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Brothers new wife is unhinged...what should I do?

(127 Posts)
auntyjj Tue 19-May-15 12:25:44

My brother got married to a very yong woman in her early twenties who's still at university. She's young eve for her age, she's an Arab who was home schooled and is not very well socialised. I met her for the first time this week when they visited and she seemed like a sweet girl, a bit self obsessed and a bit of a show off, but very young and I thought harmless.

So my sister was putting them up for the past week, and last night she arranged a BBQ as my Dad was off away and it was our chance to have a family party. My sister went to a fair amount of trouble as the new wife has very particular dietary requirements.

So anyway, my brother and his wife went out for the day and never showed up to the BBQ. When we phoned them two hours after the BBQ started we were told they weren't coming as they were having dinner with someone else.

So when they got back to my sister's, my sister told my brother it had been rude not to show up and an argument between by brother and sister started. At this point the new wife interject and tells my sister (who's 10 years older) to not speak to her husband that way. My sister asked her to stay out of it. The new wife said she had "preferred lebanese food" and that if going to parties was a condition of staying there, they would stay elsewhere. My sister told her to go right ahead and could not believe how rude she was being.

So then they showed up at my Mums house at midnight. I was there as I am staying with Mum right now as my Dad is going away and Mum is scared on her own.

They came in and the new wife, who's a good 20 years younger than me sat there and told me my sister would "pay the consequences for her actions" and that she was a bitch, and a snake and all sorts of mad things. I could not believe she was sitting there saying those things to me about my sister, especially in front of my 65 year old Mum who was in stunned silence.

I very calmly listened to her and then said "well actually, I do agree it's very rude to now show up to a party you've agreed to come to when you are a guest in someone's home and not even telephone to let your hosts know".

At that, the new wife jumped up, got right on top of me, physically on top of me, pointing her finger in my face and said "keep your opinions to yourself eh sweetheart". It was like Jeremy Kyle! I had only met her once before a few days ago!

She then stormed out to a hotel and is now refusing to come back unless we "show her some respect". My brother is siding with the new wife, my Mum is devastated and horrified at how the new wife attacked me and doesn't want to not see my brother anymore but the wife is clearly completely mad.

How to handle this?

auntyjj Tue 19-May-15 12:27:33

Sorry, I should say my brother lives overseas in the middle east and this is our first time meeting the wife. They are visiting and were staying with my sister and her husband.

auntyjj Tue 19-May-15 12:29:52

Oh and my Mum sent a text this morning to my brother, saying he could come and stay with her but she did not want any more of that in her house and my brother replied that was fine but he "expected his wife to be respected as she is a guest"

:-O

My Mum's so upset.

NickiFury Tue 19-May-15 12:32:43

shock

I don't know what else to say, sorry not at all helpful. I would more than likely have shoved slapped if she'd been physical like that with me but I know that's not everyone's cup of tea.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 19-May-15 12:36:30

well she sounds awful but your brother is also the one being incredibly rude and entitled so since he's the one actually related to you id focus on that.

Your mum needs to stand up to his incredibly entitled behaviour and say he should have gone to his sisters party as they were staying there.

Frankly I'd just drop the pair of them. When someone (your brother) acts like this it's rarely a surprise and id bet money he's been indulged for years.

It's no wonder he went and married a spoilt princess. Don't facilitate his behaviour any longer, you're mum shouldnt be offering them to stay - that's just wet.

BluebeardsSidekick Tue 19-May-15 12:37:29

There's nothing much you can do except tell your brother that you'll be there for him when it all hits the fan. Other than that, keep your distance from the woman.

Don't entertain her and if she appears at the same place as you and you really, really can't escape her then just totally ignore her. She sounds like she's used to being the centre of attention and getting her own way. It's hard to be the focus of attention when other people act like you simply aren't there.

You don't need to encourage, respect or even acknowledge shitty behaviour.

KleineDracheKokosnuss Tue 19-May-15 12:37:53

So she physically attacked you? Tell her she's lucky that you haven't called the police and that unless she can behave she is not welcome.
If your brother wants to side with his wife, that's up to him, but please don't fall into the role of forgiving such behaviour in order to 'keep everyone happy'. If she is that disrespectful and violent, you don't need her in your life.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Tue 19-May-15 12:38:13

Christ almighty! Can't your brother see that physically attacking his sister is over the line?!

Sorry, not very helpful. All three of you need to present a united front and firmly explain that this kind of behaviour on any future visits will result in their both being asked to leave.

Mariacbw Tue 19-May-15 12:39:15

OMG I'm speechless! That is crazy behaviour!!
You need to speak to your brother, what's his opinion on all of this. Regardless of cultural differences / being young for her age she is an adult who shpuld know better. Your poor mum shouldn't have to experience that.
I hope your brother stands up to his wife and says it's unacceptable to speak treat his family in that way

sebsmummy1 Tue 19-May-15 12:39:48

I know it's awful but I chuckled, she sounds brilliantly dreadful.

sonjadog Tue 19-May-15 12:40:20

I think you treat her politely but firmly. If she is rude or threatening, you tell her clearly that her behaviour is not acceptable. If she then storms off then let her go. Try not to let yourselves react to her outbursts.

It might be that she is young and very naive and has a lot of growing up to do. She is also newly married and is finding her feet there and maybe she is trying to be a good wife by sticking by your brother. Unfortunately her attempts are extremely misguided.

Try to get through this visit the best you can, don't close down communication with your brother and see how things work out in future. If her behaviour is grounded in immaturity, maybe she will do better next time.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 19-May-15 12:46:18

I think they need to be left to cool in the skin they got hot in.

