Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

re-thinking the future with him

(42 Posts)
CarryOnFighting Wed 06-May-15 13:24:55

I am considering ending my relationship after 4 years. DP and I are supposed to be moving in together in July (with my 9-year-old DD) and I need to make a decision.

I want to give a lot of background so as not to drip feed so I apologise if it is long, I am going to try and bullet point as much as possible.

We met online. The relationship developed very slowly. He was quite reluctant to commit. For a long time, he would not leave OD and on a couple of occasions in the first 18 months I saw texts from other women which caused arguments.

For the first few years, everything would be fantastic for a while but whenever we argued or an issue arose we would split up. I could never get him to discuss anything. We would always continue to text and then get back together. I guess things were always largely on his terms.

The relationship became more serious when he had to start working away during the week about 18 months ago. Shortly before the stat of the contract, we argued again and decided we had to end it anyway as he was going to be away. We continued to stay in touch, decided we couldn’t live without each other (mutual) and we would make a proper go of it.

We planned to move intogether this summer

Last November, I fell pregnant. I would have kept the baby but he didn’t want to. He said he “wasn’t going there”. If I wanted to keep the baby, I would have had to do it on my own. We split again because I felt he wasn't supporting me.

I decided I didn’t want to do it on my own, so I had a termination. We stayed in contact and ended up getting back together after the abortion.

My family were against this and still are. They feel he has treated me badly over the years and the abortion was the last straw.

But I love him and I decided life is better with him. Things were pretty blissful for several months and we planned our future together. Recently, he has started a new job locally so is around a lot more. We are spending more time together than we ever have and I am wondering if this is just highlighting the fact that really we are not compatible.

I hate the way when he is at my house I have to pick up after him all the time. I hate how untidy and messy his place is.

He is out doing hobbies every night during the week so he comes to mine at 10pm most nights.

But the major thing is last week we had an argument, I told him I was concerned about some things relating to us moving in together and he completely closed up. He cannot communicate and always just says “i am not arguing”. We didn’t speak for days and even when we did see each other he wouldn’t discuss the original issue in depth. I apologised to try and open up the lines of communication and he closed the discussion.

I do love him but I don’t want to live like that. I feel like I have fought so hard over the years to keep us together, I am going against my parents who I love and I don’t want to give up on him now

Is there a way forward?

OhNoNotMyBaby Wed 06-May-15 13:28:45

No.
Why are you still with this man? He doesn't support you, doesn't communicate with you and doesn't spend his time with you.

He's not interested in building a future together, with you, as a couple. You're a convenient sideline to his life.

You seem to be determined to cling on to this man no matter how awful he his to you. Why?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 06-May-15 13:38:36

Why on earth do you want to move in with this person?. Is he really the male role model you want to be showing your DD?. What do you want to teach her about relationships here. This is a dysfunctional role model of a relationship to be at all showing her.

Your own ongoing co-dependency issues (you keep clinging onto the wreckage) are continuing to enable you to make poor relationship decisions. You are also getting sucked into the "sunken costs" fallacy that can happen in relationships; what you forget here is that the damage has already been done.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

HazleNutt Wed 06-May-15 13:50:21

I decided life is better with him. - in what way? do you enjoy the drama, the constant breaking and making up? Or what amazing good points does he have to make up for being unsupportive, selfish slob? I'm sure you're not imagining that anything will improve by living together.

nagsandovalballs Wed 06-May-15 13:50:51

Unless your parents have personality disorders, they love, cherish and want the best for you. If they see flaws, it's because they recognise how harmful it is. Don't let pride or fear stop you from recognising they have your best interests at heart.

He sounds like a selfish man child who turns up at 10 pm for a feed and a shag, but opts out of the proper relationship stuff (dealing with emotions, arguments, how to build a life together).

nagsandovalballs Wed 06-May-15 13:52:31

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so brutal. Bloody typing! It is hard to convey sympathy and concern through a keyboard! And I suck at flowers emoticons etc.

