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please help me judge whether this is ok or not, I have noone in RL to ask.

(109 Posts)
alwaysaskingquestionz Thu 14-May-15 15:38:38

A couple of things have happened that once again made me question whether I'm being touchy and oversensitive and looking for a problem in everything my DP does, or whether he is genuinely being unreasonable. I cannot make this judgements myself and I have nobody at all to ask.

DP gets frustrated when I cannot do certain things he has asked, moving heavy furniture, map reading and flat pack to name a few. (I have other talents in the arena of sewing and baking squidgey chocolate cakes, we can't be good at everything IMO!). This takes the form of huffing and puffing, eye rolls, comments like 'you can't have really tried', generally being in a visibly wound-up mood directly due to my failure to complete said task.
(FYI - I always try my best. Tis one of my 'things'). Here's where it gets difficult - he doesn't shove me, call me names, tell me to fuck off, and it's difficult to explain how subtle this is, but he conveys a general air of being dismissive, disappointed in me, and angry that I haven't done what was asked.

Example 2! Heating is fooked. Apparently I woke DP up in bed last night by 'forcibly lying next to him' (verbatim!). He was annoyed enough to tell me this morning. I suggested that I could use a sleeping bag until the heating is fixed, as I was completely unaware I was doing this and must have been cold and cuddling up to him instinctively (surely anyone else would thing this was sweet?!). DP then had a MASSIVE go because I failed to 'apologise for the pain and suffering I caused him'.
Yes, 'Pain and Suffering'.

When we talk about these things I'm told that it's normal for him to feel frustrated with me. I agree completely but have suggested that being frustrated does not justify unkindness or rudeness, we should still show each other care and respect; DP disagreed and basically told me that if he is frustrated by me, the fact that I am the cause makes it automatically reasonable and expected that he should get angry AT me.

Remember, he has never called me an awful name, hit me, told me to fuck off, so as far as I know he is being completely unreasonalbe and I'm being over sensitive? I know everyone gets angry at everyone sometimes but I just think there's no real need to make someone else feel small just because they pissed you off, if they didn't mean to do it.

Once I asked him if he's aware of the impact his bad moods and associated taking out on me has on my happiness, my confidence? He countered this by citing the impact my depression has had on him. So I can't get very far in a discussion to resolve these things as we ALWAYS end up discussing something I've done wrong which is just as bad/worse!

If you've stuck with me this far, thankyou. Please help. I can't go on like this.

gatewalker Thu 14-May-15 15:47:07

Your 'D'P is being unreasonable. Genuinely. The first and only reason necessary is that he is blaming you for his behaviour. That's Relationship Red-Flag 101 right there.

Hobbitwife001 Thu 14-May-15 15:48:37

No, of course it is not ok, Op, he is being horrible and an arse, which clearly makes him a horrible arse of a man.
You do not treat someone you purport to love in this terribly dismissive way, would you treat any of your friends in this way? Or your family?

He is an abusive idiot, and you do not deserve to be in the firing line for his anger and disrespect.

fluffyanimal Thu 14-May-15 15:49:03

No it's not OK. It's very shoddy behaviour. It's constant erosion of your emotional well-being. A drip of water may not have the same shock factor as a flood, but it will sure as hell still erode rock. He doesn't have to tell you to fuck off or call you names for it to be wrong. Please don't put up with it, and don't let him make you believe it's your fault or because of your depression.
flowers

TisILeclerc Thu 14-May-15 15:49:16

What gate said. flowers

What do you want to do about it?

Jan45 Thu 14-May-15 15:52:42

None of the men in my life would expect me to move heavy furniture, or put flat pack together or read a map!

He's a horrible, mean, nasty man who has got you so conditioned you actually believe his tripe - honestly, please get away from him, he is toxic at the very least.

Lweji Thu 14-May-15 15:53:12

I bet nothing happened during the night.

Have you considered the impact he has had on your depression?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 14-May-15 15:54:43

How long have you been together?.

His behaviour towards you is not okay at all and is infact emotionally abusive. This is all about power and control. He is responsible for his moods and actions towards you, not yourself. You did not cause him to act in the ways he has done towards you, he has chosen to act like that.

I would think that your depressive state would lift if you and he were no longer together. He is certainly not helping your emotional state of mind.

Mide7 Thu 14-May-15 15:58:03

While I'm not disagreeing with the people above and I don't think your being unreasonable. And the pain and suffering thing is ridiculous. Saying all that I think the frustration thing when you can't do something he wants you to do is normal. That's the reason not everyone can be a coach/ teacher. I do think he's handling his frustration badly tho.

Hassled Thu 14-May-15 15:58:06

He just sounds like he's not a nice person. Fundamentally unpleasant. Do you want to be with someone who may not hit you or call you names but is not a nice person?

cafesociety Thu 14-May-15 16:01:16

No, you can't and I don't blame you. He sounds selfish, unkind, bullying and a blamer who shows you no respect.

You've described someone who has little humanity, has no understanding nor shows any compassion to someone they should cherish, care for, show kindness to, give security to and love.

