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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feeling uncomfortable with DH cousin's cuddles

48 replies

ILovedThe90s · 18/05/2015 18:48

At the weekend, DH and I were visiting his Aunt and his cousins. His Aunt's not been well with a recent hospital admission so went with the kids to see how she is. His Aunt has been through a lot with her DH, he has mental health issues and left her and the 4 DC without warning a few years back and went to another country to remarry. That didn't work out and he's now living round the corner to them, but only makes contact when it suits him and causes them all sorts of grief when he does. Despite all this, the Aunt and kids only speak well of him which I think shows how lovely they all are. The DC are now all in their 20s.

I just wanted some advice and I feel I can't ask anyone in RL. When we were there, the youngest DD (20) sat on her uncles lap stroking his head and cuddling him. I felt so uncomfortable. Her Aunt didn't say anything. Then later on, she was cuddling up to my DH and stroking his chest. I mentioned to him later on that it made me feel uncomfortable and he said all this stuff about how she's quite needy, and hasn't had a proper father figure in her life etc. I understand she's had it tough, but I felt her behaviour was inappropriate for a 20 yo. I said to DH it's sexual, whichever way she means it, she's young and pretty and it's not appropriate for the man (whoever it is) to encourage it. I'm also thinking about saying to DH that if I see her do that again to him, I will say to her that's it's not appropriate if he doesn't move away. Aibu to say that? Her DM or DB or DS didn't seem to notice. Is it just me? I mentioned it in passing to my SIL and she has also noticed the same and also felt uncomfortable, so it's not just me being jealous, if that's what anyone might think, DH thinks he's being like an older brother that's all, and the uncle as well I'm sure, its just, well felt wrong.

Any advice greatly appreciated. Do I mention things?

OP posts:

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tomanyanimals · 18/05/2015 20:46

It is not right does she have mental health issues like her father though? If not I would tell dh to move away if he doesn't I would mention it and I would only be polite once.

ILovedThe90s · 18/05/2015 21:24

I don't think she has mental health issues, but then I don't know her very well. She seems otherwise very nice. She doesn't cuddle her Mum/Sister/Brothers when I'm there, it's definitely an attention thing

OP posts:

amarmai · 18/05/2015 23:00

not normal behaviour on either part. Needs to stop.

crustsaway · 18/05/2015 23:11

Its very inappropriate and I'd be feeling exactly the same as you. I'd also be weirded out that my husband thought it acceptable.

badbaldingballerina123 · 18/05/2015 23:28

I think it's hugely inappropriate. I think it's your husbands job to firmly shut down this flirtatious behaviour.

ILovedThe90s · 19/05/2015 08:32

I mentioned it last night to DH, that it's not right for her to behave like that but it was up to DH and her uncle to set boundaries, to say this isn't acceptable, by moving away. He didn't agree at first, but I said that of I saw her behave like that again, I would feel I have to say something, and surely it would be better he moved away quietly rather than me mentioning it and embarrassing everyone present? He didn't say anything then, but that means he's taken it onboard

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 19/05/2015 08:40

The first bit about sitting on the uncle's knee and stroking his hair didn't seem weird to me. I'm 25 and still sit on my uncle's or granddad's knee and play with their ears - sensory thing I have done since being released from the womb. It's in no way sexual and I have no mental health needs.

However, when you said about stroking your husband's chest - yes! That's wrong!

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 08:57

That's curious why are ears non-sexual and chest sexual Token? Perhaps the niece would feel exactly the same as you but just doesn't see a chest as any different to ears!

ILovedThe90s · 19/05/2015 11:56

I don't think she means it to be flirtatious but my point to DH was that it made me feel uncomfortable, that it appears as flirtatious and that it shouldn't be encouraged. If it was her Dad, I'd say how sweet it was. Her uncle looks young, maybe late 30s, my DH is also late 30s, this is why it felt wrong. Plus if I had a 20yo attractive male cousin who snuggled up to me, DH would likewise feel very uncomfortable!

OP posts:

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 19:36

It's probably a mixture of a crush and territory-marking.