Jan45 Wed 06-May-15 13:53:16

Please don't do it, stay as you are if you still want to continue seeing him. From what you have written I'd guess he just does not love you enough to commit fully to a proper grown up relationship, he's letting you down constantly and all in a small time frame, 4 years is not a long time really.

nagsandovalballs Wed 06-May-15 13:53:19

But he does sound pretty awful. There are some basic clashes/inadequacies which love is unable to overcome.

CarryOnFighting Wed 06-May-15 14:03:17

Ok, thanks everybody, this is helpful....I need this kind of frankness. I could get it off my family but I feel too defensive.

The reason I don't want to press ahead regardless is my DD. I don't want to turn her life upside down, I want to be sure, but I think she will be affected regardless now. Even if we didn't move in together and we split up she would be upset, she loves him and he loves her. They have a really good relationship.

As far as the rest of the relationship goes, I promise you, unless there is an issue, we all have a wonderful time. We are like best friends. We go out to lovely places as a three and as a two at weekends, we get on brilliantly, we have the same sense of humour. It's lovely.

But then the other stuff happens too. He is very supportive with my DD. This will probably sound shallow, and I don't mean this is why I am staying, he is supportive financially - he is generous, he supports us. I could do this on my own now but in the past i have had difficulty and when it's something to do with money he is supportive, just not when it's about feelings or emotions.

I know it doesn't sound like it completely, but I honestly believe he loves me. He loves us both. I don't feel like it is a convenience. Certainly not now. maybe it was in the first couple of years?

We have split up before and never made it a day without contacting each other. It's always him as well, it's not one-sided.

When I was growing up, I learned that you work at relationships. My mum and dad are still together and very happy, but they have had problems. My ex left me for a work colleague and my DP's ex also had an affair. We both have past hurts and baggage.

But I am having doubts quite regularly now.

I know I have defended him on every point but I still want to hear people's views. I do have doubts.

I voiced my doubts to my sister and she urged me to not put my DD through it if I am not 100% sure and to also make sure I don't wake up in 5 years wishing I had made the break sooner.

CarryOnFighting Wed 06-May-15 14:03:40

I hope that answered everybody's questions

CarryOnFighting Wed 06-May-15 14:04:48

nags what to you mean by There are some basic clashes/inadequacies which love is unable to overcome?

CarryOnFighting Wed 06-May-15 14:12:17

sorry, I know I am writing a lot but what I really want to know is how can I be sure either way?

He says he loves me all the time. When I went back to him last time, my parents said he didn't love me "enough" What's enough?

Should you end it if you feel doubts but you still feel like you love someone?

Lurgano Wed 06-May-15 14:16:38

You are getting a unanimous response online and in RL.

Can you hear it? Will you listen to it? If not why ask?

Dont do this to your DD - she deserves better.

Jan45 Wed 06-May-15 14:18:15

You don't have to end it, you could just put off living together, he might love you but as soon as there is any trouble, he's offski isn't he, how will that work when living together?

You will still have `issues` coming up, will he split up with you again and again, and in front of your daughter this time - seriously don't put yourself or her through it.

Stay as you are!

Tbh it needs to be good most of the time and it doesn't sound like it is, he was going behind your back in the first year and a half with other women and you've only been with him four years now.

He basically forced you into an abortion, hardly the actions of a loving partner, I would never have got past that.

pocketsaviour Wed 06-May-15 14:24:46

What does he do to show you he loves you? Apart from spending money on you?

You have a duty to give your daughter a good example of relationships. Currently she's being shown that relationships should be uncommunicative, have constant break up and get back together cycles, involve a lot of shouting and emotional blackmail, include abortions, and be the cause of not talking to your parents.

Do you think that's a good template?

FernGullysWoollyPully Wed 06-May-15 14:25:42

Run.

I lived like this for 7 years with my ex. He used me, treated me badly, cheated... in the end I was totally unrecognisable.

I thought I loved him but in reality he had forced me into a place where I had no family or friends and I almost completely relied on him. It kills me to think what my innocent little dc witnessed. You might think they don't get it, but they do.