He'll know what pain and suffering is when you kick him out. You deserve far, far better than this. It sounds like your self esteem is already on the floor. Don't accept this behaviour, it sounds cruel. And more to the point, he doesn't give a toss how you feel and instead of listening just has an answer for everything and he feels he is always right. So arrogant.

A real man who loves you wouldn't demand you shift furniture, make up flat packs or read his damn maps for him....if you do not wish to for whatever reason. Should he therefore cook the sunday roast, run up some curtains, arrange some flowers as a table display if he doesn't feel up to it?

alwaysaskingquestionz Thu 14-May-15 16:04:45

Thankyou all so much for listening. We've been together for 8 years. He is older. I'm not sure what to do. What I do know is I'm sick of seeing the same pattern repeated and I am ready to hear opinions and take advice. Which has been difficult as I'm so alone and would be completely alone without him. We are best friends, get on so well, my family adore him. After each episode of righteous frustration he is able to easily flip back to happy smiley normal, I am not. Which makes me feel even worse for 'bearing the grudge'!

I am fully prepared to engage with whatever tough truths I need to hear, I know I have responsibility in this too and I have to expect that sometimes people are unreasonable and that makes them normal not bastards. I'm just lost and it's been like this for so long. And a part of me is angry myself that I'm always in the bloody doghouse. I'm not a bad person and I always try to think of other peoples feelings, which is more than can be said of DP.

alwaysaskingquestionz Thu 14-May-15 16:06:17

The cherished thing struck a chord. I have never felt 'cherished'. Upset now.

Twinklestein Thu 14-May-15 16:11:24

I can map read but life is too short for flat packs and heavy furniture, that's what my husband's muscles are for.

You realise he's setting you up to fail don't you? He knows perfectly well these aren't your strong point, so can demonstrate his superiority.

Apart from that he's nasty arse, and I don't believe you couldn't do a lot better.

CaptainAnkles Thu 14-May-15 16:12:21

It doesn't have to involve hitting, shoving, swearing or name calling. He's being cruel without using any of those things. Don't let him minimise his behaviour or dismiss your feelings. Sleeping closer to somebody to feel warmer is not an assault.

AyeAmarok Thu 14-May-15 16:12:25

I think your depression would clear if you didn't have this big Huffy McHufferson putting you down all the time and making out like you are a big disappointment to him.

Twinklestein Thu 14-May-15 16:13:19

8 years of this?!

You don't get on well he's horrible to you. You say you're always in the doghouse. Can you see the contradiction?

newstart15 Thu 14-May-15 16:14:24

His behaviour sounds as if, at times, he doesn't like you.It really does seem like that and I guess it must feel like that.

We all have our quirks and nobody will suit you 100% of the time but you generally accept partners as look as the good outweighs the bad.If I cuddled up to my dh he would be delighted.If I didn't put together flat packs he would not berate me..I am grateful for his skills and he really appreciates my talents.

Do you have dc's?

cafesociety Thu 14-May-15 16:15:24

He is keeping you 'in your place' ie. the doghouse, to keep you in control. Then switching on the charm, to keep you in control. He knows you have no one to support you.

But we get the life we settle for if we set the bar low. The controller/manipulator therefore has control of the dog lead which leads the subservient/submissive partner around in the confusion and guilt they cause.

I've personally had this situation play out in my own life. Until they learnt I wasn't a doormat and the 'good times' were severely outweighed by my unhappiness in the bad times....and they had to find someone else to play mind games with. Noone's worth it. I'd rather be single and dignified.

expatinscotland Thu 14-May-15 16:16:03

Your partner is emotionally abusive. Sorry, but he is.

wallaby73 Thu 14-May-15 16:16:22

OP, he has done a number on you - you have spent your last post tearing yourself apart, looking for faults in yourself and overly eager to accept "blame". Do you realise you are doing this?

The enlightening phrase is "i'm always in the doghouse". That is not how a healthy equal relationship is, he's worn you right down. This is not your fault. At all. So what if you can't do a flat pack - who died and made him king? Xx

BuzzardBird Thu 14-May-15 16:16:36

It sounds like he treats you like a' silly little girl' and when you try and stand up for yourself he stonewalls you with a resentful conter-argument that he has already got ready in place for when you do.

I would suggest some counselling as he clearly won't listen to your side of it.

Allalonenow Thu 14-May-15 16:18:10

It sounds as though he is doing these things in order to belittle you, and erode your belief in yourself, to make himself feel better.

He is certainly a bully, and is attempting to control you.
It must be so hard for you to live like that thanks

(On a practical note, if you have got any map reading to do in the near future, go to "Via Michelin" website and enter your starting point and destination. It prints out a list of detailed instructions that you just have to read out, then he is at fault if he cannot follow the instructions he won't like that.)

ihatethecold Thu 14-May-15 16:18:19

He doesn't sound like a very nice person op.
You say you would be lonely without him but how do you know?
You deserve better.

MarniRose Thu 14-May-15 16:21:50

Oh tell this fucking moron to fuck off. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he brings anything but his bad mood to the relationship. Get rid of him and start living your life as you choose to - preferably without ever having to look at a map

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