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I am so lost. Relationship at a crossroads. I love him but should I stay?

(53 Posts)
lionsmane33 Sat 16-May-15 23:22:02

Wow. Where to start on this. I can't give all the detail as would be hugely identifying. I am begging you to read this and offer guidance.

I've been with my DP for about one and a half years. I have loved him for maybe 4 years. We dated on and off before the current relationship.

First time round I messed up. I was messed up and wasn't in the right place for a relationship. Deep seated issues from childhood abuse. I realised how much I loved him after we drifted apart. Spent a year or so working on myself. Felt stronger, better. We got back together. These last 1.5 years have been beset by external troubles. I can't go into them here but they were huge. We struggled through. Moments of beauty amongst the madness. Sustained intimacy. But also desperation. External factors meant we were in effect clinging to shipwreck.

Any relationship would have faltered.

Dp moved to his home town and I was to follow. I secured an excellent job and was due to move next month. We were going to live together.

It would be a fresh start in every sense, and I thought we could repair us. Heal things and build on the intimacy that was there. There is a hell of a lot of love on both sides. We are good for each other in many many ways. There's a joining of the souls but also meetinG of minds on a very practical level. And we could grow so much together, I think. But that joining of the souls had been worn down to very little because of these external problems. I recognised that we would need to recalibrate but hadn't really realised why or how. And I hadn't talked to him about it as a result,

Dp had a very very tough upbringing and has I think blockages from conveying his emotions, from letting love in. He finds it hard to trust I think, trust that I wouldn't hurt him. I think deep down he thinks I am too good for him and will go eventually,

Last week, he told me that it's been so hard he doesn't think I should come. I feel ina way he associates me with the hard stuff he's been through, I helped him through but have been tarnished by it. We talked for hours. Maybe 8 hours. In the early hours of the morning we both agreed that the relationship hadn't been able to grow naturally because of the external factors. It was too pressurised in a way. I felt obliged to love him through the hard times and to just be there. To show him that love was unconditional as he has never been shown. He felt that because I was supporting him through all of this he should stay in the relationship as he owed me. Things were so hard and our relationship clinging to a shipwreck he said it made hi, question his love for me, whether it was enough. I felt like that too at times. Whether I should just throw the towel in we had been so damaged by things,

Really, we both should have just been friends during this difficult period and then allowed a relationship to develop naturally after we had come through it.

I agreed with everything he said. Absolutely.

When I left to drive home the next morning, he was crying. Gentle tears of huge sadness. I felt strong, that perhaps I should now embark on a new life without him, move away, perhaps travel for a year. This is the damaged part of me. The part that gets hurt and wants to run, cut off. Start again. He knows this about me. I told him and he said I shouldn't make a rash decision. He wanted me to come after all but that we should start again. Let our love grow naturally and see where it took us. I felt a new softness between us.

He's been in contact constantly since then, I can tell he is hugely shaken but doesn't know how to move forward. I don't want to raise my emotions or his again, we have done that so much over the past year. I can't take any more heaviness.

I love him, deeply. There are differences between us. Very great ones. But I have never met a man like him. I see him in a way I think that no one else does. I see a man that is on the cusp, coming through these difficulties, of being the best man he could be, and the man I always though he was and man who I thought I could truly match with.

But after the past year, I am so weakened by it all and I don't know if I have the strength to move and live by myself as I would need to if we were to start afresh.

I also have to protect myself. What if I go and he edges away. I have the chance to move on now and perhaps I should take it and not be distracted.

And if I break off, that's it for us. I can't ever turn back. I would have to absolutely move on. I am mid thirties. I want children and can't be haunted by him as it will scupper my chances with someone else.. But I think that I could have spent a lifetime with this man. And I will love him forever. And I just think that when we are both stronger, when we are natural again with each other. I am the woman for him.

But who knows. Maybe I am being too romantic. Maybe there is no joining of the souls. Maybe it's in my head.

But maybe not. Although there must be many people out there who could match me, maybe I won't find that person who is as special to me as he is.

