Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Give me a reason to stay.

(14 Posts)
AoifeBell Fri 15-May-15 21:10:12

Im seriously considering leaving this country for good. I have a boyfriend whom I love but he doesn't want to come with us (DD 19 months previous relationship)

He doesn't want us to go and I'm trying find a reason to stay but I can't. I love loads him but is love really enough?

sad

FlabulousChix Fri 15-May-15 21:11:33

Is love enough .... No. But what about the father of your child would he allow you to up and go?

lonelymillie Fri 15-May-15 21:11:59

I can't imagine ever wanting to leave anybody who I loved sad I don't know how people do it.

Why do you want to leave?

pocketsaviour Fri 15-May-15 21:14:56

Is this a career move?
How long have you been with BF - do you think the relationship is marriage material?
How long will this be for - will it affect DD s education? Does she currently have contact with her dad, if so will he agree to this?
Have you fully researched all the details, e.g. Employment law, educational standards, cost of living, accommodation etc.

Jackieharris Fri 15-May-15 21:15:40

Why do you want to leave?

Why does he want to stay?

AoifeBell Fri 15-May-15 21:16:04

My daughter doesn't see her dad he's far from interested. He's not on her birth certificate and probably wouldn't notice if we lived on the moon!

I do love him desperately which is making it harder but I've wanted to leave here for a while and things are happening which makes it the perfect time to leave.

whitsernam Fri 15-May-15 21:19:07

Judging from the age of your daughter, you haven't known this man terribly long, so I'd say if you want to leave, just do it. Life is short! Love is unpredictable. Work toward the future you want for yourself and your daughter. Good luck!! flowers

AoifeBell Fri 15-May-15 21:22:09

Not a career move no. I have family there and education is great.
We've only been together 9 months.
I'd like to think we'd get married and have kids but he doesn't plan more than a week a head and when I asked him about this today he couldn't give me an answer, which is fair enough considering the time even been together, but...I don't know

He's 24 and I'm 27. He lives with his dad who he is extremely close to as his mum passed away when he was baby. He has a job (which he dislikes) but is technically, young and free. No responsibilities etc.

We spoke about it again today and I asked him to come with us, half serious half joking He said he wished he could but he doesn't want to leave his dad and that he has priorities here (not quiet sure what they are but ok).

goddessofsmallthings Fri 15-May-15 21:36:51

He's given you his answer.

If you're confident that the move is in the best interests of yourself and your dd, go for it.

Joysmum Fri 15-May-15 21:37:25

I wouldn't leave the man I love, nor would I expect to leave his dad if he didn't feel able to.

pocketsaviour Fri 15-May-15 21:45:38

Then I would say in your shoes, if you feel it will make you and DD happy, then go for it.

At 24 it's unlikely this fella is thinking of settling down just yet. Yes it's a shame but you can stay friends and who knows if you might reconnect in the future?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Fri 15-May-15 22:28:27

It us only nine months and you both are young so, if the conditions are right, I think you should go.

Having your child growing up around a extended family that loves her and supports her mum, may be much better than staying with someone you have been with for such a short time.

AoifeBell Sat 16-May-15 10:36:55

Thanks for all your replies. You're right, it's only a short time that we've been together. I just don't want to have regrets either way. I wish there was a simple answer sad

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sat 16-May-15 12:28:18

Look, there are many difficult decissions a woman could take when it comes to the man they love, so I would say...

1) Is he as committed to the relationship as you are?
2) if you move back, what's in it for you?

I have been an expat for more than 20 years, and IME, there are this little windows of opportunity when you can move on or back to where you were. These windows are just open briefly (when there is a job offer, a change back at home or at your place of residence that makes them possible and goid options) but once that that little window closes, it may or may not re ppen again.

I have to say, however, that sometimes windows close for your own good:
I could have returned to my country when DS was young and his dad didn't mind us moving. I fecided to stay put because I realised that I wouldn't have the approval of my family to divorce.

One year later we split anyway, but by then my ex decided he wouldn't let me take DS with me, and now there's a cout order that doesn't let me take him away of the country more than 30 days. I stayed with a broken heart but convinced it was the best for DS to have contact with his dad.

Despite the order, DS has not seen his dad for many years. But knowing that things do happen always for a good reason, I am now glad that I was forced to stay, as:
-My family made it very clear shortly after that that I was not welcome in their house and I shouldn't expect any support from them.
-there is a great stigma about being divorced or raing children on your own back at home, the possibilities of finding myself in a serious relationship where quite low.
- and. Most importantly, the area turned into a battle zone just one years afterwards. I teally wouldn't have liked to find myself with DS in an area were you could hardly be safe to walk from the car to the door of your house without risking being hit by a lost bullet.

So, if your boyfriend was not in the equation, what would be the best place for you and your DD to live?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now