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Done nothing wrong but feel like I am keeping a secret...WWYD?

(23 Posts)
Bogeyface Mon 11-May-15 13:54:30

At a party with H, ex H was there. No issues between us, no arguments, we all get on fine. Been split for over 10 years (my instigation) and co parent very well.

I was standing at the bar talking to ex and he started stroking my arm and my waist. At first I thought he did it accidentally but then he did it again and there was a definite squeezey stroke. He had had a few but wasnt drunk. I was shocked, and moved away but I didnt say anything, tbh I didnt know what to say! I didnt want to make a fuss at someones birthday party so I made sure I wasnt close enough to him to do it again.

I havent said anything to H, I cant imagine what good it would do but equally it has been on my mind because it made me feel uncomfortable and I dont like the feeling that I am keeping a secret even though I did nothing wrong.

Would you tell your OH? Why?

Mostlyjustaluker Mon 11-May-15 13:56:26

If it is making you feel uncomfortable then yes I would tell him but I suppose it depends of how you think your DH would react.

sebsmummy1 Mon 11-May-15 13:57:30

To be honest I probably would, but only because I know DP isn't particularly jealous and wouldn't go causing a scene next time the ex was about.

I imagine it was mainly the drink talking, well groping, unless he has been inappropriate when sober too?

DragonWithAGirlTattoo Mon 11-May-15 13:58:08

What are you thinking here?

Are you thinking he was coming on to you?
Was he a bit sentimental with the drinking?

I guess you felt threatened, but i dont think you needed to.

TBH i think he gave you a squeeze, and you werent comfortable with it - I would tell your OH but be careful how you word it, and explain you think it was just cos he had a bit to drink and dont think he meant anything by it, but you wanted to let him know

thelonggame Mon 11-May-15 14:00:12

I wouldn't tell H at the moment, but what I would do is talk to DH and make it clear that what he was doing is unacceptable and unwanted.

Branleuse Mon 11-May-15 14:00:17

dont tell your H, but stop talking to your ex unless you have to

thelonggame Mon 11-May-15 14:00:50

oops, I meant talk to XH,

binspin Mon 11-May-15 14:00:59

ofcourse i would be telling my dh!

how long ago was the party?

binspin Mon 11-May-15 14:01:42

i would also be calling ex and asking what he was playing at.

Bogeyface Mon 11-May-15 14:04:32

I dont know what I am thinking!

It made me feel very uncomfortable, whether it was sentimental or a come on (knowing ex, could have been either, or both!). I think H will be angry, but he wont kick off or start a war or anything.

I dont really see ex, if we do talk about the kids then its on the phone and a family member picks the kids up for the weekend due to his working hours.

I dont want to make a big thing of this with Ex, he will brush it off as being drunk I am sure, so it seems silly to bring it up with him, I will just avoid him in situations like that in future.

I just feel that I am not being honest with H and I dont like that feeling.

Bogeyface Mon 11-May-15 14:06:34

The party was just over a week ago.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Mon 11-May-15 14:10:05

Don't be daft OP, you didn't do anything wrong! You don't need to feel guilty about someone else cracking on to you. You didn't encourage it and you actively avoided it continuing. If I were to tell my DP about something like that happening I think it would create a situation out of a non-event.

But you know best how your husband will take it, and if it will make you feel better without dumping any anxiety on your husband, then there's no harm in chatting about it.

If you do, maybe you should put it in the context of feeling anxious and annoyed about his behaving inappropriately, and worried it will impact your co-parenting arrangements if it happens again and you have to have harsh words.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Mon 11-May-15 14:10:53

Branleuse they have a child / children so I would guess avoiding him isn't an option.

SocialMediaAddict Mon 11-May-15 15:12:33

I wouldn't tell my DH. I would talk to my ex DH.

Branleuse Mon 11-May-15 17:12:41

well, avoid him more than sitting chatting to each other in a bar or socialising. Obviously with kids you cant help stuff like texting or talking about school stuff at the door at drop off etc

Bogeyface Mon 11-May-15 17:52:42

We werent sitting together, we were at the bar with a few other people, it wasnt a cosy catch up!

Nothing like this has happened before, he said something before I got remarried about whether there was any chance of us getting back together, but that was 7 years ago. If I had thought for one second anything like this would happen then I wouldnt have gone near him, as it is I wont be doing so again!

ALaughAMinute Mon 11-May-15 18:35:37

It sounds to me like your ex isn't over you.

I don't think I would tell my H as I would be worried about creating bad feeling, particularly as you have children together and are likely to see each other at social functions in the future. I know you said your husband isn't the jealous type, but he's not going to like it is he?

You say you all get on fine at the moment so why not leave it at that? And of course keep your distance from him in future.

If he ever does it again I would tell my H as it would mean the situation was getting out of hand.

confusedoflondon Mon 11-May-15 19:52:34

Say nothing - it's a non event.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 11-May-15 20:04:39

I agree with confused - it's a non-event of the type which can happen when liberal helpings of alcohol are dispensed during social gatherings.

I would have forgotten it as soon as I moved away/left the bar. Why are you dwelling on it?

Laladeepsouth Mon 11-May-15 20:39:10

What confused and goddess said. It's nothing. Have the maturity to know when something is better left unsaid.

Vivacia Mon 11-May-15 21:08:18

FFS I can't believe this needs clarifying.

OP it's ok and normal and natural to not like being touched in a way you don't want to be. It's your body. You get to decide what's ok. The fact that he did it in a situation where you felt too polite to "make a fuss" makes me feel very angry. And now you feel that you can't confide in the one person who should be a comfort to you.

Metaphors Mon 11-May-15 21:25:38

If it's a one off and moving away put an end to it I wouldn't bother saying anything to exH but I would tell DH, mainly because it's bothering you and I talk to DH about things that bother me.

Laladeepsouth Mon 11-May-15 22:05:36

I may have misread, but I thought that the issue was that the poster was feeling GUILTY for not have told her husband about her ex-husbands tipsy moment of feeling "overly familiar." She moved away and he didn't persist -- and that was that. Her behavior was, to my mind, perfectly correct in not making a scene and drawing everyone's attention to the incident. OP, what I should have said, instead of making a brief dismissive statement above, is that you should not feel GUILTY as you did what most mature people would do in a similar situation in the real world. Just my opinion, of course. You know your DH and ExH better than we do, obviously! Could be quite embarrassing to you to confront him and be interpreted by ExH (and maybe even down deep by H -- it's an imperfect world in real life!) as "wishful thinking" on your part.

If he does it again, well, that's an entirely different matter!!!

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