Rebecca2014 · 19/05/2015 19:54

It is very strange. I am 25 by the way and would never do this, nor would anyone I know. Really sitting on a family member knee when you are a grown woman? attention seeking to the max.

Bluetonic123 · 19/05/2015 22:38

It's a bit odd but I certainly wouldn't take too kindly to being told how I was and wasn't allowed to interact with family and would be appalled if a partner implied that there were sexual undertones.

Tread carefully OP.

TokenGinger · 20/05/2015 15:19

Vivacia - I didn't state that the chest touching was sexual. I said it was wrong. And that's only my opinion; not fact. For me, the stroking of a chest is an intimate act. I rest my head on my DP's chest and stroke his chest hair when I want want intimacy. So to me, it would feel wrong, not because the act in itself is sexual, but because of the desire that drives me to do so.

And again, the ear thing is only my opinion. I'm sure some people have sexual fetishes where ears are involved. For me, it's a sensory issue. I have always sought comfort in playing with ears. Cold ears. I have no idea why but ever since being a child, I've played with an ear and sucked a thumb to fall asleep! The thumb habit stopped in my early teens but I still hold my ear as I fall asleep! I even play with my dog's ears when they are cold - most definitely not sexual for me

Vivacia · 20/05/2015 15:48

So you think the niece stroking the chest is wrong because you find it sexual? But her touching their ears is ok because you don't find it wrong?

Vivacia · 20/05/2015 15:49

I think I'm interpreting your post as advice, when actually you're just giving a bit of context?

ILovedThe90s · 21/05/2015 05:46

Again, I don't think she meant it as sexual. I think she's naive, behaving as if she's a little girl, never had a boyfriend to understand different types of affection and never saw affection from her dad to mum or dad to her, so no understanding of boundaries. Her Uncle and my DH do understand those boundaries though and should be gently reinforcing them, IMO.

So from what everyone was saying, if the Aunt really wasn't bothered about it, and the Uncle saw it only in that above way, then that would be ok I guess. Even though it made me feel uncomfortable.

I'm not telling DH what to do, but I expect him to respect my feelings, and consider how he would feel in the reverse situation. Now that I have made him aware of it, he'll probably feel uncomfortable himself now if it were to happen again.

No I wasn't seeking advice, nor was I just giving context, I was asking for justification for my feeling uncomfortable. If everyone said that this was normal in their families, then I'd have to re-evaluate!!

OP posts:

ILovedThe90s · 21/05/2015 05:48

I'm trying to think it through because if his Aunt has cancer (scan results in a couple of weeks), then we obviously have to be there for them and will see a lot more of them.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 21/05/2015 05:58

I don't see a difference between ears and chest, both are odd behaviour in a grown up. Has no-one ever commented on it token?

parsnipbob · 21/05/2015 06:08

Are they very close? I do this with my uncle

Fugghetaboutit · 21/05/2015 06:09

Ears are an erogenous zone so that's v intimate. I would call you out on that as much as the cousin in the OP.

parsnipbob · 21/05/2015 06:10

Oh I wouldn't stroke uncle's ears or chest. But I do sit on his lap and give him cuddles! We are quite a cuddly family though, my sisters and brother are big cuddlers too.

Vivacia · 21/05/2015 15:38

No I wasn't seeking advice, nor was I just giving context,

My comments were addressed to Token.

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ILovedThe90s · 21/05/2015 20:30

Oh sorry Vivacia

Parsnip how much older than you is is your uncle? See, my uncles are 30 years older, and if I felt like giving them a cuddle or sat on their lap, that's not so bad cos they're like a father figure iyswim? If my uncle/cousin was 10 years older, well, that feels completely different to me. My DH would go ape if I cuddled up to my cousin!

I have no brothers so maybe I see it differently?

OP posts:

StaceyAndTracey · 21/05/2015 20:43

Sorry I think it's weird

Woudl we be ok with men of 25 sitting on their aunts / counsisn lap and stroking / patting them ?

parsnipbob · 21/05/2015 20:59

He's about 15 years older I think!

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