I am so sorry this is so long. And I wish I could provide more detail.

Please help me. Give me guidance.

lionsmane33 Sun 17-May-15 00:06:08

Bumping. Desperate for help. I know it's long...sorry.

HangingInAGruffaloStance Sun 17-May-15 00:20:40

It sounds very hard.

Could you move there, but not in with him, and give yourself a time limit to reconnect. If he still has a lot to work on that could impair your relationship developing then it might be better to make a break now though.

You also need to be clear that he isn't with you through some sense of obligation or fear of the unknown.

HangingInAGruffaloStance Sun 17-May-15 00:21:10

It sounds very hard.

Could you move there, but not in with him, and give yourself a time limit to reconnect. If he still has a lot to work on that could impair your relationship developing then it might be better to make a break now though.

You also need to be clear that he isn't with you through some sense of obligation or fear of the unknown.

lionsmane33 Sun 17-May-15 00:27:47

Yes, I could move but live separately and I am happy to do this as I felt we needed the space too. God I am so confused. I just worry I will be so lonely. And its too late for us. I suppose no one can really advise what to do. Hopefully the answer will come to me within th next couple of weeks.

BiscuitMillionaire Sun 17-May-15 00:30:38

I don't think we can say what will happen. Someone once gave me this advice on relationships: instead of thinking about how you wish the relationship would be or how he might be in the future or what happened in the past, focus on how the relationship actually is right now. How you are with each other. I hope that might give a glimmer of insight.

daisychain01 Sun 17-May-15 06:56:23

Lionsmane, you have given a very vivid (almost poetic) description of your relationship but having read it a couple of times it's difficult to get through the words and clearly see what the issue actually is and what advice you actually want.

We don't know you, so we can't predict the future, and there is clearly a lot of back story you can't go into. I feel you are heavily romanticising you relationship and need to bring yourself into the real world, so that you can make a reasoned, practical decision about your future.

It may just be a straight "should I keep investing in this relationship, or move on from it because too much water has past under the bridge" but I'm struggling to understand what you are asking.

AlternativeTentacles Sun 17-May-15 07:23:54

What is the actual issue between you? Forget the fluffy words - get down to the nitty gritty.

tribpot Sun 17-May-15 07:31:24

I think you do need space. Space without contact between the two of you, a trial of life completely apart from one another to see if that clarifies your feelings one way or another.

Honestly this all sounds like too much work and angst, and that to some extent you are caught up in the drama and 'doomed romance' aspects of it all. Give yourself a break - can you agree no contact for six months?

OffTheBackOfALaurie Sun 17-May-15 07:52:15

It all sounds so overwrought. Once you have ascribed an extreme image to your relationship like 'shipwreck' it's very easy to inhabit the image you have created. Step back, calm down, spend some time in the moment with each other without everything having massive meaning. And then just follow your heart.

You have a great opportunity in your new job. Take the job, enjoy the challenge, have some fun and go easy on yourselves.

Rebecca2014 Sun 17-May-15 08:00:46

You haven't actually told us what went wrong in the relationship in the past 18 months that led to this break up.

Due to that I cannot comment however, I don't believe in soul mates.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 17-May-15 08:02:54

If I understand you right, under all the long words the dilemma is about whether to consider the relationship over because he no longer wants you moving with him? Well, why not just stay where you are and see how things go? To me it sounds like you could do with a break from all this soul searing and deep intimacy and shipwrecks and what not.

TBH this is just a gut feel but from the sound of it your relationship actually thrives on heartache and complication, and the high drama narrative has rather taken over from being able to sense how you actually feel and actually rub along as a couple. If I were you I'd try and forget all the high-minded narratives about proving unconditional love and damaged parts wanting to run away, and just sit tight for a bit. Get your sense of self back. Have some therapy. If it's meant to work out, giving yourself both a bit of space won't hurt, and if it doesn't work at least you haven't uprooted yourself all for nowt.

