Am I over-reacting?

[Trillian79]

I met my husband when I was 17, nearly 20 years ago. We moved in together shortly afterwards and have been together ever since, although we did split up for a year 10 years ago. We have a 2 and a half year old daughter.
When we first met, he was still getting over his ex who he had split up with two years previously. It caused lots of issues in our early relationship. For example, after a year of us being together I discovered that he was still carrying her photo around in his wallet. Another time, he ran into her in the pub, and instead of introducing her to me he ferried her over to the other side of the pub, leaving me sitting there while they had a nice catch up and exchanged numbers. As I said, this was a huge issue and we nearly split up over it, as I felt he wasn't over her.

As time passed, these issues faded into memory and we got on with our lives. A couple of years ago, she re-surfaced on Facebook. At the time I thought nothing of it. More recently, however, she commented on something he'd said. As far as I can tell no other contact was made (I don't know for sure)> I've been having an extremely difficult time emotionally as of late. I've had to quit my job as I'm so stressed and have been losing my hair which the doctor has said is also down to stress. I have always been the main breadwinner as my husband moves from job to job. Because of the way I've been feeling I asked him to delete her to from facebook about a month ago. Uncharacteristically, he exploded. Shouting, bringing up things I've said in arguments over a long period of time, accusing me of not trusting him, arguing that him not deleting her was a 'principle'. Our argument was so severe that I was left in absolute bits, having extremely dark thoughts. A few days later I checked and she was still friends with him on FB. I decided to ignore it, figuring I was over-reacting.

Tonight, we went out for a few drinks and I brought it up again (stupidly). Once again, he has exploded. Shouting, calling me a misery, saying I've ruined another perfectly good night. Refusing to delete her again and again because of the 'principle'. That I don't trust him, etc., etc. He has now left and gone to his mother's. I have no-one to turn to, no friends or close family - we've recently moved to the area and I have no contact with my mother.

I pointed out to him that if she is so un-important why is this turning into such a big deal. Why is keeping her on FB more important than my feelings? I may be over-reacting, but if it is upsetting his wife, why keep her on there? What upsets me most is not that she is on his FB but his reaction to my asking him to remove her, on more than one occasion. Given that she came before me (more than 20 years ago!) I'm left feeling that our whole relationship has been a lie, that I was always second choice. I don't know if this is my depression talking or if I am actually right to think he is being unreasonable. I guess I need some perspective here, am I being ridiculous? I should mention, that I haven't even thought about his ex in years, nor have I cared - it is the recent FB contact and his aggressive reaction which made me feel this way....am feeling very alone and so unhappy. When he left tonight he said that this was it for us. There are loads of other issues in our relationship (no sex for example). But I can't bring myself to believe that I have been second choice for all of these years.

[CalleighDoodle]

Do you know his password to check messages?
His reaction doesnt seem proportional.

[CalleighDoodle]

Ive read to the end now. I think hr is having an affair, or planning to and you making this demand gave him an easy out

[CocktailQueen]

No, you're not over-reacting. He is. His reaction is totally insane and thus suspicious. He sounds v defensive.

If you have other problems, such as no sex, you being the main breadwinner as he flits from job to job, etc., then maybe concentrate on those first...

Are you happy with him? What do you get out of the relationship?

Hugs. Sounds very tricky.

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

His reaction is a bit much but if my OH was telling me I had to delete an ex from 20 years ago that I'm friendly with simply because they commented on something on Facebook, I probably wouldn't be best impressed. In what sounds like an already fragile relationship, you're pretty much telling him you don't trust him.

I'm not saying he's not up to anything untoward, but if he's genuinely not, I can understand his reaction.

[Joysmum]

If my DH asked me to delete a facebook friend, I'd be sad that he wasn't confident and comfortable in your relationship and I'd be wanting to do my share in trying to improve things.

[Trillian79]

thanks for the replies. I guess I'm upset not because I think he's actually being unfaithful, but that he has been emotionally unfaithful for the whole of our relationship. He has other exes on FB btw, it's just that she is the one that really jeopardised our early relationship and he knows how I feel about him contacting her.
I don't understand his aggressive reaction and as I said, he's actually walked out now, rather than delete her. It makes me feel like keeping her on FB is more important than me after twenty years which sounds ridiculous, but he's left me knowing how fragile I am over something that should never have been such a big deal in my eyes.

[Cherryapple1]

I think he sounds like an ungrateful cocklodger. What other issues are there in your relationship?

I think you know you can't trust him - and I think you deserve much better than him. Why would you stay with him?

[Trillian79]

He's never had a permanent job. I've paid off his debts and am resigned to being the 'responsible' one, and that we will never have a lot of money with only my wage coming in. After the first couple of years we've never had a normal sex life (once in a few months is normal, sometimes longer, always me instigating. He won't talk about it, claims there is nothing wrong). He has never been affectionate, never been romantic or thoughtful but always, I thought, trustworthy and reliable which means a lot to me.

