I don't even know where to begin. My life is falling apart. I'm not sure why i'm even going to post this. I don't need sympathy, I don't need people to understand or believe me. I guess I just need to get everything down in the hope I will feel better. I don't want to "out" myself so to speak (I have name changed not that I post much on here that will give much away)- so if there is anything on here that does "out" me please, please- I ask you to keep it to yourself.
I'm in my 20s and still live with my emotionally and physically abusive mother. My father is also here but in my book he is a spineless shrew. It may seem harsh- but please let me continue before you decide to judge.
I'm the youngest of 2. My mother has openly told me i'm a mistake and recently has even thrown into the mix that she wishes she had an abortion. She is continuously emotionally abusive, physically attacks me when she is drunk and tries to control every aspect of my life including what I eat, drink, when I leave for work (I do tend to stay out as late as I possibly can because quite often i'm terrified of coming home..).
People don't understand how difficult it is for me because she is so perfectly nice in public in front of friends/family and buys me expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas and let's me drive "her" car (which she NEVER lets me forget- I gave her as much money as I could towards said car last year when I had some money from my GPs). I'd swap all that in a heartbeat if I could just have one day when i'm not attacked in some form.
She never admits she's wrong and she won't do anything/say anything that will make her look like a bad parent- which sometimes, leaves me looking like a liar and people will either look past it or they won't.
My Dad won't do anything to support me- he either sits there and stares in to space, sides with my Mum "for an easy life" (his words might I add) or goes to the work/gym. There are times when we are arguing in the middle of the night and he won't even bother to get out of bed even if I go up and ask him.
I'm expected to do pretty much everything around the house- cleaning, cooking, ironing, washing, food shopping. Don't get me wrong- i'm more than willing to pitch in but working 10+ hours sometimes and then coming home and being expected to clean and cook and being sent out to the supermarket at 9pm is wearing me out- which affects my ability to work. I get I live in their house for free, but they constantly say "you doing all this is your way of paying rent" but when I ask for the odd £10 so I can go to the cinema with friends i'm met with a barrage of abuse.
I work as a volunteer so my work is unpaid. I spend a lot of time online doing surveys and meaningless tasks for pennies so I can save up and buy things and by the time the time comes round to me being able to cash in it's usually to pay for presents at birthdays and Christmas or to pay for urgent things like new tyres, breaks on my car.
I ran up quite a bit of debt which I pay off monthly (if I can- sometimes I have to miss months) on store cards late last year buying things to sell on eBay so I had some money which has now run out.
The money I got from my GPs is quickly diminishing too- I only have about £100 left and after that I will be left living on the £150 DLA I get. They refuse to let me sign on because they don't want someone on the dole living in their house- too shameful apparently.
My sibling is treated completely differently. He is 2 years older and they dote on him completely. When he comes home with his girlfriend i'm usually completely forgotten about which in some form a relief, and in some form it still breaks my heart. He is still waited on hand and foot- and i'm expected to as well.
Despite earning a very modest salary he still supplied with an allowance, his car his paid for (I should maybe add here he lives in London, isn't a requirement for his job and uses it maybe once every 2/3 months if he is travelling out of the city). I know I sound spiteful and jealous- but I can't battle the feeling that i'm being treated unfairly.
The way I have been treated has impacted the rest of my life too. I completely underachieved at school because I was so tired all of the time, and because I was so afraid I excluded myself from a lot of things which lead to some pretty nasty bullying. The teachers were pretty supportive and a lot of the really nasty stuff was stubbed out- but nothing from my parents. At all. They were called in once, and they did come in, but all my Mum did was laugh about it on the way home.
Friends- one became a boyfriend but he also started taking advantage of me and when I stood up for myself he decided he didn't want to know taking the majority of our other friends with him which I guess speaks volumes about why the friendships existed in the first place. I'm utterly heartbroken as these are people who were supposedly supportive in whatever I did and people i've known a long time. I've got 2, maybe 3 people left in my life who haven't run away yet and I know they will do soon.
I suffer from depression and crippling anxiety. I have deliberated suicide in the past. I've had all sorts of counselling but i've found it incredibly difficult to open up to strangers about all my problems so i've either brushed the bad stuff under the carpet or i've run away.
And then there is work- I love my job and i'm also incredibly lucky that my boss is supportive and says she is a friend and is there for me. But my lack of confidence is stopping me believe her and is stopping me moving forwards. I keep thinking back that 18 months ago I wouldn't even be in this position but now i'm truly am stuck. I guess it's because i'm with someone who says they want to support me and be there for me- but I don't know if it's out of pity or genuine. I really don't.
My life is soul destroying. I really don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore or how much longer I can carry on. She has destroyed my life- I have no self confidence to go out and make friends, have another boyfriend and despite my want for children i'm terrified to have them in case I turn out the same.
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It is all becoming far too much.
33 replies
sherbetlemonD · 03/05/2015 23:09
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