Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What to do?

(66 Posts)
TooFatForDP Mon 18-May-15 13:00:27

I have name changed for this as quite frankly I am embarrassed about the situation I have found myself in.

DP and I have been together for 18 months, he now lives with me and DD. We are both in our 40s and have been through a fair amount in a relatively short period...my DP's bankruptcy- he had ignored his debts for seven years. He had major work issues that meant he had to completely change careers; he had issues with a long time friend who went out of his way to split us up and destroy him professionally with frankly illegal behaviour. All of which I have supported him through emotionally and financially but which were nevertheless tough for him.

Cut to the last couple of months and I have become frustrated with how he behaves towards me. Nothing nasty, just a lack of attention. He never compliments me, only tells me he loves me if I say it first and has been completely selfish towards me in bed. He doesn't touch me with his hands in a sexual manner, no touching my breasts or attempts to turn me on (this is hard!). He doesn't give me oral sex, yet expects it in return. We have a lot of PIV sex but it is always a "quickie" and I have never orgasmed.

I have tried to talk to him about it. Calmly, angrily, emotionally but nothing works. He is downright selfish. So this morning we are having a conversation and I say, "I need to know if this is going to change or if I need to decide whether or not this is something I can accept or need to move on from". He says "You've put shed loads of weight on what do you expect?"

His words were like a knife to my heart. I have always known he is a bit selfish and vain but I didn't think he was quite this shallow. I have put weight on but I am a size 12, hardly massive. I am a professional, sensible well presented woman who has done well for herself as a single parent for sixteen years.

I want a bit of perspective...right now I am hurt and angry and want to LTB. I feel like I am getting nothing out of our relationship, sexually, emotionally, financially, physically. Yet, I love him. I'm a fool aren't I? Or is my weight gain an issue that I should be dealing with?

Lipgloss74 Mon 18-May-15 13:08:49

Ask yourself this- is this relationship working for you?
Could you stay like this forever more?
If you answers are no then do something about it. I know easier said than done but he is gaining far more out the relationship than you are and life is too short to be unhappy x

Quitelikely Mon 18-May-15 13:10:20

So you get nothing from the relationship on many levels yet you stay because you love him.

Love is a funny old thing and it's not the be all and end all.

There are many things that contribute to a relationship and while I'm one of those who tells others to work on it, in this case I wouldn't advise that.

You have no dc together, no financial or accommodation reliance upon him. He is making you feel bad about yourself and being nasty to you, trying to destroy your confidence.

Why? Because he's a rotten toad and this is who he is.

You might not show him the door just yet but the rot has set in and eventually you'll be free.

Sending virtual courage

TooFatForDP Mon 18-May-15 13:14:20

Thank you. I know this is the truth but sometimes start doubting myself.
I need that virtual courage. I was on my own with DD for so long that I think part of me is frightened of being alone again.

My DD is off to University next year and the house will be so empty without her. Online dating was a nightmare for me and I thought I had found "the one". I'm a fool!

I need to try to disengage and build the courage up to do something about it. Deep down I know I'm never going to get what I need out of this relationship.

Jan45 Mon 18-May-15 13:22:08

Oh please get rid, he sounds a nasty unpleasant idiot, selfish to the extreme, borderline abuse going on here!

AnyFucker Mon 18-May-15 13:32:37

He sounds horrible. You can do far better than this.

Pollyswall Mon 18-May-15 13:35:13

Being alone sounds preferable to be honest.

OhNoNotMyBaby Mon 18-May-15 13:37:42

One word springs to mind - cocklodger.

Sorry OP but I read the bit about bankruptcy, job troubles, friend troubles... and thought oh oh - trouble.

LadyBlaBlah Mon 18-May-15 13:40:58

He sounds repulsive and serves no purpose - of course, other than to erode the well earned self respect you have built up over the last 16 years.

Show him the exit door and lock it behind him.

TooFatForDP Mon 18-May-15 13:43:46

I know, I know, you're all right!

He's just phoned me as if nothing had happened. Wanting to have a "nice chat" then put the phone down on me because I wasn't full of the joys of spring. He expected me just to let him off the hook and excuse what he had said without another word. Cock.
If I'm going to have a go at him, he's going to stay in a hotel. With my money. Tosser.

