am resisting that, I know it is not a physical need. I feel so desperate, I have no idea how to break this cycle or to tackle any of these feelings in a healthy way.
I am in tears and feel ridiculous but I have disliked myself for, well basically my whole life and I need some advice on how to build myself up from this. On the face of it I know people like me, my daughter is loving and affectionate and my oh is very verbal in loving me. I have a lovely group of friends. But under all that I don't really believe it at all. In fact I often end up isolating myself assuming people would not want me around.
I cannot afford counselling at all nor trainers or the like. Has anyone got anything to help me stick on the right path now?

[hashbrownnofilter]

So long. Sorry.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There is no need to apologise.

You are so not worthless at all but you have to believe that truly for your own self.

Where did this self loathing actually come from; did it stem from your parents as a child making you feel unwanted and unvalued?. Whatever the cause it needs addressing and now because someone somewhere taught you that about you and its simply not true.

I would be contacting BACP as they could help you re counselling; you state you cannot afford it but its well contacting them anyway.

[pocketsaviour]

Have a look for a counsellor who does sliding scale fees and who has experience with eating disorders, specifically binge eating.

You might not be able to afford to go every week, but you could maybe go once a month?

I do know where you're coming from - I have struggled with binge eating since being molested for two years age 11. I am now 42 and having gastric bypass next month as I cannot control my food addiction. If you can avoid surgery, please do, as it is without doubt the most difficult method of weightloss.

[hashbrownnofilter]

Attila, I had a pretty good childhood overall. My mum, I think struggled with having a teenager and I am not sure she liked me very much then. I think she preferred my much better behaved sister but I never know how much of my thinking is true versus my self esteem. She has early onset dementia now so we never really had a chance to heal over that stage. She defintely does not like me as her carer but I know that is the illness.
Pocketsaviour, I am trying to avoid the surgery as I knew it would not be easy. I watched an old colleague of mine deal with hers. for what you have been through.
I really cannot afford a counsellor. We are on such a tight budget and I only have my running shoes/ walking boots thanks to my dad. Money being this tight is temporary but it will be another six months or so until we are on track. If I could just do something until then I would defintely get a counsellor.

[cheerfullady]

No expert but understand where you're coming from, I've recently found some self-motivation to shed some of the excess weight I've been carrying and get more active, and I know it's hard. Counseling definitely sounds the way to go - can you talk to GP about getting on the waiting list to see someone on the NHS? I suggest having a read of Susie Orbach's book 'On Eating' - it's a tiny wee book so pretty quick and easy to read, but I genuinely found it helped me get my head around common reasons for over-eating and strategies to overcome it. Of course if there are more deepseated issues going on then counseling is going to be the best route, but as something you could do today/tomorrow it's worth a read.

Also have a look at your local library website/in person if you can as I know our local one has a 'Reading Well book son prescription' which recommends books specifically on boosting self esteem.

Good luck!

[RickOShay]

Try and talk to yourself like you are your best friend. Imagine if she was having a wobble right now, what would you say to her? Then direct it towards yourself, and allow yourself to believe it. Do not feel scared. It is okay.

[pocketsaviour]

Just a thought but you could see if there are any Overeaters Anonymous near you. They are free to attend although you're asked to make a donation when you can afford to.

Obviously this won't help with the self-esteem issues but it could help you break those bad habits of self-soothing with food.

Maybe something you could try for now on the self-esteem side is to start with some positive affirmations. Every day at bedtime, say something (out loud!) that you're pleased about. EG "I'm really happy with myself today for getting such a good score on my review at work." or "Even though DC had a tantrum today I dealt with it calmly."

If you have a slip up you can also say "I didn't stick to my eating plan today, but it's okay. I'm not stupid or lazy or disgusting. I am a human being who makes mistakes like everyone else, and this is a process. Tomorrow will be better."

[FinallyHere]

Here is an approach that worked for me www.eatingless.com

Simple, but definitely not easy. Interestingly, one element of it is that we can build self esteem exactly but treating ourselves well, which includes feeding ourselves well.

Hope you find what works for you xx

[hashbrownnofilter]

Thank you all. I am going to call my gp tomorrow and see if I can get any help through there.
Pocket saviour I checked overeaters anonymous but there is nothing close by unfotunately. I have downloaded the orbach book and will have a look at the eating less site. I will try the affirmations tonight but I think I will struggle a bit there. I have managed to just eat normally today which took herculean effort but oh is home now so when dd is in bed I will try and tell him how I feel.
It is good to know I am not the only one at least.
Rick.. I have tried that for 10 minutes before I came back here and I really find it very hard to accept. I will keep trying.
Thank You too everyone who has suggested ideas on this thread.

[pocketsaviour]

With the affirmations, you do feel really stupid at first. Maybe do it in the shower so nobody can hear you at first

I originally tried affirmations like "I am a beautiful person" or "The universe loves me" but I found them much too woo-woo and wishy-washy, so that's why I started picking specific, objective things that I could focus on. It gets much easier as you go on, as well.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

This online course helped me a lot with emotional eating about, oh, maybe as much as ten years ago ShrinkYourself

[NamasteGirl]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate as I have a long history of self esteem struggles too, but I've overcome it a lot with the following:

• instead of thinking about what you DONT like about yourself, think about what you DO like. Do this every day.
  

• see a counsellor to identify the source and get some help to move past it. I can't afford private counselling and have six free NHS sessions whenever I need to work through an element of trouble, whether it be my dad, my mum, school etc. it all helps get things clearer in my head.
  

