Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trust

(8 Posts)
neelie21 Thu 07-May-15 17:42:05

I have been happily married for 22 years with 2 DDs age 13 and 21. We've had our ups and downs but mostly very happy. I have never had any trust issues with him until the 10 January this year. He had taken the dog for a walk and left his wallet in the hall (which he does all the time). To this day I have no idea what prompted me to go through it but I did. First let me tell you that he works in finance in Central London and frequently has lunches, occasional dinners etc. so to find a receipt for £130 for classy Italian restaurant in Mayfair was no surprise (the lunch receipt for Fri 9 Jan was for 2 people only so not especially cheap). My suspicions were aroused so I checked it against his diary. It was noted Lunch with (I have withheld female name) but she is a finance journalist with a noted UK journal. As she was not a client I thought this was a generous lunch indeed. On his return as we sat with the papers and tea we casually discussed our working week and checked diaries together for the coming week. As we were side by side and could see each others diary pages easily I said "Oh you had a lunch with the paper" and he said "yes it was hosted by them and there were about 12 of us". "Oh they splashed out at such a nice restaurant, was it a buffet or could you order a la carte", "just a buffet", "still I say lovely food and free" or words to that effect and he says yes it was really good food and was a freebie.

I am trying to remain cool but I feel my legs turning to jelly and my heart trying to burst through my chest. I make an excuse to go for a walk but before I do I check wallet and receipt is gone and not in his expenses pile either. I go for walk. He catches up with me on park bench about 45 mins later pretending to wonder what is up with me. All very calmly I tell him that I found the receipt but then I couldn't find it later and why did he lie. He admitted he had a lunch with said person and said that the receipt was in his expenses pile. I said no I checked very thoroughly and it was not. He said I must has missed it. It turned out he had it in his back pocket all the time so was trying to confuse me. He also changed meeting in diary to say it was lunch with * paper. He said eventually that he didn't want to tell me in case I was jealous (I have never, ever displayed jealousy before, I'm just not made that way, so why think I would be jealous, he has had many lunches with females before, it's work) I know for a fact there is nothing going on and she would be out of his league, successful, pretty, engaged and young. But I suspect he enjoyed her company for the wrong reasons. He finally admitted that he stupidly tried to cover his tracks and made the hole deeper every time he opened his mouth and that it was a problem he had with confrontation (which is true, he runs a mile at the thought of it). I have forgiven and moved on to a degree but it keeps popping back in my head and the anger and frustration surfaces all over again. I''m sure he's never been unfaithful as he is home most evenings and is a family man who is loving and kind to me and DDs. The trust thing has put a crack in the foundations even though it was a very silly one. Please, I would appreciate different viewpoints as I have not shared this with anyone. I'm just too proud I guess.

Quitelikely Thu 07-May-15 17:46:38

I would be very suspicious here. He had no reason at all to fib and going by his story he still doesn't.

This would tell me you don't have the full facts of that lunch in Mayfair.

And that was some lunch. Did he stay out that day? Was alcohol involved? Because that's quite a large bill for food only and then only lunch??

Jan45 Thu 07-May-15 17:52:46

I am the most cynical person on here but for some reason I feel he has done this to avoid a confrontation with you.

At worst he has enjoyed a female's company, I don't see an affair.

At least talk to him again about it, tell him how it is making you feel, nobody is perfect, he's possibly fucked up yes but not majorly, certainly not worth throwing 22 happy years away.

Of course I could be wrong, I'm never surprised at humans!

What has probably pissed you off more is the trying to trick you into thinking you were wrong.

neelie21 Thu 07-May-15 17:53:56

Yes, two glasses of wine each. But that's not too surprising in his business. I used to work in finance myself. There is no way in a million years she would fancy him as she is a jolly hockysticks kinda girl with fab boyfriend and they travel alot to classy destinations. My husband is a handsome 52 year old but not super confident with someone like that and he's not a rich banking guy that a girl would target. He wants her to publish something I know that but I suspect there was/is (who knows) a bit of a crush and wanted to impress but really not from her side.

neelie21 Thu 07-May-15 17:55:04

Jan45. You've hit the nail on the head. I'm super pissed off as I feel made a fool of

newnamesamegame Thu 07-May-15 21:17:31

Can I just chip in here as an ex journalist that I've had loads of lunches like this with contacts where flirting is almost part of the routine but its professional flirting.

You're flirting with them to get stories out of them. They're flirting with you to put themselves and/or their company in the best possible light. This happens all the time without crossing a line and you know that its part of a professional dance and is not really about sex or love. (Occasionally it does tip over into these things but nine times out of ten it doesn't.)

I can imagine he could have felt slightly awkward about having engaged in this professional flirting but without for a second having considered actually acting on it. I used to feel uncomfortable about having had these lunches and not want to talk to my H about them. Not because I had anything to hide, but because I knew it would look dodgy to him.

I have no idea if your H has something going on with this journalist or not but I'm just saying its perfectly possible he feels awkward and embarrassed enough to lie to you without having actually crossed a line....

AnyFucker Thu 07-May-15 21:41:37

For most people deception is "crossing a line"

MaMaof04 Fri 08-May-15 16:24:59

Neelie
My opinion for what it is worth-
I agree with Jan45-
I think that he kept the receipt as some 'souvenir' of their lunch together-
A silly middle-aged man fantasy about a young successful woman.
You found the receipt and it is like (sorry for what I say- I might be completely wrong) if a mum found some porn magazine copy in her teenage boy in his room. So he felt embarrassed.
The fact that he came after you when you went out walking shows clearly that he is remorseful.
You can leave him have his little fantasies. Alternatively you can arrange a nice date with him in some nice pub/restaurant and talk about:
- feelings (your feelings when tried to fool you: it hurt me when you did not come up front about the lunch- this covering up was even harder that the lying - when you speak focus on your feelings more than on what he did- that way he might open up to talk about feelings),
- romanticism that get drowned in the grind of every day life.
Rekindle your romance- by planning little trips etc In short try to transform this into some opportunity to pep up your life. (I might be completely wrong. Only you can feel better than us what is correct and what can be done.)
Good luck!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now