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When DP's not being actively nasty...but can't see the hurt he is causing. Is this me or him?

(7 Posts)
pleasetomeetyou Tue 19-May-15 12:47:05

What to do when DP's not being nasty as such... but just oblivious to the hurt he is causing? I don't know if these things are normal anymore...maybe they are and i'm being over-sensitive.

- DP can rarely be upfront about anything, and when I 'dig' to find out the truth, he will say he did't tell me because he didn't want to upset me/cause conflict. This happens about various things, big and small. We have spoken abut it LOADS, but he won't stop. I'm starting to think this is what most women deal with in any relationship, as he doesn't seem to think the impact is has on me is justified.

- We make plans for the future then I will find later on that he's been looking into jobs in Scotland, or looking at going to a festival on the dates we had discussed going on holiday. When I get annoyed at this, he says that is the reason he can't deal with telling me upfront.

- When something is happening in my life...heath wise, etc, or anything else reasonably important, he seems to give quite an indifferent impression towards me...he says the right things but it is as if he is doing so because in some way he knows it is the right thing to do...rather than coming from his heart.

Am I being over-sensitive here? He seems to have changed so much recently and perhaps it is me being over-analytical of his behaviour. I can't help feelign hurt though, and feel like I need a very thick skin to be with him.

Hoppinggreen Tue 19-May-15 12:50:23

It sounds like he's detaching from you

Jan45 Tue 19-May-15 13:11:32

Did you not post already, look, if you feel he is not considering your feelings, then he probably isn't, if he can't, then maybe you can't continue with him.

pocketsaviour Tue 19-May-15 16:11:46

Did you post thread about him?

Whether you did or didn't, his behaviour is showing you that he no longer values your relationship. I'd be making plans to move on, myself.

pocketsaviour Tue 19-May-15 16:12:07

Link fail, sorry. Try this one
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2381718-DP-lies-and-claims-to-do-so-because-of-me-How-can-I-change

nicenewdusters Tue 19-May-15 18:23:01

What's on the positives list about this man ? Anything ?

MistressDeeCee Wed 20-May-15 00:36:04

Of course he isn't oblivious to the hurt he's causing. he knows you, and he has eyes and ears. It really, really is horrible to hear but if a man is future-faking you and doesn't particularly want you, as harsh as it is you just have to take heed. He is indifferent to you because thats how he wants to be.

Perhaps one day he really will take a job in Scotland, who knows. Either way, its another aspect showing that you and your relationship aren't what he is particularly invested in. He wants to leave..but, maybe not yet. One day something or someone will come along that he deems more exciting, and then thats it. Pastures new.

In your shoes Id bail out first. Don't let him batter down your self-esteem any further or you will regret it. Never love somebody more than you love yourself, or minimise the hurt they're causing you. Yes it may be hard, gut wrenching, upsetting to leave but if you stay then you're going to suffer emotional turbulence anyway. If he leaves you first, then your pain will be compounded.

You said that he'd changed...unless that means he is invested in your togetherness, is making solid plans with you, and you now feel loved and confident then it doesn't amount to much. I hope you find some way to get throught this, because its a shit way to live. No man is worth it.

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