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Desperate for advice. To leave or not to leave... URGENT

(30 Posts)
OMFGWHY Thu 07-May-15 15:36:44

Hi all, the reason this is so urgent is because my partner has just gone to work and will be finishing his shift by 10pm tonight, home no later than 11 at the latest.
I want to make my decision in this time and need some advice/perspective.
DP has always been quite a closed off person, this has caused some tension as i am a very open person. On one hand he wants to be open and share everything with his partner (Aka myself) but on the other he is scared of things turning out like a bad relationship he had years ago (they were together for 5.5 years, broke up 2.5 years ago) It dragged on for far longer than necessary, there was lots of cheating on his exes part, she refused to get a job and support herself (and for 4 months after the breakup refused to move out because she "Couldn't afford it") DP was left in 5k of debt with her owing him another 3k, He was financially crippled and has only very recently gotten back on track. We are expecting our first child in November (Unplanned but these things happen and we are happy about it) DP has lots of issues with the way he was treated by his ex. Here are some things that happened (that i know of but i suspect there may be more)
-they got together as students and had an open relationship, after approx 6 months he decided he no longer wanted an open relationship, she decided she did want it to continue but in the end they both agreed (not sure under what circs) that a "closed" relationship was best.
-after this his ex became unhappy and started sleeping around behind his back.
-Dp dropped out of uni and got a job, ex dropped out of uni and did not get a job leaving him supporting them on minimum wage (nigh on impossible even while doing 55 hour work weeks)
-Ex manipulated, bullied and emotionally hurt dp.
-Ex lied to and about dp to lots of people (Even one time claiming DP had held a knife on her- on this particular occasion my own sister, as a friend of DP,s and several other people confirmed that he did not act violently nor was anywhere near a knife)
This relationship was very abusive and damaging and dragged on for far longer than necessary as dp was afraid of being alone.
DP has carried this hurt with him for all the time we've been together (a little over a year) and began to take it out on me, whilst he was not abusive he has for weeks at a time become distant, cold, affectionate and very inattentive, in times where he was not like this he was still closed off, would rarely show affection and was very depressed.
I stuck it out until a month ago, I went nuclear and screamed at him about it all and pointed out all of his behaviors (cold, moody, snappy, irritable, distant etc etc etc) and how all of it made me feel and how i couldnt bring a child into such an unloving or uncaring environment.
After this DP broke down in front of me and said how sorry he was and since has tried to talk things through, be more open, much more affectionate and loving with me but I don't feel I can trust him, for so long he has treated me like I'm a witch to be burnt at the stake and now I just do not trust him and im not 110 percent this is even worth working on tbh, Right from the honeymoon phase (hate that term, but the lovely shiny start of a relationship phase) he has been like this and I want to be with someone who loves me and shows it often (Im not talking massive bundles of flowers and stuff im talking forehead kisses and a "Im happy to see you" if i've gone away for a few days etc)
To leave or not to leave? im rush typing atm but will answer any questions if i've left something out

pompodd Thu 07-May-15 15:40:24

Without wishing to appear harsh, isn't the only question that should matter: does this relationship make me feel happy and fulfilled?

Your OP doesn't give that impression so surely that's your answer?

girlgamergoesbad Thu 07-May-15 15:45:00

What happened after you confronted DP? Has his behaviour changed in anyway? I'm not saying he would have to have done a complete 180 but has he shown any signs of changing and becoming more open?
I think you have to really try and calmly talk to him about this. Shouting and screaming at him won't force him to change, you're just getting the reaction of someone who thinks he has done wrong so is responding that way (probably used to it from his ex.)
Calmly discussing the matter could go a long way, express your worries of raising a child with him, explain that you don't feel you can trust him. Then encourage him to talk about how he feels. For him to do that, you have to create a safe environment.
All may not be lost, but if talking doesn't resolve it then you may have to look at moving on.
Keep us updated flowers

GoatsDoRoam Thu 07-May-15 15:46:49

You are not in any immediate danger, so I don't understand why you need to decide by 10 pm tonight. This doesn't sound like the kind of man you need to do a moonlight flit from. Are you afraid of his reaction if you tell him you want to split?

Your post is all about his ancient history, and very little about your present.

You don't sound happy, though. And that's probably all the indication you need that this relationship is not right for you. In which case, it is perfectly ok to end it.

