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My friend is stuck.

(7 Posts)
fixedit Wed 06-May-15 12:27:04

My friend is stuck in a relationship that she cannot see a way out of. She goes out to work 60 hours a week, but her dp is off sick due to an injury. Her wages go into his bank account and she has to ask if she wants or needs anything. He does not know if he is planning to go back to work but his employer are pushing for a decision. Money is tight at the minute and if he made a decision they could do something about money in the long term. Every time she tries to talk to him about it he tells her to shut up and fuck off. She says he is too poorly to work but not too poorly to buy drugs and drink a lot. I said to my friend she should get her own bank account and her response was that he would kill her. I said that she needs to get out but with him having access to all her money she can't save to leave etc. She owes the local council money so can't apply for a house with them and says no to women's aid because its not an abusive relationship hmm
She is just stuck. Her family don't know the situation because she's embarrassed.
Any advice would be amazing.

Cherryapple1 Wed 06-May-15 12:31:38

I would tell her about Women's Aid. He is an abuser. He is financially and verbally abusive at the very least.

PatriciaHolm Wed 06-May-15 12:39:06

It is definitely an abusive relationship. Just because he doesn't hit her doesn't mean he can't be financially or emotionally abusive, and he sounds like he is.

Women Aid would be a good start. Opening her own bank account would be another, but I can see why she feels reluctant.

She needs to reach out for help; try to persuade her to talk to her family. Are there children involved? If not then could she stay with family for a short time just while she saved for a rental deposit? Is the existing house rented or mortgaged?

fixedit Wed 06-May-15 12:39:17

I've suggested women's aid because I said the same, he is an abuser and this is only the stuff she's told me. I want to help her so bad but don't know where to start.

fixedit Wed 06-May-15 12:43:37

Yes she had a DD from a previous relationship and they have a DD together. Sorry for the drip feed. I asked her what is the reluctance from him about having your own bank account and she doesn't know. Because of some change in income they are entitled to a little bit of tax credit it but he didn't even tell her until he realised that the council now need copies of her wage slips to recalculate their entitlement. This is how little she knows about their finances. I could quite imagine there was a back payment that he would've squandered. To everyone else he is charm on legs.

Cherryapple1 Wed 06-May-15 12:47:14

I would also encourage her to confide in her family. If she tells people what he is doing it removes his power. Does he isolate her from her friends also?

fixedit Wed 06-May-15 12:49:27

I think he would if he could. She's quite strong willed in that aspect, he moans if I call the land line and if her sister goes over for the night. But never in front of us.

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