AnyFucker Mon 18-May-15 13:44:56

Remove his access to your money.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 18-May-15 13:45:40

bankruptcy, issues with work, issues with a friend, issues with you, the common denominator in all these issues is him.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 18-May-15 13:48:01

How has he got access to your money?
Is it your house?
Get his bagged packed and kick him out pronto.
He's sounds like a complete knob head.
You KNOW you can do better than this tosser.

TooFatForDP Mon 18-May-15 13:56:08

Sadly he works in my business. A business that often has quite a lot of cash on a day to day basis.
No doubt he already has a pocketful and has checked in to his hotel.

I need to start extricating myself but need it to be done with relative civility or he could cause damage. I'm going to paint a smile on and have a word with the other staff to ensure that cash is banked immediately and not left around. I'm also going to try and make sure that we discourage cash sales.

Shit I've got myself into a mess.

WestEast Mon 18-May-15 13:59:12

He's a fucking prick by the sound of it.
Plan, plan, plan. Get rid of him.

Handywoman Mon 18-May-15 14:00:19

Are you his boss? Can you sack him?

cleanmyhouse Mon 18-May-15 14:01:55

What an arsehole.

Safeguards at work, pack all of his stuff and drop it off to his hotel. No further discussion necessary.

Dig deep, find enough self worth to realise a quiet house without your daughter as a singleton is preferable to living with a selfish using prick.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-May-15 14:02:03

If he's taken money from the company then fire him for gross misconduct immediately and let everyone else know that he is no longer employed

Honestly, you know you can do it all on your own - you've done it before and you can do it again.

And next time, don't rush into anything before youreally truly know the person

TooFatForDP Mon 18-May-15 14:04:41

Yes I can sack him.

However, he currently runs the business day to day. The staff report to me but he's the one that's there making things happen (I have another business).
It needs careful planning and I need to protect myself and the rest of my team which isn't easy to do.

I think I'm going to put feelers out to sell it. This business doesn't pay the bills (all profits are reinvested), the only contribution to our household is via his salary, which to be fair, only he sees.

specialsubject Mon 18-May-15 14:08:45

so he doesn't want sex with you. Great - grant him his wish. He clearly doesn't respect you, love you or enjoy your company - and you don't like him very much. Understandable really.

fire him from your work and involve the police if he causes any trouble.

tell him that as of tonight, he is staying somewhere else. Belongings outside for collection. (you could be really kind and book him into the nearest travelodge for a few days...but it is more than he deserves)

don't beat yourself up about dating a wrong 'un. But waste no more time on him.

Even if you were fat that would still not be a reason to put up with this.

good luck!

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-May-15 14:09:09

No however about it OP.

If you found any other member of staff stealing from the business youwould fire them wouldn't you?

Get the other staff together and tell them you are a man down and talk to them aout how to keep things ticking over till you can replace him

Don't sell your business beause of this wanker! He is 100% replaceable - in every part of your life

FWIW if my BF put the phone down on me I would be furious - and that's just one "small thing" he has done just today. Act now OP - don't et him rush you into a rash decision about the business.

specialsubject Mon 18-May-15 14:10:04

just seen latest post - implement your disaster recovery plan, which you would need if he had been hit by a bus. No-one is indispensable to a business.

LadyBlaBlah Mon 18-May-15 14:15:08

Seriously, you need to fire his sorry ass

Stealing money from your business on top of all the other stuff. <incredulous>

Doesn't matter how you got here, just get him the fuck away from you and your obviously good life.

TooFatForDP Mon 18-May-15 14:15:39

Very true. He isn't indispensable just a massive part of it right now.

Going to get my thinking cap on regarding a replacement. I've got a meeting at three and going to spend the time driving there to finalise a plan to sort this mess out.

I'm going to need a set of massive balls but will emerge better for it on the other side!

GinSoakedBitchyPony Mon 18-May-15 14:16:55

You need to sack him, you can't trust him with your business. Get him sacked and find another way to run the business day to day.
He thinks he's got his feet very firmly under the table and will get such a shock when you tell him to fuck off.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now