Everyone has made their position clear so either things are smoothed over today or they need to find somewhere else to stay. If the go elsewhere, offer to meet up with them on neutral territory before they leave

I would keep saying to them that you are not discussing g things further if they bring it up but that their behaviour was not acceptable. Just use the stuck record technique.

Hopefully they will cool off when they get home and your brother will realise what a pair of dicks they were

A word of warning: my DH is friends with someone from a similar culture. They turned up unannounced with their DC when I had a 13 month old and a 1 month old. I was exclusively expression and just recovering from mastitis. I was also in my pjs and it was 7pm. They wanted to come in for a drink and thought we could spend the evening together. DH let them in but after half an hour said it really wasn't convenient and could we arrange to see them another time.

They were mortally offended (DH was very polite) and have only just started speaking to DH again. They ignore me - I don't care grin. Apparently we massively disrespected them and their culture is all about "respect" and "face".

Thankfully DH and I fully agree that we come from a culture where we want our DC to go to bed at 7pm so we don't care

Hoppinggreen Tue 19-May-15 12:49:05

I think that you avoid them until they go home and the just send Christmas and Birthday cards.
Part of the problem is your brother, he should have made it very clear to his wife that her behaviour was unacceptable.

Lottapianos Tue 19-May-15 12:51:27

'please don't fall into the role of forgiving such behaviour in order to 'keep everyone happy'. If she is that disrespectful and violent, you don't need her in your life.'

THIS. This this this this this this. The pressure in these situations to 'keep the peace' can be overwhelming. Don't do it. Her behaviour was disgusting and its very worrying that your brother is taking her side so resolutely. Stand up for yourself.

DrMorbius Tue 19-May-15 12:53:30

Auntyjj - Are you of a ME background? Is your brother seen as the "man" of the family?

Meerka Tue 19-May-15 12:54:23

"expected his wife to be respected as she is a guest"

Answer: "your wife is expected to behave like a guest and to conform to good manners. That does not include slagging off your own sister or a near-physical assault on another sister.

We will always be there for you if your life becomes unbearable. I am your mother and will never stop loving you".

If this is what she considers acceptable behaviour, it is possible that any children they have are going to have a bad time sad Your brother doesn't seem to be putting up boundaries of behaviour here.

GoatsDoRoam Tue 19-May-15 12:54:36

Your brother's behaviour is just as problematic here.

I think the way to handle it is to stay away from both of them, for now, and see what develops. Clearly neither of them is open to reason for the time being.

MadeMan Tue 19-May-15 12:57:05

Seems like your mum needs to box a few ears.

YellowTulips Tue 19-May-15 13:00:03

The issue is actually with your brother.

The fact he thinks his wife's behaviour is acceptable is shocking, but whilst he sides with her there will be nothing you can do - apart from wait until he comes to his senses.

I'd email him and say your happy to hear from him by phone/email and wish him well but you are not prepared to have any further contact with his wife. It's understandable that he wants her to be treated with respect, but that has to be reciprocated. Verbally abusing your sister and assaulting you is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.

QueenofallIsee Tue 19-May-15 13:03:35

I would have scalped the bitch so fair play to you for your calm response.

I would not engage with the wife again, just state to your brother that you don't expect to be physically accosted by his wife for disagreeing with her, that her threatening your sister was disgraceful and has devastated your Mother, if he wishes her to be to be treated with respect then an apology is in order. the end

jonrotten Tue 19-May-15 13:04:03

Wow. Just WOW.

She's erm.....hard work isn't she? No advice, sorry, but I am just stunned by her behaviour.

auntyjj Tue 19-May-15 13:05:25

Thanks you all for the responses. To clarify, she did not touch me, I was laying down on the sofa and she leaped off the other sofa, ran around to me and got on top off me and wagged her finger in my face VERY aggressively and told me "keep your opinions to yourself SWEEETHEART" in a snarl. It was beyond belief, honestly.

My brother said "you've done it now JJ" and left the room while she continued to verbally attack me.

He sees absolutely NOTHING wrong about her behavior, he is telling us that my sister had no right at all to question them showing up at the party, and that I had no right to comment on any of it. He is demanding that we show some respect to his wife who he believes to be our honoured guest.

Yes, my brother has always been a knob. Prone to rages like that of his own, to the point no one wants him as a house guest and Mum is petrified of him. He is prone to this behavior and long before he was married he was my house guest for a couple of weeks and when I requested that he stop eating the ingredients for our dinner that I;d left out on the side every morning for my cooking, and instead take what was in the fridge, he called me a "fat useless loser". He is very entitled, believes he is superior to all of us and admits openly he dislikes his family.

We barely speak to him, which is sad, because we love him and it upsets my Mum very much.

We were hoping his new wife would have calmed him down, but she appears to be the same but 1000 times worse!!!

I just have no idea what to do. I am supposed to o home now so he can come and stay with My Mum but I'm scared to leave them with her. My Mum is very soft and gentle and Dad's away.

auntyjj Tue 19-May-15 13:06:54

Also to reply, no I am not of a ME background, but we were raised in one due to our father's job. We all came back to England when we turned 18 but my brother never came back and has always been in a ME way of life. He does have very funny ideas on how to treat people. His behavior to myself and my sister in particular has always been absolutely appalling.

YellowTulips Tue 19-May-15 13:08:38

Well frankly I'd stop pandering to the pair of them.

Sorry but your brother sounds like a twat.

Let them stay in a hotel and don't put up with any more crap.

People behave like this because other people let them.....

GoatsDoRoam Tue 19-May-15 13:10:55

Do you want a relationship with your brother?

I don't mean, would you like a relationship if he were a kinder nicer man. Do you want a relationship with the man that he actually is? The one who calls you a fat useless loser?

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