Cabrinha Sun 17-May-15 08:03:10

This is going to sound so harsh... Sorry... But honestly, you sound like a pair of teenagers addicted to angst and drama.
YEARS of on and off crap before this bout of being together?

Sounds like you've both decided to cling to a "doomed love" story.

I would walk away from this TOTALLY.

Imagine how much energy for the rest of your life without all this draining it!

Superworm Sun 17-May-15 08:04:43

It all sounds very draining and not very fun. Neither of you sound sure about each other and I expect there's some co-dependency going on.

Cabrinha Sun 17-May-15 08:08:19

And you're so joined at the soul hmm but you hadn't even talked to him about it...
I really do think you or both of you is addicted to the story you've created.
Wouldn't it be an amazing love against the odds story?
Nope. Because between you both you'd just find a new drama.

PacificDogwood Sun 17-May-15 08:09:54

This is clearly very hard for you and I am sorry about that.

But I am with the 'harsh' brigade too: it all sounds overwrought and like a plot from some opera or other, far too much romantic drama and talk of love.
Love is not just a feeling, but is also determined in deeds and a feeling of safety and peace. And I am not getting that from your whole narrative tbh.

I'd take a huge step back.
Do your grieving for what you thought this relationship could be - clearly it never was on calm waters in reality.

I hope you find peace of mind and love in your life - I am not convinced that this on/off, high drama and emotion relationship is it for you.
thanks

OTheHugeManatee Sun 17-May-15 08:13:26

Hang on, I think I read it wrong. Re-reading, it sounds like the following. You got together but split up again, the. For 18 months you were together through some difficult life events. Then you planned to move towns together for a fresh start, except he got cold feet at the last minute.

Then you sat up all night together soul-searching, and after that he changed his mind and said come but I'm going to dictate the terms of the relationship ('start again', 'let our love grow naturally and see where it took us').

Don't go. This relationship will always be full of drama, and he will always be throwing you tiny scraps of affection on his terms while you hang about hopefully, convinced this is the love of your luggage but, on a daily basis, actually pretty unhappy.

My advice is walk now. Move on, find someone who makes YOU feel you can be the best version of yourself and not some broken little manboy who stares at you with big eyes waiting for you to fix him.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 17-May-15 08:15:43

Omg love of your LIFE, not of your luggage shock

Though I would be packing that bag and running in the direction of away from this relationship. Sometimes running is the healthy response, really it is.

Cabrinha Sun 17-May-15 08:16:08

And as for "gentle tears of huge sadness"?
Really? hmm

Cabrinha Sun 17-May-15 08:18:12

Luggage = baggage = spot on!!

Seriously - rewrite you're post without all the unnecessary adjectives.
Gentle tears of great sadness = he was crying a bit.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret Sun 17-May-15 08:23:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TendonQueen Sun 17-May-15 08:24:10

Leave him out of it for a minute. The job and the place you're moving to, how do you feel about them? Really enthusiastic, or so-so but that's ok because the point was to be with him? How committed are you? Could you get your old job back and stay put? Is there much else for you in your current location (friends, family, interests) that you would miss or would you welcome a fresh start anyway, with or without him?

lucyjordon Sun 17-May-15 08:25:14

If you take all the fluff and romance out of your post the only bit of substance I can make out of it is that you were going to move to his home town but he has asked you not to. In which case do as lots of wise people have said on here and listen to what he is telling you - he doesn't want you to move in with him. Stop looking for external reasons. If he wants to be with you he would make that happen.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret Sun 17-May-15 08:26:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newstart15 Sun 17-May-15 08:38:24

How old are you both? I will also sound harsh.

You are over analysing this way too much.I honestly cannot think how you could have productively discussed your relationship for 8 hours and I'm a talkative person.There are lots of words un your post but no real understanding.

If the job is great and you can get a home and some support OTHER than him then move.If he will be your only source of support in this area you will rely on him too much and be back too being a tortured soul.

Long lasting love isn't about dramas, its about getting on with a life together in a non dramatic way (because good compatibility means you don't have to have 8 hour discussions over events)

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