Background: I left a long and emotionally abusive marriage 2 years ago. I've been in weekly therapy for over a year and have changed and grown immeasurably in that time in confidence and self-knowledge. I have a very happy home (redecorated) with 2 very settled dd (11 and 9) and have gone from being full of pain and hurt and anger and hatred towards the ex to generally feeling very 'meh' about him. He's a crap dad but does what he needs to do in order for me to work (in a job I enjoy) and spend time with great friends etc. I've gone from years of zero self-care and denial of all feelings to having a life which is much more balanced and where I know what I need. In short, I'm finally 'me'.
OK so I've been seeing a rather marvellous chap for 8+ months. He is a billion times more a man my ex ever was. He has a dd similar in age to one of my dd. I feel he pretty much sees me in the all the ways I was never seen in my marriage. In terms of our 'world view' of kids and how they fit into our lives we sing from the very same hymn sheet. He is grown up, solvent, very empathic, considerate, proactive, interested in the world and likes to 'do stuff' plan trips, get outside etc. He is very respectful and considerate of my kids and gives me all the space I need to spend time with them, and thinks of this above 'our' needs. He has allowed me to work through my stuff with my ex without ever getting overly involved or indicating that the subject of him is a burden or off-limits. In short he is a breathtakingly brilliant human being.
Emotionally we are very 'together', I admire him, in how he approaches his work, we love spending time together, the sex is amazing and wonderful (although, if I'm brutally honest, the physical sexual compatibility is there and he has a fab slim athletic body, I don't actually find him physically attractive looks-wise - so the sexual connection is emotional - totally weird and very close but not something I've ever experienced before). I think because there is a deep level of emotional trust which I have never had.
His parenting approach and that of his ex are a billion miles away from mine: I'm a very laid back/instinctive parent, I pick, pick, pick, my battles but also fight like a rottweiler for my dc needs (they both have mild SN) expect my dc to be very independent but don't sweat the small stuff or some of the medium stuff - he is the opposite in that he's quite formal and overly attentive/less intuitive and more old fashioned with his dd. Because of this I would never live with him it would give me the rage. Things between us are very emotionally close, and serious, although there is no plan to live together. He is utterly committed to me, and would 'marry me tomorrow' (aint gonna happen, obvs).
My concern, is, he is quite a 'formal person' and due to this, his sense of humour is overly adult and due to his very 'formal' ways, his age difference +8yrs stands out a mile to me, he is sort of from a different generation from me. His communication style around my dc was wonderful and respectful in the beginning. But now that we've been together a while, he hasn't relaxed it (it's who he is) and when the kids are around, things aren't as 'easy going' as they should be. My eldest dd finds him 'a bit weird' because she's grown up in a very relaxed parenting atmosphere. Socially, with me, his doesn't really get my dry sense of humour. I went to a party the other day and, although I don't see my mates that often (we are all busy with families, blah blah blah) the disconnect was clear and I could see that he will never sort of 'let go' of this formal persona to click with me and my mates (who are lovely but are laid back) socially and this makes me very 'conscious' of him around my friends. I think he moves in a world which is basically more moneyed and 'proper' but more superficial (feels awful saying that) after his divorce his friendships all dissolved leaving him quite alone. Where as I'm more grounded with really good, solid, longterm friendships and connections (I am sounding a bit up my arse, here.... eek).
I am starting to think that maybe this relationship is going to run its course, I'm starting to get the fear. GULP. And maybe I should tell him now, to make it less painful. Should I end it for his sake? Or should I tell him I don't really see a longterm future and see if he is ok with something more casual? (I don't think he can really do casual, if I'm honest). Or shall I see where it goes??? I think a big thing for me is being able to have a relationship with someone who my kids are 'easy' around. But we have wonderful times together when we're alone, he's an incredible support to me, I trust him implicitly and he's great to spend time with on long walks, weekends away, etc. even if he doesn't get my sense of humour 
I would miss him horribly if we weren't together. Losing someone like him would be awful after my shitty EA marriage. But should I grow a pair and let him go???
Feeling all up in the air, and appreciate sage advice of all wise MN'ers, please.
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Relationships
er... decision time? (please help me unscramble my brain *LONG*)
67 replies
Handywoman · 05/05/2015 18:48
OP posts:
Handywoman ·
05/05/2015 18:53
errrr..... just realized he's only 6 years older, not 8 (although it feels more like 10 or 12).
also my dd are 10 and 12 not 9 and 11 - I should definitely know that! passes 
to self
OP posts:
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