I used to feel that he was by best friend. But now he doesn't even react even if I am in floods of tears. Tonight he accused me of whinging when I was crying. I am genuinely not putting it on. I feel like if I can't trust him, I can't trust anyone and I have no-where to go. I've been with him my entire adult life.

[tallwivglasses]

Oh god, then time to get rid, surely. Find out who you are and what you want - you may surprise yourself

[TRexingInAsda]

You're not over reacting at all, I'd be exactly the same. Now effectively you have asked him to choose between her and you, and he's chosen her - twice. I hope he'll be satisfied with his fb friend and his principles, while you are happy without him. And he can pay his own fucking debts from now on too. Seriously, find someone who values you - or even better, BE someone who values you, and tell him to sling his hook. x

[AnyFucker]

He sounds like shit partner all round, tbh

I am sure you can do better than this

[Allofaflumble]

He is a complete waste of headspace. Surely being single has to be better for your emotional well being?

If he was a great lover I might just understand why you have put up with all this fartarsing over an ex.

[winkywinkola]

Complete over reaction in his part.

Utterly irrational.

You're not asking him to delete her on a whim.

He sounds dreadful. Cut him loose. He won't do very well! You will though, op. You really will.

[BolshierAyraStark]

He's done you a favour, stop being the responsible one & propping him up while he does whatever the fuck he pleases. He sounds like an utter cock tbh, tell him he can stay where he is permanently.

[CocktailQueen]

Oh, op, what are you getting out of this relationship? Cocklodger, and an uncaring, unfeeling one at that. Tell him to sling his hook and stay where he is.

You could do sooo much better.

[BuzzardBird]

Oh God, just the no sex thing alone, it gets worse, it never gets better, let him stay away.

He pines for her, she just doesn't want him back.

[beezlebop]

Sounds like he's still waiting for her. I had this once and the funny gut feeling was right I'm afraid . Even if this is just him think about 40 yrs without sex or much love xxxxx

[SolidGoldBrass]

What do you get out of being in this relationship? You're not benefitting financially, you're not getting any sex and you don't appear to like each other very much.

[Trillian79]

Thank you for the replies.
He returned today, and did the usual thing we do after a row - pretend that nothing has happened, giving me the silent treatment. He kept telling me I was crazy last night and I know he has been saying this to his mother. His parents live up the road and are the only people we know around here - I feel like they are all ganging up on me, as I don't know what he has been saying and of course they'll take his side over mine. We moved here to be closer to his family but I have no-one.

I went for a long drive this afternoon under the guise of going food shopping. Realise I just don't love him anymore and felt a sense of relief at the idea of us splitting up.
I genuinely don't know how to get out of this. We live near his family but I am on my own. We have a small child - I don't want her to grow up in a broken home like I did. I don't have a wider family or any friends to support us. It would just be me and her. How can I do that to her?
The lack of sex is something I resigned myself to years ago. I realised that that was the price to pay for being with him and the stability he brought to my life. It upsets me deeply at times, when I think about living like this for the rest of my life, to think that this is it (I'm only 36). But then day-to-day life takes over, and I settle back into the comfortable groove that is our life.

It's easier for me to settle back into our routine and the comfort of what I have known for so long. I feel like I haven't got the strength it would take to leave and start a new life on my own, with my daughter, without any support to fall back on. I have had a toxic relationship with my mother and my father lives abroad and I have very little contact with him. I have no-one to turn to. This is why I have stuck with him for so long.

[CocktailQueen]

Classic abusive behaviour, OP.

I can see why you are reluctant to leave, honestly, but you and your dd will be so much happier and better off without him. Imagine her growing up and having a relationship with a man just like him because that's what she's learned from you... would that make you happy?

Do you have friends anywhere? Could you move?

[DelphiniumBlue]

So no sex, no job, gives you the silent treatment regularly, not thoughtful, not affectionate... what has he got going for him? What is he contributing?
Sounds like your problems are deeper than the contacting ex on FB that you originally posted about.
And although you say he is trustworthy, your instinct is in fact that you don't trust him being in contact with ex.
You don't have support now, you won't have less if you leave him.

[VanitasVanitatum]

Is he a stay at home parent then? As the higher earner/breadwinner you need to speak to a lawyer before you leave; it's not impossible that you may end up losing custody and paying spousal support as well as maintenance.

[CalleighDoodle]

This is how he controls you. I had this wi th an ex. He woukd stsrt an argument, walk iut sayin bbbn it was over, then phime the day after to give it anither go. When I came to my senses I waited fOr him to repeat the behaviour, was two weeks! Then said ok, blocked him in fb etc. He sent abusive messages sayin he never said he was ending the rel?.. er yes he did. Nob. Eventually he stopped tryimg to contact me.

[CalleighDoodle]

Whats the difference bwtween an unemployed parent and a sahp?