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BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

(257 Posts)
Mumtoonedarling Wed 06-May-15 22:38:11

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

fiveacres Wed 06-May-15 22:40:27

Sorry this has upset you. I'm a little confused, though - why is it you don't want him going to this gym? smile

I can't really understand or get my head around a 4am get out of bed shock but it sounds as though he pulls his weight, pardon the pun?

MooseBeTimeForSpring Wed 06-May-15 22:40:28

So you spat your dummy out because he wants to go to a gym that you can't?

MrsBlobby64 Wed 06-May-15 22:41:12

I'm a bit confused here.... What is the problem with you both using the same gym??

LizzieVereker Wed 06-May-15 22:41:29

Hiya - welcome to MN. Sorry for being dense, but why can't you train at the other gym if you want to?

VanitasVanitatum Wed 06-May-15 22:42:17

You don't want him to train at the gym he likes because you would like to train there but don't?

You have membership of a different gym and train there?

YABU.

Teladi Wed 06-May-15 22:42:20

I'm not sure I really understand but it sounds like YABU. He's found somewhere that he can train that means he doesn't have to be away from you at night, and he's still picking up domestic duties, which is what you wanted. Isn't all that more important to you?

Why can't you train there as well anyway?

Muddlewitch Wed 06-May-15 22:43:38

Why can't you go to that gym? Couldn't you get a joint membership and he goes in the morning and you go in the evening?

AnyFucker Wed 06-May-15 22:44:31

Why does both of your already busy lives revolve so much around training in a certain way, at a certain gym, with obscure reasons why you can't do it in certain ways or at the same place ?

I am beat on this one

MarthaMonkeynuts Wed 06-May-15 22:44:59

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

He found a potential new gym and visited it but you are upset because you would like to train there? You feel you both can't train at the same gym? He pays for your gym membership elsewhere currently and is happy for you to go in the evenings?

If so, I think YABU

AlpacaMyBags Wed 06-May-15 22:46:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarthaMonkeynuts Wed 06-May-15 22:46:15

Oops sorry, not AIBU blush

NaiceNickname Wed 06-May-15 22:47:37

You both sound unhinged. Him for getting up at 4am to drive 30 minutes to a gym, and you for spitting your dummy out because he wants to go to a gym that you cant for whatever reason I'm still not sure of.

Pipbin Wed 06-May-15 22:49:12

This is not AIBU.

What kind of training does he do that makes it worth his while getting up at 4am, this raises questions.

Why can't you train there?

lucidlady Wed 06-May-15 22:49:17

Are you ableto explain a bit more about why this upsets you?

Mumtoonedarling Wed 06-May-15 22:49:21

I can't train there because it's a 30min drive from where we live. His office is around the corner from the gym, so it is a good location.

I'm upset because if I could, I would train at that gym as the owner is an old friend of mine but it is across the other side of town - we moved to where we live currently to be closer to my family and he told me that if that is what I wanted we would do that. His family live an hour out of town - and has no child care facilities. When I do train it is at night when my BF can look after our child or during the mornings when he is at work and my currents gyms creche can look after our daughter.

PatriciaHolm Wed 06-May-15 22:51:39

If you actually mean that you had a go at him because he might end up training at a gym you wanted to go to, then yes of course you are being massively unreasonable.

Getting up at 4am to train sounds insane though.

NickiFury Wed 06-May-15 22:51:42

YOU are being utterly ridiculous.

God knows what how you'll react when a REAL problem arises in your life.

fiveacres Wed 06-May-15 22:52:12

Oh, I don't think she's unhinged. From the sound of things, sport/training is a massive part of their lives and I'm guessing she's upset as she can't carry on as she'd like while he can - is that about it OP?

Substitute 'gym for work or similar and it would make more sense.

OP, we are all too horrified, I think, at someone getting up at 4 shock grin but do you feel your partner is mostly fair and equal?

It can come as a shock when you have a baby. I remember being most indignant I had to take it with me everywhere I went grin

Mumtoonedarling Wed 06-May-15 22:53:38

As I said, he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child. He gave it up so we could save money and it was also very time intensive. He still tries to train in a Crossfit style and there are very few "normal" gyms that accommodate this where we live. He gets up at 4am to drive 30mins to his current gym. Trains for 1.5 to 2 hours (Very time intensive). Showers, eats then goes to work.

dinoswore Wed 06-May-15 22:53:40

Is this something to do with him having freedom to go wherever he pleases and you being tied down to a local gym with a creche due to childcare responsibilities?

I can sort of understand your frustration if this is the case - often after DC arrive in our lives, we find that men get to lead more or less the same lives they always led with some compromises here and there, while women's lives are completely transformed, dictated by DC's needs. The big sacrifices (and loss of freedom) tend to be made by women.

On the surface of it, what you have said is unreasonable. But I think your feelings are coming from a place of deeper dissatisfaction with your situation.

Do you work at all? What do you do that is just for you?

AnyFucker Wed 06-May-15 22:54:30

Still not getting the problem

You wanted to move closer to your family but it is further from this completely unique gym. That was your choice, yes?

But he wants to go there because he has to drive near it anyway for work ? So, a reasonable decision in the circumstances.

Are you Jessica Ennis-Hill ?

AlternativeTentacles Wed 06-May-15 22:54:46

Why cant you get to that gym if you want to join it? If it is because you wanted to move closer to your family and dont drive, then you cant have it both ways.

MmeMorrible Wed 06-May-15 22:55:12

Ok so you feel you can't train at the gym your friend runs because it's an hour round trip there & back which makes it too far from home & it doesn't have a crèche. However you have a reasonable alternative gym close to home with a crèche & your partner looks after DC if you wish to train in the evening.

All sounds fine - why don't you want him to go to the friends gym? You think it's good (as you want to go there) & it's well located for your partners work. What are we missing??

CarnivalBearSetFree Wed 06-May-15 22:56:23

Eh!? Sorry but this sounds bizarre. You're upset because he wants to join the gym you want to join but can't?

Don't you drive? If he currently drives 30 minutes to the gym why can't you? You said he looks after the child at night when you want to train. Why is the gym you want to join that is owned by your friend so much better than the one you're at now?

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