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am i being made a fool of now or is there hope for us?

(43 Posts)
dgm199419 Sat 16-May-15 14:24:40

So i was in a stable relationship for two years with a girl i loved alot but it turned into a slope towards the end the first year arguments became frequent, so as the relationship progressed so did the fighting.

Towards the end i started to not show any love and would act like i couldnt care about anything when i really did. I added a few girls on facebook which we both had an argreement to not have any opposite sex people on our facebooks and this is where things got ugly. She added a boy at this point only one which will be relevant in a minute.

Bearing in mind we never spent anytime apart from each other for our two years together, this is when one morning we were arguing and she said she was going to her sisters at the weekend for a drink she said we needed some time apart to appreciate each other better. I felt betrayed and hurt so i ended the relationship based on anger and hurt to later regret it and then spent the next three days trying to get her back and left her numerous mails and texts explaining how much i loved her and how i was wrong which were just read and ignored apart from one where she replied we are better off just friends.

She phoned me at the end of the weekend and said she needed to talk to me in person about something and told me she kissed another man she then said she didnt want to lose me as a boyfriend or this new guy as a friend (this is the guy she added on facebook when we were still in a relationship). I gave her an ultimatium and she stopped talking to the other guy and came back with me for a few days but arguments started again and she left me again to then weeks later come back and says she missed me but while she was away she was seeing that other guy again and was intimate with him and even mentioned she had kissed a third guy along the way. We got back together but i found a mail on her facebook from the day before we got back together she was saying to her friend she liked the other guy and that the other guy was away for a few days and she missed him and just wanted to cuddle him? should i give up?

CalleighDoodle Sat 16-May-15 14:26:50

Youre both too young for a relationship. End it and go and have fun with your friends.

theendoftheendoftheend Sat 16-May-15 14:28:34

Yes you should, it all sounds very unhealthy. Learn from it and move on.

dgm199419 Sat 16-May-15 14:29:42

i wish life was that easy i really do. i am not looking to end it i am just looking for someone else non bias view on what her behaviour means?

GoatsDoRoam Sat 16-May-15 14:30:33

Are you aware just how toxic your relationship appears? It seems to be built on extreme neediness, and very controlling behaviour.

I don't think there's anything healthy to be saved here.

Out of curiosity: what do you believe a relationship should be?

Because demanding that partners have no contact with the opposite sex, and being in each other's pockets the whole time, is NOT it.

Are you both teenagers?

AlternativeTentacles Sat 16-May-15 14:31:34

Her behaviour? She wants to have her cake and eat it.

dgm199419 Sat 16-May-15 14:34:51

i was never needi until i meet her now it comes across that way so your not far from the truth, i believe a relationship to be when two people are loyal to each other on an unconditiontle level and would do anything for each other to be happy and i agree that was her doing to not have any contact with opposite sex because i didnt like it but now this has happened it would be hard to change that and not be paranoid, and i am 20 she is 18

CalleighDoodle Sat 16-May-15 14:36:01

Of course you dont want to end it. You e become controlling. You
Used ending the relationship as a
Way to get her back doing as you say.
End this relationship and dont start another until you have a better idea of how people should behave towards each other.

tribpot Sat 16-May-15 14:36:05

Blimey. Can I ask how old you are? I'm assuming you may be early 20s from your username.

Your relationship sounds way too oppressive - for both of you. No friends of the opposite sex on Facebook? WTF? You've bombarded her with messages and given her ultimatums about who she can be friends with, ended the relationship out of anger and read her Facebook messages? She's ended it and come back and ended it again and is hooking up with other people.

This isn't a healthy relationship and I think you both need to call it quits. I get the impression she doesn't want to be in a relationship any more and wants to play the field (but isn't just saying so) and you need to do some growing up about how to behave when you are in a relationship with someone you care about. You both need to stop such ridiculous restrictions on the use of Facebook.

I think this has run its course.

CalleighDoodle Sat 16-May-15 14:37:04

Tou didnt meed to
Say your ages as you were obviously teenagers in your first post. You are too young to be in a relationship.

OurGlass Sat 16-May-15 14:39:43

You're both too young for such seriousness, go and have fun.

gatewalker Sat 16-May-15 14:40:53

OP, you are both being utterly, utterly co-dependent. Whether you decide to take an unusual step of sorting it out now by seeking some counselling, or whether you continue to experience this in this relationship and others that follow, things will only change when you have made some drastic changes to how you see yourself, and what relationship is to you.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 16-May-15 14:41:15

Unconditional love belongs in parent/child relationships.

Between adults, what you're looking for is respect and kindness.

Adult relationships are definitely conditional: conditional on obtaining that respect and kindness.

gatewalker Sat 16-May-15 14:42:03

By the way, there is no such thing as "unconditional loyalty". It is a holy grail that does not exist.

dgm199419 Sat 16-May-15 14:42:25

i get this impression too, the spark is gone, she just wants to play the field but then why did she come back what reason is she staying around?

gatewalker Sat 16-May-15 14:44:01

Because, OP, many of us have been fucked-up enough to believe that this kind of behaviour is what "love" is.

I speak as a former member of this group.

dgm199419 Sat 16-May-15 14:47:52

i never realised how restrictive i actually are, man, guess i never knew how to handle her she was my first girl i connected to on an emotional level the rest were just flings .

GinSoakedBitchyPony Sat 16-May-15 14:48:01

we both had an argreement to not have any opposite sex people on our facebooks

shock
You both sound like you're just not ready for a relationship. Go out and have fun and enjoy being young.

CalleighDoodle Sat 16-May-15 14:49:20

You dont get to handle her. Shes. It a pet. And im now doubting this post is real.

CalleighDoodle Sat 16-May-15 14:50:02

She is NOT a pet!

GoatsDoRoam Sat 16-May-15 14:51:43

You're right on schedule: you're discovering that love isn't at all what you thought it should be. This is a learning experience. You're supposed to make mistakes until you get it right.

I hope you realise just how big of a mistake it is to:

- ban a partner from seeing who they want,
- display jealousy and control,
- bombard a former partner with emotionally manipulative messages,
- set ultimatums that curtail a partner's freedom.

Please don't ever do those things again: they are excusable (just) in one so young, but they are horribly abusive and wrong.

dgm199419 Sat 16-May-15 14:52:25

i meant handle her as in care for her, NOT like a pet!!

Tequilashotsfor1 Sat 16-May-15 14:55:00

This is turning in to a really toxic relationship. Quite similar to one I spent four years in.

The best thing I ever learnt was when to walk away from a relationship that wasn't working.

She probally came back because she wasn't getting the intrest she wanted off the others.

dgm199419 Sat 16-May-15 14:57:53

so i should cut all restrictions i was implying and let her do what ever it is she wants and see the results without displaying jealousy and control ?

gatewalker Sat 16-May-15 15:01:50

Why would you want to have her in your life when she plays games with you?

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