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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Advice needed

13 replies

Feelingsad2015 · 20/05/2015 00:55

I have been with my husband for 25 years and have teenage kids. We have arguments...he gets angry and frustrated with me and storms off leaving me confused and scared that he won't come back. We split up six weeks ago after a stupid communication problem but are still living together as " housemates". Another incident last week where I asked a personal question when I shouldn't have done has left us not talking at all despite resolving that particular issue. He thinks I trip him up, set traps for him and deliberately set about causing problems. I love him deeply and still want to make a go of things but I am beginning to feel there is little point as he doesn't believe I am being truthful. Any suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:

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goddessofsmallthings · 20/05/2015 01:33

From the brief description you've given in your OP, your h sounds both paranoid and controlling.

When should you have asked the "personal question"? Has he laid down set times during which you're allowed to ask certain questions and not others?

What effect does the toxic atmosphere in your home have on your dc? When your h "storms off" are they scared he won't return, or are they praying he doesn't? How do you feel about having to put up with his nonsense when they've have flown the nest?

I very much doubt that joint counselling is either appropriate for your situation or that it would achieve anything other than to eat up money that could be more profitably spent on other things, such as a polygraph machine that you can hook yourself up to permanently in an attempt to persuade him that you are telling the truth... or a divorce which will benefit all concerned.

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FredaMayor · 20/05/2015 12:36

'Loving him deeply' shouldn't mean sacrificing yourself on his altar. You paint a picture of manipulation and domination on his part. My suggestion is radical - develop a strategy to stop letting him do it and stop apologising to him. Do whatever is necessary, for instance moving out yourself or moving him out, so that his learned behaviour is disrupted and you can begin to communicate in a civilised way without the bullying.

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Justusemyname · 20/05/2015 12:38

My advice would be to make sure he's off the step before you slam the door as he leaves. You're married to a controlling abusive prick from your OP.

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Cherryapple1 · 20/05/2015 12:45

blimey - get rid. Living as housemates is all his idea isn't it? Tell him to leave and now. Get a good solicitor and start standing up to his abuse.

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hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2015 14:04

Living as housemates
Haha - who's idea was that?
Do you still get to wash his skiddy undies and cook and clean for him?
Bet you do!
Stop doing that now.
If you house shared you would expect the other person to do their own stuff.
He's got it sussed.
The little woman is in another room keeping quiet, looking after all my needs, running around trying to win him back.
This is just feckin' winding me up!
Stop it.
Stop pandering to this arsehole of a man.
No more cooking, shopping, tidying, making his beds, washing his clothes, washing his plates, buying the presents for his relatives etc... It all stops now!

Bless you though - please contact Womens Aid and talk to them about all of this. They can help you see what abusive behaviour this is and get you an exit plan.

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goddessofsmallthings · 20/05/2015 14:46

Living together as "housemates" means you're free to lead your own life without reference to anyone else and it also means you get to have your own room, with a lock on the door if others can't be trusted to enter it in your absence.

Do you have your own room; a precious sanctuary that is uncontaminated by the poisonous atmosphere your h creates when he's at home?

Do you have real life friends to go out and about with, or supportive family members who are there for you (and each other) in times of need?

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Feelingsad2015 · 20/05/2015 14:48

The sad thing is that he is OK most of the time. It's only when he gets worked up about something he blows which is only a few times a year. It's the fall out afterwards, the silence, sulking, brooding that is actually worse. He has unresolved childhood issues which he can't face and I think he walks out as he is scared of what he might do (he has never been violent towards me or the kids). The "housemates" thing I think is because he can't face being on his own but he just won't show his softer side towards me which is all I really want....to be loved and appreciated. I think he just doesn't know how to handle himself. We had a counselling session last week where the counsellor told him his angry behaviour was detrimental so maybe he will realise what he is doing to me and himself.

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PoppyField · 20/05/2015 15:05

You are not responsible for his childhood issues. He should not take it out on you and the dcs. He may well be scared of what he might do - what about you though? It's all about him isn't it. Really... do you get a say? Do you get to have issues or does the whole house have to share the burden of his controlling strops? He is behaving badly and then blaming you for it. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour.

Your life does not have to be lived second-guessing him, treading on eggshells waiting for his next outburst, wondering when would be the 'right' time to ask him a question...

You are a human being. An equal human being with a right to live free from fear and retribution.

Housemates - bollocks! That suggests you might be friends - but if a friend treated you like this you would tell them to get lost wouldn't you? Don't be his housemate. If he can't love and appreciate you like you deserve - and he can't or won't take responsibility for his shitty behaviour - then he needs to live somewhere else.

Of course his angry behaviour is 'detrimental.' It's more than that, it's unacceptable. And I think if you have another counselling session with him (although I really don't think joint counselling is constructive in this (abusive) situation) then lay it on the line -tell him his behaviour is awful and if he doesn't stop then your marriage is seriously at stake. It is ultimatum time.

p.s. you may love him deeply, but he dismisses you and your feelings. Not love and respect. More like contempt. Don't put up with it OP, you are worth so much more than this.

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hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2015 15:20

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book - why does he do that? link here
It might help you to see what is going on.

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Cabrinha · 20/05/2015 15:39

You've been with him 25 YEARS and still blaming his childhood?

And it's only a few times a YEAR that he's an utter arsehole?

You could get a far more pleasant housemate you know.

You poor thing.

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goddessofsmallthings · 20/05/2015 17:33

Exactly what PoppyField has said.

How did he react to what the counsellor said? Was the session before or after you asked the personal question when you shouldn't have done?

When is the the next session due to take place?

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Feelingsad2015 · 20/05/2015 18:13

The session was the night before and I think he was a bit shocked. He listened to the counsellor but I'm not sure if he made any verbal response. We had agreed not to discuss anything important if we had had a drink and I forgot about this. I thought we had resolved the issue the following morning but he was angry when he got home from work....at least he verbalised his feelings this time and he didn't walk off but due to work commitments we haven't seen each other for four days as he is away. next session isn't due for another week.

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Feelingsad2015 · 23/05/2015 23:19

Thanks for so many replies but they made me feel even worse as I hadn't considered this to be a form of DV. It opened my eyes to my situation but I still wish for my relationship to work. Has anyone heard of " irritable male syndrome" as my dh fits the bill perfectly for this. maybe I'm just clutching at straws now but I'm not quite ready to give up on him.