HazleNutt Wed 06-May-15 14:27:22

Work at relationship - fine. But the entire relationship should not be hard work.

I can understand the issue with arguing - DH's first wife absolutely loved to fight and argue, he hates confrontation. So whenever there was something we disagreed about, he would also just close up and not talk about it, I guess hoping it will just resolve itself? The difference is though that once I explained that this is not acceptable, and I am not planning to argue, but we do need to discuss - he understood and agreed.

So when you ask him what in his mind should happen if you have a difference of opinion, how would he suggest you sort it out?

Lurgano Wed 06-May-15 14:29:38

Does he really want to move in with you? Who is driving that?

What are the issues that come up regularly? Would he do couples counselling before you move in to iron out any issues?

He sounds like has an avoidant personality type - does nt do commitment - does nt even do communication ... what is there left if this is an intimate relationship?

AuntyMag10 Wed 06-May-15 14:31:38

You have a child and still determined to be with this loser. Is this what you want to model for your dd? Your family, friends are clearly telling you what you already know. You should have dumped him when you first discovered the texts.

CarryOnFighting Wed 06-May-15 14:31:46

Ok, just to clarify...DD knows nothing of the abortion and is often unaware of the "breakup/makeup" cycle, there is never any shouting...largely down to the fact that DP refuses to ever engage in any argument or discussion. I'm not too sure what you mean by emotional blackmail.

Also, my family do speak to me but my parents refuse to have anything to do with DP, which yes, does mean extended family get togethers are off the table.

My family did feel he forced me into an abortion but to be honest I could see his point - did I have the right to force a baby on him any more than he had a right to push me into a termination. In the end, we split up and I made my own decision regarding the baby.

They are valid points though and no I wouldn't want her to settle for anything like this. I suppose that is my answer for me.

I think I thought some people would say communication and slobbishnesh are issues you can work on without throwing in the towel?

Lurgano Wed 06-May-15 14:35:11

I think that you have worked on these issues for too long already - with zero improvement - now is the time to throw in the towel.

CarryOnFighting Wed 06-May-15 14:36:29

Hazlenut It doesn't feel like it is always hard work though which is why I am having a hard time coming to the decision.
The abortion incident happened last year and since we got back together it has been honestly rosy, without any arguing until the last week or so.

I have tried to tell him it doesn't have to be an argument and that we can just discuss. I know I go off on one sometimes and I have promised to work on that. But he just doesn't open up. I apologise for my part of it, he accepts the apology and changes the subject, rolling his eyes if I try to bring it up again

Lurgano He says he does, it's as much his ideas as mine, the arguments have arisen because I feel like he is not taking the steps he needs to with his current place to enable him to move. He has no urgency about it and says it's "his problem not mine"

tribpot Wed 06-May-15 14:36:31

Your entire relationship with him has been on his terms.

He didn't stop online dating after you got together. For eighteen months. And he continued to message other women in that time.

You argue, he says he won't argue, so then you make it up with him.

You have to pick up after him all the time.

He spends every night on his hobby.

He wanted you to terminate, so you did. (I accept that you also decided you didn't want to go it alone, which is your choice to make).

What on earth can you possibly be getting out of this relationship? I assume you are enjoying the drama of him storming off and then coming back saying he can't live without you? But the reality is, he can live without you, he basically is living without you. He is certainly living without respecting or considering you. He decides what will and won't be discussed and does as he damn well pleases.

Whatever it is you're fighting for, it's not there. Please don't put your DD through this - living with someone who keeps storming off and saying it's over? Why would you do that to her?

What does his love mean, if he doesn't treat you well? Not financially but emotionally.

PleaseMakeItStopAlready Wed 06-May-15 14:38:20

Essentially what you've said is that he's lovely, when everything is going fine, but when the going gets tough he refuses to engage with you at all.

PleaseMakeItStopAlready Wed 06-May-15 14:38:20

Essentially what you've said is that he's lovely, when everything is going fine, but when the going gets tough he refuses to engage with you at all.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now