Elllimam Thu 07-May-15 15:48:04

I think it sounds like he has had a really bad time. Has his behaviour started to change since you shouted at him? I agree with PP it might be better to speak calmly to him.

HellKitty Thu 07-May-15 15:48:11

I think you need to write it all down, stressing how little you imagine he feels for you and also that you are NOT his ex. Blowing up can miss key points so a letter puts everything down. Then bugger off for a couple of days.

StampysLoveGarden Thu 07-May-15 15:49:55

Yes. DO leave.

This is coming from somebody else who seized a moment and walked away.

I have never regretted it. YOu need to tap back in to your rights and needs. You deserve to be happy.

Never mind him. GO and start your life, and you can enjoy a life without him a lot more than the endurance test you're living now.

I wish you ALL the best brew

I think I understand why you have to go now. Will there be like a court case, where he takes what you've said and repeats it back to you with a different interpretation, puts you on trial and makes you defend your right to leave, or tells you that you don't know your own mind etc etc... so that you feel you cannot have a conversation about leaving because he wouldn't hear what you say?

Cherryapple1 Thu 07-May-15 15:51:09

I don't think he is over his ex so not ready for a new relationship. I don't understand why you need to decide in the next 6 hours though?

StampysLoveGarden Thu 07-May-15 15:51:54

ps, even your screen name sounds quite desperate. You don't owe it to this guy to restore his faith in women. He might make you feel like that but it's not your responsibility.

Being very unhappy is reason enough to leave a relationship.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 07-May-15 15:55:50

Get out while you can. This man is the sort of abuser who plays the victim card rather than controlling by fear - his ex might have been horrible to him but only after prolonged bouts of him treating her exactly the way he's treating you. I bet he told her that his previous ex was a nasty old moo cow who trampled his special feelings and he was too 'broken' to be a good partner.

He's a manipulative, dishonest arsehole. Don't waste any more time.

Jan45 Thu 07-May-15 16:08:25

OFGS, why is he harping on about his ex, they were only together 5 years, not 50, and I bet she has a completely different story to tell.

Sorry OP, I still don't get how that entitles him to treat you like shit, you've only been with him for a couple of years yes and it's like this, get out, he's really not worth it, he's not going to give you what you want because he likes being cold, nasty and self centred, no wonder the ex left him, he sounds an absolute nightmare.

Stay with him and you will be his mother as well as his punch bag.

Jan45 Thu 07-May-15 16:13:11

So you've only actually been with him a year and it's like this - it's doomed OP.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Thu 07-May-15 16:19:05

On the other hand... If I was being a bit off with my OH and instead of them raising it with me in a mature and considered way they "went nuclear on me", I think I'd be the one packing my bags and getting out of there...

OP why do you need to go now? Where would you go, and what contact do you envisage having with DP in the short term and when your baby arrives?

newstart15 Thu 07-May-15 16:25:42

I think you need to understand why you put up with this behaviour so soon into a relationship? It seems you have rushed into this relationship and made commitments, living together and a baby when you are still trying to work out what he's like.

I don't understand how him being hurt by someone else made him be horrible to you - usually you are just so delighted to meet someone who doesn't mistreat you that you value them. I would say that his issues relate to him and possibly his childhood but you CANNOT fix that.

If he wants to rebuild trust then he has to choose to do the work - he can't just cry and say sorry. However the question I ask again "why would you put in so much work for someone you know just under a year"

I guess you are both young'ish but when you're older you may realise that if you commit to him then this is as good as it gets.

Is he really the best person you will ever meet in your life?

category1 Thu 07-May-15 16:28:28

All that stuff about his ex is irrelevant. You are not her. If he's not capable of moving on and uses his past as a stick to beat you with or to excuse poor behaviour towards you, he's not fit to be in a relationship.

Quitelikely Thu 07-May-15 16:47:19

I think his mask is slipping. Nothing helps it fall like a pregnancy/baby.

I don't know if he's depressed or not. I really can't say if he's awful because of his past or not but its not really fair to project it onto you.

You didn't cause him trouble.

Skiptonlass Thu 07-May-15 17:17:41

Op, I'm going to be blunt.

Are you sure, really sure, that all the fault in the last relationship lay with the ex? While I don't doubt there are some true harridans out there, the "my ex was a psycho" story has always raised red flags for me. Maybe I'm cynical but I've heard too many revisionist histories of past relationships from people who can't or won't own up to the role their own behaviour played in a break up.

