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How to get some sort of family counselling?

(10 Posts)
jackson4 Fri 15-May-15 14:50:13

I am doing the old staying in a dead relationship for the sake of the kids thing. I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with this and I feel like it is starting to adversely affect the oldest dc. Does anyone know how I might get to talk to someone about the issues and how to stop it ruining family life?

DevonFolk Fri 15-May-15 14:57:53

In the gentlest possible way, if you want to stop your dead relationship ruining family life then you need to end it. I've never known "staying together for the sake of the children" work because no matter how hard you try, there will always be a negative effect on the children. As hard as it is, it's far more important for the DCs to see their parents living separately and happily than together unhappily.

It certainly doesn't sound like family counselling is the answer. If you want to make your mariage work then by all means try couples counselling, but don't include the children.

thelonggame Fri 15-May-15 15:03:16

Go to your GP, they can refer you for counseling. The other option is Relate, who offer family sessions - they are expensive though. Around my area they are charging £80 a session. They may offer a discount if you are on a low income.
If you are staying together for the children and it's having a negative affect on them could it be time to make the break?

jackson4 Fri 15-May-15 15:05:31

thanks. Not married but been together a long time. I know you're right intellectually and that is what I would advice someone else to do but I don't want to throw that grenade in for some reason. Can you do couples counselling on your own? There is no way DP would do it (we don't talk about anything like that anymore) - is there any point on your own? Its more like I would like to make peace with how things are for now, for me, while the dc are young. Most of the time things are fine but of course it is all bubbling away under the surface and I am worried about what we are teaching the dc about relationships. I suppose a small part of me hopes things could be salvaged but it has been going on for too long now I think.

jackson4 Fri 15-May-15 15:06:35

what kind of counselling would I ask the GP for?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-May-15 15:21:26

BACP are good and do not charge the earth; you may well find that you could wait a long time for counselling on the NHS.

If the other won't go, then go to counselling on your own.

Time to make a clean break however, the two of you as adults should not be dragging out a dead relationship any longer. Its selfish of either of you to even consider otherwise.

You are right to be worried about the effects staying in such a relationship will cause them. A person should never stay in a relationship for the sake of the children; it never works out well and the children do become affected by it. It teaches them a lie and its a terrible burden to place on a child. What do you want to teach your children about relationships anyway, surely not this current and damaging role model of one.

thelonggame Fri 15-May-15 15:22:51

just go and speak to the GP and be honest about how you are feeling. They should be able to advise on counseling options.
I am similar position to you, marriage is over but staying here for the sake of the kids. Except mine are 16 and 18 so Just 2 years to get through before they leave for uni.
GP was great, sympathetic and didn't make me feel silly for bursting into tears!
Do you have RL support, a friend or relative you can be open and honest with? That will help. flowers

jackson4 Fri 15-May-15 17:44:14

thanks all, no I haven't admitted it to anyone before now, have been thinking about posting for advice/opinions on here for awhile (NC, been on here for 10y or so). Oldest coming up for secondary, youngest just starting school. I know people will say knock it on the head and I may well be just at the beginning of that realisation. I don't want to sink into depression though as lot of positives in life (children, career, friends, house) so that's why I thought talking about it and admitting how hard it is might help. thanks for all advice and opinions (and sharing similar situations, much appreciated x)

cestlavielife Fri 15-May-15 18:08:51

thelonggame why wait?
can be equally damaging to tell dc later oh i only stayed for you...if they suffering the impact of a dead relationship...

are you very amicable and have a nice friendly relationship? have you told dc what you are doing and they are happy?

op just go t o counselling yourself and this will help you get clarity on what you need to do...

cestlavielife Fri 15-May-15 18:13:05

going off to uni is a big deal, going off and knowing your family in turmoil /was a lie could be a big deal... might send your first year into turmoil while away from your influence...no time will be a good time. but holding on in a dead relationship isnt good either.

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