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aibu?

(6 Posts)
ziggletttwiglett Tue 19-May-15 08:59:30

Ok so long story as short as possible...

OH took out a loan to pay off existing debt which he had mounted up before we got together..
He told me this loan would leave us over a £1000 is money for ourselves. I agreed to the loan because the payment would be the same as what he was already paying out and it would give us some much needed extra money as I'm currently on mat leave but no longer being paid...

Well turns out he lied to me about how much debt he had and it actually leaves us with nothing.
Through arguing about this he then admitted to me that he has been lying to me about things like watching porn etc for the last few years. Even though he promised me he would stop or at the least be honest with me about it.

Now I really really hate lying!!! It's completely broken any trust I had left and now to be quite honest I don't know how to react...
He wants me to give him another chance (I feel I've given him plenty in the past)

But what am I supposed to do?

I mean finding all this out has really hit me. I already struggle to cope with things which he is fully aware of.
I feel like I'm past the point in talking and don't really want to be with him anymore.

But he keeps telling me I can't leave him he doesn't want to live without me and the baby And that he doesnt mean to upset me its not like hes trying to hurt me. And that he thinks he had a problem with the porn but has stopped now. Hes all full of promise that everything will be open, bank accounts phones etc.. nothing hidden.

Should I believe him? Is he in the right?

Aibu to want to leave? Would I be unreasonable to leave him?

Any advice on what I can do if I don't leave him?

I'm so confused and things are so much harder when there is a LO to think about..

Tia x

gamerchick Tue 19-May-15 09:04:58

The lies never end ime... I'm sorry man sad

Can you afford to pay off the loan on top of the debts he's probably not told you the whole truth about yet?

gamerchick Tue 19-May-15 09:12:26

An have you physically seen where the loan has gone and not took his word for it?

FenellaFellorick Tue 19-May-15 09:16:58

I posted on your other thread before seeing your post that you were going to ask in relationships instead. It's probably not terribly useful to you, but here it is -

click here

That's another thread going atm with a woman who lives with a habitual liar.

You may find yourself nodding along in agreement. Sometimes when it's someone else's situation you're reading, you may be able to think what would be best for them to do - then you have that lightbulb moment for yourself! At the very least, you know you are not alone.

He cannot tell you that you cannot leave him. He does not have the right to tell you that. You can do whatever you please and that includes leaving him if that is your choice. He needs to understand that.

Lying is about control, basically. Controlling information, controlling outcome, controlling interactions. It's about winning and it's about avoiding conflict.

ziggletttwiglett Tue 19-May-15 09:23:26

Yes I've been reading it thank you.

There isn't really a way back from it is there? I guess I don't have many options.

FenellaFellorick Tue 19-May-15 09:46:03

You do have options, it's just that they aren't very nice ones. In life, we often find that our choices are shitty crap 1 or shitty crap 2. It would be lovely if our choices were between lovely thing 1 or lovely thing 2, and it would be easy if our choices were between amazing thing A or crappy pile of shit B.

But that's not the way it works. Normally it's a case of pick your pain.

You have to choose what is going to hurt you the least, what you can best live with and what is best for you and the child who looks to you to see what type of adult to become.

thanks

It's all fairly crap, but all you can do is your best.

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