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Friend having issues dating... Your opinions please

(38 Posts)
shellistar Mon 11-May-15 10:53:55

I'm on here cos my friend has asked my oppinion and although I've told him what I think, I feel a wider audience might give better answers/more constructive advice than I have.

I don't want to drip feed so it's all here: I have a friend, let's call him Bruce. We met 3 years ago on an online dating site and dated for about 3 months but quickly realised that we were more suited to friendship than a romantic relationship. We get on really well and text each other every so often and occasionally will go for meals to catch up or to the cinema if it's a film that we're both interested in that no one else we know wants to go see (iyswim). There is no "feelings" between us, I have a boyfriend who I love dearly who respects my friendship and knows there is nothing untoward. Bruce and I equally pay our way when we go out so its all fair and square. So now you have the back ground.

So Bruce has been not as lucky in love as I have since we decided to remain friends. He's done a great deal of dating and a few months ago found a girl (let's call her Ivy) who he thought he might have a future with. I have never met Ivy and can't really comment on her personally, all I have is info given from Bruce. I know she is in the last year of Uni (Bruce and I are both very early 30's) and lives about 50 miles from Bruce. Bruce is happy to travel to meet her each weekend and has been doing so for a number of weeks. I don't know whether Ivy works but Bruce does have a good job although not one that means he can afford 5* living. He's not well off but happy and comfortable with his income.

A couple of weeks ago and very early into the relationship Ivy announced that she loved Bruce. Bruce is a sensitive but not overly demonstrative guy but is now in the same place as Ivy, although it took some time for him to be sure of his feelings as those three words are quite strong ones to him.

So here is the issue. Things are going great between them but she has a history similar to the one I have with Bruce. She met a guy named Harvey but soon realised that there was no spark. However Harvey doesn't seem to have been notified. The issue is that Harvey is loaded and regularly buys Ivy gifts and makes daily declarations of love to her. Ivy has admitted she takes advantage of the fact that Harvey is in love with her and let's him buy her all sorts of gifts.

Ivy's always reminding Bruce that he is poor and that Harvey would buy her anything she wanted (albeit in a joking way) but she says it a lot. She also told Harvey this weekend that she's going on holiday to Spain with Harvey and he's paying for the 2 of them to go camping in the same tent. Ivy told Bruce that although Harvey is always making a pass at her she always refuses him.

To top it all off, Bruce didn't go up this weekend because it's Ivy's final week in uni. She did say that Bruce was welcome but he insisted that she needed her space to ensure she was able to complete her work. However when Bruce spoke to Ivy this weekend it turned out she was spending her time with Harvey and that once again Harvey took her shopping to buy lots of clothing and other items.

Bruce has told Ivy that although he isn't comfortable with the Spain holiday, it's her life and she must choose what she does.

Bruce has asked my oppinion and my advice was that she was acting very immaturely and wasn't being fair on either of them - Ivy is using both the guys to get everything she wants and doesn't understand what she is doing wrong. She's also making him feel bad for things he can't change (money) and if you honestly love someone you wouldn't do that. I pointed out to Bruce that my friendship with him has a very similar story to Ivy and Harvey's but we're not stringing each along for kicks, we actually like to be friends.

Do any of you guys have any further insight to this?

Ps sorry for the Batman names. I was under orders -by Bruce Wayne-

shellistar Mon 11-May-15 10:58:16

Wow strike through fail and its Harvey taking Ivy on holiday if that wasn't clear!

pocketsaviour Mon 11-May-15 11:04:23

LOL at the names, but there's little else here that's funny.

So basically Ivy is a prostitute who doesn't have sex with her client? Grim. She sounds like a total user and I would drop her like a brick.

loveareadingthanks Mon 11-May-15 11:36:57

Ivy is not a nice person. Or she's a very immature person, which if she's just finishing uni at the normal age, she's allowed to be as she's only 20/21 years old.

She's enjoying playing a few games with both of them.

Poor Harvey -she's stringing him along for money/presents.
Poor Bruce - she's rubbing his nose in it about Harvey's spending power/holiday because she's tripping on Bruce feeling jealous/not up to scratch. I wonder if she expects Bruce to somehow start buying her lots too.

I really think your mate needs to go find himself an adult woman instead. I can't see this making him happy. What she wants (a bit of fun/presents/to feel all important and chased after by men) isn't what he needs to get dragged into.

molyholy Mon 11-May-15 11:42:00

I think you should change Ivy's name to 'The Joker', because she is completely taking the piss out of both these men.

Bruce needs to dump her.

Marisaurus Mon 11-May-15 11:47:33

What are Ivy's plans when uni is over? Does she see her friendship with Harvey coming to a natural end?