• try to be your own best friend and practise self compassion. We don't expect anyone else to be perfect, so we shouldn't be so mean to ourselves either. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
  

• you could try yoga and meditation. Both of these have helped me find more calm and peace in my life and yoga feels really good.
  

• there is a book called the Restful Mind. It's my bible. I have chronic anxiety and this book changed my life- it encourages you to look at things more calmly and compassionately, and to have a happier more peaceful mindset.
  

I hope you feel better soon.

[Laladeepsouth]

OP, I don't really have any specific advice beyond the good advice that others posters have given here -- just wanted to also let you know that you're not alone in this struggle. (A recent thread "Hating myself" beginning 14/05/15 has helped me realize that this feeling is shared by many of us.) So much mental and emotional energy is wasted attempting to fight off this chronic mindset that it's understandable that you want to find comfort (food) as a way of temporarily escaping the hurtful thoughts. I really hope that you can find a way to feel better and accomplish your goals.

[RickOShay]

I agree with pocket. If you start saying how wonderful you are, you feel like a fraud and a wally. I say things like 'it is okay for me to feel like this'. One thing I have found helpful is also to validate how I felt about things in the past, it was ok for me to have those feelings and thoughts. Basically it is okay to be you, imperfect and human.

[CaptainWentworth]

I've been seeing a counsellor for various issues that are mainly rooted in low self esteem- one book she gave me which has really helped is called 'Overcoming low self esteem' - I can't remember the author but it will be obvious if you search for it on Amazon.

I found it really made a lot of sense in explaining how low self esteem can develop, and more importantly, what you can do to start to feel better. It's basically a structured self help approach full of really simple but helpful exercises.

I've also found meditation really good for making me feel calmer and stopping me getting into massive spirals of how awful I feel and how much I hate myself- I've been using the Headspace app on my iPhone, which is really easy to use as it guides you through it.

Sending you hugs and hope you start feeling better soon

[hashbrownnofilter]

Sorry for slow return, poorly dd all night and so time got away from me. Plus side, child run around means I have been too busy to think let alone binge. I have tried the affirmations. I defintely felt stupid but I will keep trying. I'm noting the other two books mentioned for next week. I called the doctor and made an appointment for next week so hopefully that will go somewhere.
Last night I kept bracing myself to show my oh but kept wimping out. Once I had dd in bed tonight I showed him this instead. He read it and then said he was sorry. That was it. I know I have sprung it on him but was I wrong to expect something a bit more? He has wandered off now to watch mad men. I am hoping this is just a panic reaction but it is making me apprehensive about raising this again with him.

[GoatsDoRoam]

I can relate to your OP.

I am glad to see that you are doing couch to 5k (well done!), because the single thing that keeps me from drowning in those feelings of self-hatred is regular exercise: it completely alters my mood, and my way of seeing the world. Endorphins etc.

Other things that help:

• meditation.
  
• social time with good, supportive people.
  
• stopping negative thoughts in their tracks, and replacing them with other thoughts (have some back-ups prepared; anything that's external to you will do. Recite a poem in your head. Whatever.). Practicing mindfulness meditation will actually help you with this: you'll become more used to "noticing" your thoughts, so that you can quickly replace them with something else.
  
• Kill any rumination dead in its tracks, especially. Rumination is the deadly spiral downwards.
  
• positive affirmation tapes as you go to sleep.
  
• You will know which are your most standard, venomous thoughts. Have handy replacements / distractions for these, especially. Thoughts that seem like a fitting antidote. So for example, if you're used to thinking "I hate myself", replace it with something more positive and that you also sincerely believe, such as "I trust myself". If you're used to thinking self-sabotaging things before you head out for a run, instead ask yourself "How can I be good to myself right now?".
  
• Get in the habit of praising yourself. For example, you had a bad run, in your view. But goddammit, you put on your shoes and went out there!

[GoatsDoRoam]

Your close relationships don't sound entirely healthy, OP, and that can't be helping your mindset either.

You say you are your mother's carer? And that she dislikes you and always has? Perhaps being her carer is not the best thing you could be doing for yourself. Consider alternatives for her care. Your wellbeing is important.

Your husband also sounds unsupportive. Do you feel cherished and respected by him generally?

[hashbrownnofilter]

I am going to go back to your advice posts in a minute goats but I wanted to say he is a great partner! Kind, funny, smart and generally supportive.He has just panicked here I think! I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt for now!
My mum. I cannot say for sure that she always has. Her dementia is rife with hating people and paranoia which I obviously take a lot of flak on. I care for her while my dad is at work. She qualifies for very little help and we cannot afford much more. Unfortunately it is a sad state of affairs where she is too sick for a good quality of life or independant living but not far gone enough for more help yet. I feel fairly impervious to her as her carer (she blames me for migrants dying and her lack of a date with michael buble to give you an idea of where this weeks hate comes from) and I could never step away from her as it would leave my dad with no real support. Past issues with her might be a source to some of my stuff but I could not step away right now.

[RickOShay]

Hash, please keep going with the affirmations, it takes ages - years for it to feel okay, but it is the thing (for me) that has made the biggest difference to how I feel about myself. Also do you feel any guilt with your Mum? Just wanted to say that her illness is not your fault or hers. Try to surround yourself with a ready brek glow when you see her, the more you feel okay with yourself, the easier you will find her, and everything else actually.
Shine a light on your fears, don't let them fester in the dark, bring them out and see them for what they are.