Dead Horse?

[knittyknora]

Hello,

I'm not really sure what this is going to achieve but I would appreciate a bit of a "Hive mind" to get a little perspective on a relationship issue I'm having at the moment.

I've been in a relationship with DH for 8 years, no kids and the majority of the time we get on great.

DH has always struggled socially and around a year or so ago, developed a friendship with a couple of colleagues. We had had our ups and downs, as any relationship does, and DH started to behave secretively. My suspicions were much later confirmed (not by DH's admission I might add) and that it had resulted in a 6month emotional and physical affair with one of the colleagues as well as a physical relationship with an ex. So many lies unraveled that I did not know who DH had become.

The "Truth" put me into a depression that I received medication for and I was off work for 6 months

We decided to put the past behind us and try and rebuild the relationship and moved away to a different town for a fresh start.

Now, I'm not as emotionally literate as DH and have not had a great experience at discussing my feelings in the past, on a spectrum of emotional range, mine tends to be quite narrow and DH's quite broad. I'm finding it hard to rebuild trust and the affairs have had a complicated effect on me that I don't really understand. I find myself snapping at DH over trivial little things, it's not a conscious decision to take it out on him, it's just that my irritation threshold for him is a lot more sensitive. I deal with negative emotions and anger in short, sharp bursts and then return to normal, this has the opposite effect on DH, whom these have a culminative effect and are really starting to cause problems.

I am financially supporting us both and I'm starting to feel a little suspicious about him again. I have reason to believe he's looking to move out when financially able and that he keeps looking at the(affair) colleague's Facebook page.

Am I flogging a dead horse?

[strawberryshoes]

I think you need to call it a day.

He is looking at her Facebook profile, to rebuild trust he should be totally no contact.

Get out before you are hurt again, your gut is unlikely to be wrong.

[Lurgano]

You dont have to rebuild trust - he has to earn it.

Of course you are suspicious - it is a natural gut reaction - a survival instinct when your reality was turned up side down by deceit and betrayal.

Couples counselling together would help you heal and unravel - would he be up for that?

[molyholy]

Trust your instincts OP. Also, if you think he is just hanging around until he can afford to moved out, he is using you. You deserve better.

[WingedWoman]

You sound highly emotionally literate to me.
And very hurt. I suspect there will be plenty of posters saying run, fast, especially as there are no kids in the mix, but for a better transition it might be worth considering couples counselling with the aim and intention as you've said, to decide whether there's anything worth saving. Living in this limbo must be miserable. X

[Lurgano]

I am in a similar situation - the only way you can put the past behind you is to pull it out into the open for honest and thorough examination - otherwise the rebuilding is only superficial and is on sand and will not be sustainable. It needs both parties to commit to this for it to work. It is very painful and exhausting.

[pocketsaviour]

I agree counselling might be worth a go.

I have reason to believe he's looking to move out when financially able Is this just based on internet history though? I have an addiction to RightMove and use it kind of like window shopping, even though I have no plans to move in the near future.

However if he's put himself on estate agents lists, etc, that's more ominous.

He does need to accept that he needs to win your trust back rather than just expecting it to magically appear. Does he understand this?

[knittyknora]

I don't think he's on any estate agent lists but it undermines how secure I feel in this relationship.

I think he understands about the trust, it's just that because we don't speak about the affairs (which, tbh, aren't exactly jolly memories for either of us) then it must have all gone away. I don't understand why I snap at him and most of the arguments are around that, rather than anything of substance.

[Cabrinha]

You don't understand why you snap at him?
Because he's an utter shit who cheated on you TWICE, refuses to discuss it and is sponging of you maybe?
I'd snap.

Who has told you this crap about him being more emotionally literate than you? What does that even mean?

Totally agree with PP that he has to earn the trust, it's not your job to rebuild it. Why DID you decide to put two affairs behind us? Lucky for him, huh?

You're snapping because in there there's a bit of you that isn't too downtrodden by his shit to want to get out. Listen to that. And let him get Ms Facebook colleague to pay his way.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I am sure you were genuine when you say you wanted to try again but I wonder why you were confident you could trust him again after so many falsehoods.

Your DH had not one but two physical affairs with others. He may or may not be sorry he hurt you, is he sorry for his actions?

I think the fact you found out about it not through his coming clean and confessing is significant.

Nowadays when you are irked by him you snap. It’s a normal reaction after what he put you through. If you don't see much if any remorse you haven't got the security of thinking, it's all behind us, we can move on.

Now you are getting suspicious again. Your intuition was right the last time.

Did you ever wonder why if he was having affairs he didn’t want to initiate divorce? Perhaps because then he would be the bad guy in front of your families and your confidants. The alternative was to relocate with you, start afresh, but actually line his ducks up in a row and get you to look like the unstable snippy DW.

[Jan45]

You snap at him because he has shat on you twice from a very high height, this is not love I'm afraid, he's using you for convenience, if you had left him the first time he massively let you down I bet your head would be a lot clearer and better thinking - you feel torn and snappy because you are with the wrong man.

[Cherryapple1]

So he has 2 affairs (which you know of) - you are not allowed to be upset or mention them. He is still being secretive - but you are emotionally illiterate so it isn't his fault at all. And to add insult to injury he is a cocklodger too?

Blimey - he's done a right number on you hasn't he. Get rid darling - you deserve so much more than this excuse of a man.

[Whatamayday]

Why is he not working? He must get a lot of time to do those things you suspect he is doing. Trust yourself.

[TummyButtonFluff]

You sound emotionally literate to me too. Your snapping is the anger you are trying to repress.

[RubbishMantra]

You come across as emotionally literate to me too. Did he tell you that you weren't?

What's his reason for not working?

He's taking the total piss checking up on a woman he had an affair with via social media. I'm not surprised you're angry, I'd be furious, and hurt. And I'd kick him out.