I think this would be a dealbreaker, if I were Bruce.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Mon 11-May-15 11:49:52

I think you need to ask Bruce why he loves someone who is happy to treat people like that.

TheJiminyConjecture Mon 11-May-15 11:51:24

I'd be very surprised if Harvey isn't her (other) boyfriend.

Bruce needs to get rid

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-May-15 11:56:05

Bruce needs to stop seeing her as a prize to be won.
She's the booby prize.
He needs to get rid and find himself someone who's properly into him.
Good grief, if I announced I was going to Spain and staying in the same tent with man who is NOT my OH, my OH would not put up with it. He wouldn't need to though because I wouldn't disrespect him that much.
She must be seriously good looking with big 'assets' to be able to get away with what she is.

Bruce!! Stop being a muppet. No woman wants a weak man.

shellistar Mon 11-May-15 12:25:38

Thanks everyone for putting this much more eloquently than I ever could. "Bruce" has the link and I know he's grateful for your help. Not too sure about the size of her "assets" wink

Cabrinha Mon 11-May-15 12:43:02

Bruce: find some pride. And step away from dating until you work out why you're prepared to put up with scum like her. Bad enough she's using Harvey for gifts but to rub your nose in it too? How can you like her, let alone love her?

Skiptonlass Mon 11-May-15 12:50:41

Bruce needs to ditch ivy, pronto. She's a little shit.

Find someone nicer Bruce!

HazleNutt Mon 11-May-15 12:54:43

Bruce, if you are looking for a proper relationship, stop chasing immature little girls, who are just having fun and playing you. Don't you feel humiliated and used, when a person who claims she loves you is also happily and openly dating someone else? Going on a holiday with another man and rubbing your nose in it? Does that really sound like love?

CupidStuntSurvivor Mon 11-May-15 13:28:52

Well I wouldn't want to be with someone who was openly treating her 'friend' as a cash cow, especially as she knows full well he has feelings for her. Using that to belittle Brucy ain't on either. Chuck Bruce my way instead...I could use a decent bloke who's willing to listen to reasonwink

shellistar Mon 11-May-15 13:44:05

Hi Cupid If you're in the North West I'll pass the message on smile

confusedoflondon Mon 11-May-15 13:50:25

Ivy's a dick.

CupidStuntSurvivor Mon 11-May-15 13:52:17

blush I am actually!

CoolAs10Fonzies Mon 11-May-15 13:57:28

Ditch Ivy.

Date Cupid.

Sorted

CupidStuntSurvivor Mon 11-May-15 13:58:45

What a nice tidy solution to a thread! smile

shellistar Mon 11-May-15 14:09:48

I love it when a plan comes together.

PM me grin wink

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 11-May-15 14:17:32

Is Ivy only seeing these two men, I agree it is probable she has Harvey thinking he is #1 and either he is unaware Bruce exists or accepts Bruce is the faithful 'ex' she is too kind to tell get lost, "He's harmless".

I was thinking of Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's btw.

Shuang Mon 11-May-15 14:41:48

Bruce,
1. Dump Ivy
2. Get a STI check
3. Show Cupid the all clear message and date her
4. Enjoy
:-)

everyvotecounts Mon 11-May-15 15:35:52

you seem a bit overinvolved OP?

Bruce clearly is getting something out of the interaction - why would a man in his thirties be after someone in their LAST YEAR OF UNI?

although you're describing him as some "sensitive" sort he's coming across as someone who wants a nubile thing (presumably a lot more physically conventionally attractive than him) on his arm.

He's had experience of dating. there are women available his own age at a similar income level who pay their half (including you OP)

Bruce has explicitly chosen someone he presumably feels is more desirable (to him) because of her youth, turning down all those women his own age (sorry Cupid I reckon he wouldn't be interested in you)

and now he wants to complain because "surprise surprise" the 22 year old living off loans isn't after a fairly financially equitable relationship.

And he wants his female "friends" to bitch about her and condemn her as a slut? Seems like he's not the nice guy you seem to think he is OP.

CupidStuntSurvivor Mon 11-May-15 15:47:04

Jesus every, where did you get all that from? confused

Zillie77 Mon 11-May-15 16:02:21

Hey, now, I dated a 33 year old when I was 22 or so and we had a very equal relationship. Not all women are airheads at that age. Now clearly this young woman has some ethical issues, but I don't think that a man who dates a younger woman can be assumed to be looking for a nubile partner only.

(I did end up marrrying a younger man, though; he was much more mature than I was at the time. I have almost caught up after 19 years of marriage.)

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