As pps have said - is the mask slipping a bit? Is his behaviour to you, now, regardless of his past, acceptable?

ilovemargaretatwood8931 Thu 07-May-15 17:58:42

TBH OP, I don't think you should feel terrible about his past, but concentrate on this-

I don't feel I can trust him, for so long he has treated me like I'm a witch to be burnt at the stake and now I just do not trust him and im not 110 percent this is even worth working on tbh

It sounds like you are in an unpleasant relationship, he's treating you badly, neither of you are at all happy. Why are you with him still? Will you be able to cope on your own? If so, leave.

eddielizzard Thu 07-May-15 18:03:03

i agree. it's not all about his ex.

bottom line: you don't trust him. a good, strong relationship is not like this.

DCITennison Thu 07-May-15 18:05:28

His behaviour has nothing at all to do with his ex. It's his personality.
Stop buying into the ex nonsense, just look at him for who he is and decide if you want to be with him. But don't stay in the hope he'll change, take him at face value for who he is right now.

DicteSvendsen Thu 07-May-15 21:21:33

Not ten yet. Still time to go.

DicteSvendsen Thu 07-May-15 21:23:07

I never did anything to my x except bend over backwards for him and walk around eggshells around him for eight years and he comes out with nonsense like "ill never forgive you for what you did to me". So I bet his x would give a similar story, how she ran for the hills because he was choking in his own martyrdom

owlborn Fri 08-May-15 00:27:33

I don't know why but the 'his ex lied about him' is ringing alarm bells for me, especially this knife story. I dunno. I'm sure some women have lied about abuse, but not as often as I think some men claim. It's just an oddly specific thing for her to make up out of whole cloth and the 'alibi' element of the rebuttal worries me.

Laladeepsouth Fri 08-May-15 05:08:42

What I'm hearing is that you think he's not an abusive person because he hasn't punched you in the face or pushed you down the stairs. You mean he hasn't been physically violent.

I agree with the poster above who says "His mask is slipping" now that he is seeing unwanted real responsibilities on the horizon. Having an initial "open" relationship with his previous partner probably says a lot more about him and their relationship than you realize. I agree with the above posters who just don't quite believe his pitiful story and that the "knife" story is a huge red flag. And, honestly, no one leaves uni to work 55 hours a week at a minimum wage job to "support" his girlfriend! Oh, he quit for sure, but there's got to be more to that story and the thousands in debt. Most everyone experiences a really bad, heartbreaker of a relationship when they're in college or at university or as a young adult, but it just doesn't usually evidence itself as "cold, distant" behavior with the new love.

The fact that he is possibly/probably a monstrous LIAR is quite worrying and something else you need to think about. I don't know what to tell you; you sound young and pretty naive. Do you have any type of safety net/family?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 08-May-15 05:30:22

OK - assuming that his life history as you detail it is actually true, then what has he done to get over this past relationship, anything?
If nothing, then I would suggest he gets himself to counselling to try and sort it out, put it behind him and grow up. If it's all as he says, then he's had a shit experience and I can see how that would have a negative impact on his trust; but he can't allow it to ruin any subsequent relationships just because he can't deal with it by himself.

I don't have any trouble believing that his ex lied about him, because sometimes they do. If your sister actually knows that the knife story is a lie, and that the ex used to sleep around, then that's "independent" corroboration of your BF's version of events and doesn't paint his ex in a very nice light at all.

It's not uncommon for people out of their depth emotionally in a relationship to withdraw - but it IS completely unhelpful and is likely to perpetuate a self-destructive cycle, leading to self-fulfilling prophecy situations: women (or men) aren't trustworthy, they hurt you, they leave you, it's not safe to trust them, it's better to protect myself and not give too much of myself, better not to trust them, because they're not trustworthy and they hurt you... etc. etc.

I don't know if you made a decision, but I hope you didn't rush into it after all - I think it needs more careful thinking about. I don't see why you needed to decide in such a rush - you're not in any danger, you didn't need to go to WA or somewhere he couldn't find you, what was the urgency? confused

Only you can really know if you can live with this man - but you say that after you "went nuclear" on his arse, he has changed for the better, you just don't trust him to maintain it. Well, he's more likely to maintain it if he can eliminate his demons from before - so perhaps make the suggestion that he would probably benefit from counselling, and that you would see that as a positive step towards rebuilding trust within your relationship. You can't force someone to it - but you can certainly give them incentive to give it a go.

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